Taking care of me....soon!

There is no doubt that I have been spending a great deal of my life this year taking care of others.  Specifically, my mom with all her health issues.  My nephew with all the college stuff...& my brother with multiple issues.

I am stressed out & exhausted.  I have also gained about 10 pounds in the past three months.  Its so frustrating.  I have no idea when I last logged my weight watchers points.  I have not been able to take any fitness time for me outside of teaching my classes and the few times I have gone walking or dancing lately my foot has been bothering me quite a bit.  I need to figure something out with my foot because I need to get active again, I need to get back on track and start losing weight again.

I am looking forward to our cruise this coming weekend but do NOT want to gain any weight.   Usually, I lose weight on a cruise because we dance do much and I usually get to the gym.  I am skeptical though because this is a conference and there will be a lot of seminars and lots of evening shows that will cut into dancing..and who knows with my foot.  I am going to bring my dance sneakers & hope that they help. Looks like I wont get much sleep on this cruise...but that is another favorite part of our cruising experience.

In any case, once back from the cruise I need to see the doctor about my foot.  I need to get a schedule of workouts on my calendar and stick to it.  I am not even excited to wear my new matching belly button rings with my bikinis now because I feel like a beached whale! 

AIM 1 will have to wait until June.  It would not have been fair to our house guests if I abandoned them that morning.  Bummed because AIM on release 81 would have been sweet...I will just have to put in extra time to learn & master release 82!

So taking care of me...must make this a priority.  Of course much of May will involve moving mom to Woodside terrace permanently & helping Steve & his boys move to wherever will be home now that his house is "sale pending". 

TGI almost F!!  Mom in Rehab....College Trip #1= history!

What a week!  Goodness me!  Mom was transferred to the Jewish Home Rehab facility on Tuesday, I was able to be there for the transfer, see her off at Sequoia and then visit her in her room once she was settled.  It went well.  She has a nice room, very private and large and so far the staff seems very nice and attentive.   I went to visit her again Wednesday morning and bring her a few more personal items and she was in good spirits overall.   I am pretty confident that she will only be there 1- 2 weeks.  She is determined to get well quickly so she can get back "home" and she is now considering Woodside Terrace as "home".    Lots of relief that she was transferred in a timeline that worked into my  schedule.   A huge "thank you" goes out to my friend & nurse at the CSU, Dianne who talked with mom the morning of her release and also to Nurse Marcie who also took some time with mom to help her work through her feelings of loss.  She is really now starting to go through the grieving process of losing her "home"- the place she's lived for almost 60 years.   She is now so much better with her health that I think she can now face the reality that she really can't go back to her home and it's sad.  We are trying to keep her focused on all of the positive and make sure we can get her apartment to feel as much like home to her.  Although, I vote against clutter- hell if it's not a safety hazard,  I don't care what her apartment looks like!   I have spoken to her on the phone yesterday and today while en route and in Alaska and seems she has had some good and productive therapy sessions!   I love that she is so attentive to the Giants and their games- she called me today just to let me know that they won!

Michael & I are now sitting in the Fairbanks airport awaiting our return flight home- it's a 130am flight that arrives into SF at 930am- so unless we get a cat nap on the plane- we will have been up about 26 hours by the time we land and there won't be any sleep anytime soon once we land.  We  have plans to go visit my mom a bring her a few things (newspaper and milkshake) and then get home.  I will work what has to get worked on and then crawl into bed for a long nap!!  I am exhausted and not really sure how my eyes are staying open right now--but they are and I am not an airplane sleeper..so we'll see how this all plays out!   We have had a very successful day in Fairbanks!   1/2 day college tour that was very eye-opening, I like UAF and think that Michael would do well here, but we'll see how both colleges compare once we visit  RIT on Monday.  We finished up around 1pm and then headed to visit a hotel so that I could be "travel professional",.  We toured the Princess Fairbanks Lodge and it was nice to see one of the Princess properties up close and we had a very nice maintenance man who volunteered to take us to see rooms.  Truth be told, we probably got a better tour with him than we would have with any Travel Industry Sales person!    We then went to the visitors bureau and looked over all the exhibits on display and it was nice to learn more about the Alaska way of life in the non-tourist season!    Then finally, a double feature movie- we went to see "21 Jump Street" and then an hour later, "Lockout"- both were good and it was a nice way to pass some time!   Now into our 2nd hour waiting at the airport, in about an hour we will be on the plane- finally! 

Overall, a good week- productive in many ways.  But sooooooooooo looking forward to a nap tomorrow and some downtime on Saturday before the whirlwind continues and we fly to Rochester, NY on Sunday morning!  Oasis of the Seas--you are only 8 days away and this girl needs a cruise really bad!!! STAT!!

The next 8 days...

are going to be nuts and so much will be known by the end of this month.  It's a bit scary on one hand but on the other hand it will be nice to just have some resolution on many things.    My brother should know the outcome of his home sale by Friday and we are hoping that there are multiple interested parties that show up at the court Friday to bid and bid high.   That outcome will determine what he is able to do for a "new life" - he has plans, he knows what has to happen - so it is really in God's hands at this point.

We will know which college Michael will attend in the fall.  He & I travel to both Universities this week and will check them out and make an educated decision; although i think i have a pretty good idea that he will choose RIT.    He did get notification on Friday that he was awarded the Buick Achievers Scholarship for $2000- so every bit helps!    It's exciting to see him go off to college and I'm excited for his future and for his new path in life.  So very proud of him and all he's achieved.

We will know a bit more on mom's prognosis and a better timeline for recovery.  Since my last post we experienced yet one more setback.  Friday morning she had a fever and she had been having some bowel issues- well they ran the tests and the C-diff was back AGAIN!   She did have a very short does of anti-biotics earlier in the week and I had asked the nurse if she was also getting the Vancomiacin - which is the preventative antibiotic for c-diff and she said that it was not necessary.   Grrrr!  I felt so bad for my mom.  To have to go through that horrible infection for a third time- just unbelievable.   She was not well on Friday- so depressed, so achy and just not feeling well.   I hate not being able to help and to fix things.   Saturday she was a bit better- mostly tired.  Today I was surprised to see her wheeling herself down the hallway in a wheelchair and she was in pretty good spirits and was happy to be up and out of bed some.  The good news this weekend is that they took her off the Oxygen completely!    Today after her wheeling around the hallway the Respiratory Therapist came by and checked her Saturation and she was at 98- which is amazing for her, so I feel really good about that.  That is huge!   I'm not sure how long they will keep her at Sequoia- with the c-diff I'm not sure if they can transfer her or if they have to wait; but the Jewish Home rehab facility in SF is waiting for her.

Life is exhausting overall and this weekend was very busy and tiring as well.   Dancing Friday night was "ok"- my foot was giving me grief, so as a result I was not able to dance nearly as much as I would have liked.   Had a great Body Pump class on Saturday and then the rest of the day was crazy- Brynn's play which was very cute and a quick visit to mom, then up to SF where Bill & I went by mom's house to pick up mail, then dinner & Kenny G in concert at Yoshi's, and then we ended up going dancing down on Fillmore @ Lombard.  Old stomping groups from 1985!   We had a pretty good time- it was nice to do something spontaneous.   Today I had to visit mom and bring her the newspaper and then brunch with the RWC gal pals- which was a very fun afternoon, came home and started to relax on the couch but then got an invite from Diane to come up and chill by the pool and BBQ dinner, etc.  We had a good time, but things still don't feel "right" in the world of this friendship and I can't really put my finger on it.

I do know that I am going to have a very busy short week and need to start it off rested, so I am going to get to bed EARLY for once!

Sometimes you just have to let go and let God take care of things!

The control freak in me has a very HARD time doing this sometimes.  I can admit it, I am a serious control freak and I won't apologize for it.  I ams what I am!   Well, as suspected mom is being released tomorrow to a Skilled Nursing Facility.  We were told that Brookside in San Mateo had accepted her and I did my due diligence and determined that it was a place with good reviews & ratings and should work out fine.   Well, today the Social Worker calls me and says that the insurance company won't approve Brookside because mom is still under "Health Net San Francisco County", her "Health Net San Mateo County" does not become effective until 5/1- so we are once again at the mercy of the friggin' insurance companies!   You'd think that someone logical could see through all of this and come to a better resolution and back-date her policy to 4/1 or something like that- but no, seems like it's all black & white- no gray areas to be found!

So I had my typical freak out moment, then the Social worker called me with the "approved" places so I could at least do my homework.  Because the Social Worker works at a San Mateo County hospital, she is not familiar with any of these places in S.F.  I was just happy to learn that the place mom stayed at in February was not on the list.  Thankfully!    There were two in S.F. and one in Pacifica.  By the end of the day, I had received a call from "Jewish home" in S. F. and it sounds like this is the place that mom will be transferred to tomorrow.    My first instinct when faced with something that I cannot control, is to find the positive in the situation.  Thankfully, I am a half full type of person and am normally an optimistic being.   Jewish Home is located on Silver Avenue- right in mom's old neighborhood.   Parking is plentiful and free.  It's a nice, modern facility- I'm not even sure what used to be in its place.  They are not a hospital with SNF attached- this is a placed designed for Skilled Nursing, Rehab and extended stays if needed for Assisted Living.  However, they have a full nursing and therapy staff to tend to all needs.   I think that this place may actually be a good social outlet for mom since she will be in her neighborhood, some of her friends should be able to come visit her and since she has not seen her friends for almost 3 months now- I think it may do all of them some good!

The hard part with this is the distance and my desire to go visit as much as possible.  It sucks to be in a facility of any sort.  I also know that my mother enjoys her daily newspaper.  So I need to figure out a way to get that to her.  It would be ideal if they get the paper at Jewish Home without doing anything with her subscription.   It's all this logistical crap that drives me nuts- but it's important that she's happy and kept occupied with things that make her happy.  She does her jumble puzzle in the paper, she enjoys her wine with dinner (hoping they can accommodate her at Jewish Home with that)..anyway, I hope that this part of her journey goes quick and smoothly and that she is able to recover quickly and get back to life at Woodside Terrace.   I am going to try to coordinate visits with some of her friends so that they can cover days that I know I won't be able to be there.  Of course, the timing is crazy with Alaska College trip Wednesday-Friday of next week and then NY College trip Sunday-Monday following...with 3 days back before I leave for my conference at Sea....leaving me out of touch for 8 days.  Any other time and I would welcome that detachment from society and life and all the "connections" that we have day to day - but unless my mother is safely back at Woodside Terrace by then, it's going to be very hard for me to enjoy being away.

This has certainly been an enlightening, learning process.  I have been touched by so many people through this process.   Tonight I taught my last class at Fitness 101 since they will be closing at the end of the month.  The instructor who teaches the class before mine asked how my mom was doing. Another one of my students asked me after class how my mom was doing.  These are once a week people in my life who have really paid attention, who have really shown that they care.  It's pretty freaking awesome.   It was a great class tonight- even if there were only 3 people there.  With the gym closing, many of the members have moved onto other gyms.

I have had a pretty demanding week otherwise- work has been crazy busy- which is good.  I did experience the "IRS taketh away" on Tuesday as I wrote the painful check, but was fairly relieved today when "cruises lines giveth back" in the form of some commission payments.  Not the total amount and we'll see once I pay all of the upcoming bills just how much that helps...still hate the tax man!   But nice to be busy and know that this too shall pass.    My classes at the gym have been going well, but I need to get in my own workouts, it is just not possible right now.  That part is killing me, I am also not eating right- so feeling like a blimp- the same 5 pounds now for the past 7 months up/down/up/down.  I am determined to lose weight on our cruise- I am going to work out and dance as much as I can.  Of course, my foot has been giving me grief too!  Always something!

I just got word that there is a Body Pump AIM1 workshop in May locally and I really want to go, but I need to discuss with Bill because it will mean deserting him with our house guests and making him drive them to SF to catch their cruise ship- he is not a city boy.  But I really want to do this!

I am very happy that tomorrow is Friday and we have a busy weekend ahead- one that just now got busier with visits to SF...but excited to go dancing tomorrow night, we have Brynn's first play on Saturday (must remember to buy her some flowers for after the performance), then Saturday night- Kenny G at Yoshi's!   Sunday- church and brunch with a fabulous bunch of ladies to celebrate three birthdays!  Should be a great morning/afternoon and I'm hoping that I can enjoy some sunshine in the afternoon...we are expecting great temperatures this weekend!

Where do we go from here?

I am starting to feel uneasy once again.  When visiting my mother today, she mentioned that the cardiologist said that she would probably be released by the end of the week.  My mother reminded her that she can't walk yet, that she has been in the bed for two weeks.   The Doctor said that they would be working on that and that a case manager should be by tomorrow to discuss her discharge options.

So now I have a billion questions and thoughts- is she going to be ok enough to be released into the care at Woodside Terrace?  Or will she need to be released to another skilled nursing type facility?   The main issue right now is the lack of mobility because of the leg/foot wounds.  However, because of this she has been on a catheter and not able to get out of bed for the bathroom now for two weeks.   So  her level of care may be too extreme for Woodside Terrace.   This all makes me very uneasy, I just don't know how much more of this she can take.   I'm not sure how much more of all this I can take.  I just want her to get better and be able to resume a somewhat normal quality of life and enjoy and have fun.  Is this really too much to ask?

I know she is depressed and bummed that she's not having fun.  I can't say that I blame her.  How much fun can anyone have in a hospital?  She is lonely at night and has said that much.   But other than her stupid leg/foot issue- she is doing pretty well overall.  They have her on 1/2 liter of oxygen- of course that may change once she is mobile and starts to walk around, etc.  But then again, maybe not- they always did think she would get off the Oxygen, that it wouldn't be long term.

I am feeling a bit uneasy about all of this because I am a planner, I like to have things in place, I like to have a plan.  I have several trips coming up next week and the week after and I want to be able to feel secure to go away, knowing that she is ok.  I mean let's face it, I am the constant in her life, I go visit her everyday, I try to bring her some level of normalcy or happy to her day.  I know I can get Bill or my brother to visit her on the days that I will be gone, but right now I'm just sort of freaked out not knowing where this will be.  If not Sequoia or Woodside Terrace- then where?   Hopefully, tomorrow the case worker will shed some light on the discharge plan and I'll feel better about that.

Things need to get better, things need to return to "normal" in our lives.  The Harper family (all of us) are very wiped out on so many levels, we are ready for a fresh start- a new year, positive enegy, positive outcomes.  

Have you ever.....

found yourself in a situation that you really wish you weren't in?  I know this happens to everyone at some point in life and probably more often than any of us would wish.   I had an email blow up with my best friend earlier this week and we have not spoken since.  I have been thinking this over and over again, been reading the emails back and forth repeatedly and then had two "aha" moments today.   

I read one post on Facebook today from a LM Tribe member/acquaintance, "I understand the urge to want to "be right". But it also can be a very lonely place as you may isolate yourself in the process".   HA!

 I also had a great chat with my friend Kristy who recently had an issue with a very close friend and in discussing our friendship struggles she basically suggested to me that we probably need to have it out and acknowledge  that we were both hurt by what we said to each other and that  an apology won't change things, we just have to both get over it. We probably need to apologize for hurting each other but at the same time we need to validate each others feelings too without accusing each other of who is more "wrong".  Sometimes knowing someone like the back of your hand can be a disadvantage at times.  Things get taken for granted on both sides of the coin.  

Not that it's an excuse, but Kristy did point out that I am probably more vulnerable right now with all of the stress I've been under for the past couple of months with all that has been going on with my mom's situation and I have been exhausted.  I have been on overload and that is the understatement of the year!  But I also know that my best friend has also been over the top busy with lots of obligations in her life too.

We are having a "Mexican standoff" of sorts right now and I sort of laugh about the phrase because 1) she is part Mexican but more 2) that we are both being stubborn.  I can admit it, I have been wanting her to call me if for no other reason to ask how my mom is doing without regard to our petty, stupid email exchange.   Bottom line, it was petty, it is so stupid that we have not spoken since Monday because of this.   I'm sure it's eating her up inside too (it better be)- LOL, but the bottom line- I love her, I miss her and I am sorry that we had a falling out.   Going to do something about this.  The friendship is too important to let this nonsense go on any longer. 

The Bucket List...of ailments! 

I went to visit mom this evening after being at the Giants Season Home Opening Game and when I walked into her room, she was being transfused!   I was shocked and asked her what was up with the blood transfusion and she disgustingly looks at me and says, "Now, I'm anemic!"  You can tell she's just super frustrated and I don't blame her!  I teased her and said, "What do you have a bucket list of health conditions/ailments or something?"

Seriously though, in the past year or so she has had or been diagnosed with:  duodenal ulcer, leg ulcers,  poor circulation that resulted in the bypass surgery, kidney damage from surgery (recovered on her own), c-diff bacterial infection twice, congestive heart failure, high potassium (kidney related), blood clot, MRSA bacteria carrier and now anemia!   

Well, she was eating her dinner and drinking her glass of wine and she was overall in good spirits.  She was very happy that the Giants won today and she enjoyed listening to the game on her radio.  She said that she didn't get out of bed today- the Doctor didn't want her to; however, they did decide to not bandage her leg today which she said felt good to let it "air out".   She continues to be impressed by the level of care and the fact that all these Doctors are visiting her daily.  They are pleased with her progress.  

I was asking her nurse, Suzanne some things while she was changing out the transfusion packet and while asking how many liters of Oxygen mom was on, she said "one liter, but she can probably live without it.  We are just giving it to her now because of the transfusion".  This is really good news- I mean the Docs had always said when she was in Sequoia last time that they felt the Oxygen would be temporary and it stands to reason that will all the things she has been fighting, she has required additional Oxygen.  If she can get off the O2, she will be able to be much more independent.  Since she really had not been walking at all in over a week, I am sure she will be in the hospital for another 3-4 days at least.  I'm not sure when she will be able to bear weight on her left foot.  That is probably the largest obstacle at this time.  

What a difference some wine makes...

It really can be the simple things in life that make the world of difference.  Yesterday, my mom was in a pretty good mood mainly because she was out of the ICU.   Having a root beer float also brought her some happiness.   Enjoying some black jelly beans that the Director of Sales from Woodside Terrace brought her = more happiness.  Simple things.

Today I had a very quick visit with her.  I had stopped by WT to pick up her newspaper and it wasn't quite the in & out that I had hoped or planned for on my timeline.  But it is very nice to see so many people concerned for her well-being.  First, Ericka at the front desk wanted to know how mom was doing, so I gave her the update and she said, "be sure to tell her that Ericka from the front desk is looking forward to her coming back home."  I ran into one of the nurses at the wellness station, Lourdes and she wanted to know how mom was doing.  I figured since I was at it, I should check in with the Nurse Supervisors and they were both there, so I gave them the update and they were happy to hear she was out of ICU and said they would go visit her.   Just very touching.  It's no doubt that my mother leaves an impression on people and it's a very positive one.  She takes an interest in people, she talks and more importantly LISTENS to people.

I got to Sequoia and she was happy to see me,  I had her newspaper and transistor radio.  She is very happy to be able to listen to 96.5 KOIT, when she is not listening to KNBR 680 to follow the Giants now that baseball season is underway.  I think she is more excited about me going to Opening Day tomorrow than I am.  (I'm just tired, I am excited, but tired)  Today she sat up on the edge of her bed for breakfast, but had to lay back down when her wounds started to drain.  It is also very painful for her to sit up like that right now- the leg just hurts.  I pray that this gets better, she has to be able to walk on that foot.   OT & PT have started their visits.

She called me this evening, she was very chipper on the phone and very chatty.  Seemed to have a good rest of her day and had to let me know that Suzanne her day nurse made sure that she got her glass of wine with dinner.  I think it came a bit after dinner, but she didn't care - she told me she sipped her wine in bed through the straw and it was fabulous.  She was happy to hear about the rest of my day and was just overall talking with a real zest for life in her voice.  We hung up and then about 30 minutes later she called again- right after a very loud boom of thunder- well she didn't hear the thunder, but she saw the light show and called because she was "afeared" (it's the way we would say "afraid" in "babytalk" to each other) - we laughed, but again she sounded so good.  Very refreshing and very good feeling to hear her healing in her voice.

I am a true believer that a positive attitude means everything and can help you to move mountains.  She is one fiesty pistol!  

Ok- so off to bed....almost 1230am...I am going, going, gone!! NOW!

Progress....

A word that takes on so many meanings in my life right now.  Tonight I made a lot of progress with trip research, I have a few more trips to work on, but ultimately am now in a "waiting zone" until people get back to me.   Hopefully, tomorrow I will be able to tackle my taxes and get those finalized and then figure out where the money is coming from to pay for them.  Ugh!

Mom is making progress with her recovery.  Yesterday they removed the catheter and implanted a stent into the femoral artery.  I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing or if it will be removed at a later time.  I need to call the Vascular Physician's office and have a chat.   She was moved into a room today outside of the ICU- so again, more progress.   PT came to work with her and she sat up on the edge of the bed, but was not strong enough to get up out of bed and the pain in her foot was too much for bearing weight.  Much more progress needs to be made.  She was very happy to enjoy a Root Beer float that I brought this afternoon and she asked the nurse about wine with dinner, they said it was too late for today, but to ask early tomorrow.  She is happy.    She called me twice this evening, first to tell me she was moved to another room and also to ask me to bring her transistor radio - she is ready to start listening to baseball!   So that is a good sign of her spirits too.   I was very touched that Ashley, the Sales Director went to go visit her today, even brought her some black jelly beans (something that they both share a love for) - it's nice to see a care giving facility actually "care"- in fact, this entire time while we are still supposed to be negotiating mom's rent for April- Ashley has not been pressing that issue at all.

I am so hoping and praying that this is it for health trials and tribulations for mom.  I want her to be able to get on the healing path, to be able to get back to walking normal, to get rid of the oxygen, to be able to enjoy her new life at Woodside Terrace.  I want to get back to the afternoon phone calls that she would make to me around 430pm every day telling me how her day was and where she went, what she did.   Her birthday is about 6 weeks away and hoping she is well enough so that I can surprise her with a birthday lunch or dinner party at Woodside Terrace.  They have a private room and I was going to invite some of her friends from S.F. to come down- she misses her friends.  One of the first things she did today when she got to a real room was call her friend Anita.

I am going to be making progress with my quest to get to bed earlier- starting tonight, the fact that I'm blogging before midnight is a good step in the right direction.  I have been doing too many 2am nights and then getting up early.  Today I had to be up at 8am, yesterday was the same and Monday 6am..I am bushed and don't want to burn myself out.  The next few weeks are going to be a challenge and I need to be focused and healthy.

We are making progress on Michael's future.  He has been accepted into two Universities and he really wants to check them both out before making his decision.   I think that this is very important and he deserves this shot at a 4 year college.   So he and I will be taking a quick trip to Fairbanks 4/25, returning early on 4/27 and then out to Rochester NY on 4/29 back on 4/30- yes we should be significantly jet-lagged and exhausted after those two whirlwind trips- but I am actually looking forward to it.  Sort of living vicariously through him because I never had the guts to go away to college.  He has been accepted into the Mechanical Engineering program at UAF and the Motion Picture Science program at RIT with a waiting list for their Mechanical Engineering program.   I personally would love to see him do a double major as I think both of these fields will suit him perfectly.   This is going to be fun!

My brother is making progress with his house...the bankruptcy judge will decide at the end of the month who will be the buyer of his house; however, we just got word that a new buyer is going to submit an offer and one of the two offers already with the judge is going to increase their offer- this is EXCELLENT news!   I continue to pray for him.   He deserves a break.  Our entire family could really use a big dose of good news all the way around.  Pray, Pray, Pray...

Going to send out one email blast to everyone about mom's update and then head off to bed!

Passing of the Torch...

Today I received an email that I really was expecting, but am actually a bit mad at myself for not sending the email myself to begin with.  For the first time ever, I've been asked to give up a class at the gym.   I had been thinking, especially the last couple of weeks that maybe it was time to give up my Friday Spin class.  I have had to get people to sub my class for quite a few classes this year and it's only April.  I have felt bad about that, but also know that I can't help emergencies.  Many of the weeks have been related to my mom and that sure has been a journey in and out of the hospitals since February 3rd.  I had planned on finally returning to my Friday class this past Friday, but then mom ended up in the ER Thursday night and I didn't have a good feeling about it at the time, so got coverage to play it safe.  As it turns out I probably could have taught that next day, but had no way of knowing.    Of course, then I start to work on subs for my vacation and realize that I have two Fridays for that and then with the added college trip to Alaska, that was another Friday- making it three in a row.  I didn't have a great feeling about it.  However, I always remain the optimist that "once I get back from vacation, things will get back to normal".  When are things EVER normal in my life?   What is NORMAL?

I'm not terribly heart-broken about giving up this class.  I will teach this Friday and say good-bye to those who are there, although with this week being Spring Break I may miss several of the regulars.  Other than the people who I've gotten to know over the years and the relationships that I have formed, I have been getting burned out on Spin.  So giving that part of my fitness career a break is actually a bit welcoming to me.  I have considered taking the RPM certification and may actually do that next time there is a training that fits my already nutso schedule- but I think it is needed for me to get excited once again to teach on a bike.  In the meantime, I plan to enjoy my free Friday mornings now and take a class here to there.  My favorite Zumba instructor teaches Friday mornings, so I can take her class for a bit, but I think it's wise that I not take on any new classes on Fridays.  We are busy people, we travel, if we don't go away for a full week, we make it a long weekend.  It will be nice not to stress over Fridays anymore.   Of course, as much as I thought things would have gotten back to normal in May, I look at the calendar and I would have needed two Fridays in June covered for Michael's Graduation and then our Vegas weekend.

So after this coming Friday my 5 classes per week will become 4 and then at the end of April my 4 will become 3 with the closing of Fitness 101.  Now that one I am bummed about- my Thursday Body Pump was small, but they are a hard working bunch and we have become a family, so I will miss them - I only have them two more weeks since I will be away on the last Thursday before the club closes.

Everything happens for a reason- maybe this is God's way of telling me that I am taking on too much and that I need to lighten my load - or else!   Really God, I'm trying- I really am...but you know me...I don't slow down hardly ever!   I promise, let me get to June and I will slow down!

As the World Turns....

I seriously feel like sometimes (lately) my life is resembling a soap opera!    I wake up this morning all "Pumped" to go re-launch "81" at Gold's, so I was in a great mood and ready to take on the day.  I called mom's room at the hospital and there was no answer, then spoke to the nurses station and they told me she was still out for her test but that they will be taking her to ICU after.  I found out that she wasn't expected in the ICU until close to 11am.   I went and taught my class and afterwards things were starting to sink in - why were they taking her to ICU after and why has the Doctor not called me?

I went to the hospital and she was in the ICU, the nurse greeted me and filled me in on the status of things.  Well turns out that during the Arterialgram this morning they discovered a blood clot in her upper left leg near the surgery wound and had to intervene with a catheter procedure.  I've no idea what this procedure is, but basically it's a wire thing in her right upper leg that connects through her body to the veins in the left leg and pumps her veins with blood thinner to break up the clot.  She was in ICU because this requires a lot of supervision to make sure she keeps her legs as straight as possible.     Tomorrow they will do the same Aterialgram to see if the clot is gone and determine if the catheter can be removed, if so, then she'll be moved out of the ICU.

She was in pretty good spirits actually and her pain was being managed.  The staff at Sequoia is just so AMAZING, it really is a relief to have her here.  I can honestly say that many nights I went to sleep worried about my mom in the CPMC facilities.   Not the case now that she's here.

So my brother visits tonight also and then he & I have a discussion on the phone because we are trying to figure out how could she get a blood clot and when she was released from the hospital on 3/23 to Woodside Terrace her foot was normal- not swollen and she was being more active with walking to/from the dining room three times a day.  Well we determined that she started to experience problems after the first visiting home nurse who came to see her twice.  Mom has complained that the nurse was not gentle at all, that she really hurt her and was not listening to her.   She had also used an ACE bandage on her thigh (surgery wound) just above the knee - something no other nurse had done during her entire re-cooperation period.  It was so tight and painful that a few hours later my mother yanked it off and after complaining to me, I called Sutter Care at Home and complained about "Patrice" and told them we needed a new home visiting nurse.  It looks like now though that the damage had already been done.  It's a bit peculiar that this clot happened just above where the ACE bandage was placed and the part of her body to stop receiving blood flow was her lower leg and foot!

I'm pissed and disgusted at this!  It's an outrage!  I am also pissed at her Dermatologist who continued to "treat" her skin ulcers and waiting much too long to admit her into the hospital, when she should have been sending her to a Vascular Specialist at least a month prior.  She never once stated that there could be a circulation issue, she's a Doctor- she should know these things and not expect a patient to know.  Quite honestly, my mom's eyes aren't that great- so she could never tell just how swollen her legs were or the fact that her foot was red or purple - but the Doctor should have picked up on this and sent her immediately!   I will be seeing what grounds we have for a lawsuit, she has gone through an incredible amount of pain and suffering and it's looking now like a good portion of it was never necessary!  Incompetent SOB's! 

Exhausted!

Yep, that about sums it up!  I have had so many thoughts over the past several days that I have wanted to sit down and write about, but for whatever reason just never got around to it.  I am beyond exhausted right now but feel the urge to write now.  I promise it's to bed I go after this!     This week has been a variety of highs and lows.  A true roller coaster ride of sorts - go figure, seems to be the nature of my life.

MOM - well, things with mom were going pretty well, she has been adjusting to life at Woodside Terrace pretty well.  She made some new friends, a group of ladies who were from S.F. and they reminisced about their old stomping grounds.  Still she has not been very social outside of meal times.  Her leg wounds had been giving her some grief and I think part of that is dressing changed done without care by the first home visiting nurse and then she seems to have an issue with her left foot.  It's very swollen and hurts her like nothing imaginable.   As the week has progressed, she has gotten more fatigued, has been resting more and has been having more difficulty with walking due to the leg/foot pain and also experiencing some more noticeable shortness of breath.  Really?  Has she not suffered enough?  Apparently, not.   I called the Cardiologist on Monday to describe the swollen foot and she recommended that we come in.  They ordered a sonogram to make sure no blood clots and also blood work.  The sonogram was normal.  The blood work showed high levels of potassium.  They wanted to run the lab work again today, so they did and it was even higher- so back to the hospital we went this evening.   When I showed up at Woodside Terrace, she looked at me with surprise to see me and then i gave her the bad news and she just started to ball her eyes out.  Crying that she didn't want to go to the hospital again and that she wishes she was dead already, etc.  It was one of the most difficult moments of this journey yet.  I totally get her wanting to be dead- she has endured so much suffering, yet at the same time I'm not ready to lose my mommy.  However, I am smart and brave enough to know that I don't want her with me if it means more suffering for her.  It's a really tough position to be in.  So I conclude that she is having kidney functioning issues, which has led to the high potassium levels.  We wait to see how the treatment goes and if her kidneys will recover back to her version of "normal".  I know if they want to do dialysis, she won't want to do that.   Overall, I kept my composure today as best that I could- but did manage a few tears here and there in privacy.  I will say that I am enjoying having her 5 minutes away though and being able to visit her just about everyday is a treat.  We used to talk on the phone everyday- now we have visits in person.  I'm a lucky girl!

FITNESS - this was going to be the week that I get back in my groove!  I figured with back to back Body Pump classes on Saturday, the Les Mills Quarterly on Sunday - that in and of itself would jump start me.  I worked my ass off over the weekend and had so much fun doing it!   The Quarterly was a lot of fun and it was great to see so many instructors who I have not seen in a long time or finally meet the ones that I've only known via Facebook!   It was quality training and I am so glad that I attended the full day!   I then taught Monday morning, Tuesday night (spin & Body Pump) then had a day of rest on Wednesday- much needed!   Although, with the mom ER run today, I had to cancel my class tonight.  I am fortunate to work with people who totally understand and who put family first!   I did get a sub for my Spin tomorrow, which I have not taught this class since I don't know how long- maybe early February?  It has been a long time, but not knowing how long I'd be at the hospital tonight, I didn't want to risk it.  I will sleep in tomorrow- no alarm clock and it will feel wonderful!

BROTHER - well his deadline with the house sale came & went and now he just waits for the judge to approve the offer.  In the meantime, hopefully he gets more offers on the house.  The current high bidder is not high enough for him to achieve the resolution to his life that he has planned.   I continue to pray very hard that he gets what he needs financially out of the house so he can plan a new life for him and his boys.  A clean slate with all the negativity and despair behind him.  He deserves that much at minimum.  I seriously don't understand why bad things happen to good people and on the flip side- why evil people get away with such horrible things.

NEPHEW - out of eight college applications, Michael was accepted to only two of them.  I am very proud of him, but also disappointed in the system and how overloaded some schools are and the ratio of applicants to the numbers accepted.  He was beat out of so many colleges by vast amounts of students!  His two choices are University of Alaska at Fairbanks and Rochester Institute of Technology.  However, he had put Computer Engineering down for RIT's major and he would rather get into Mechanical Engineering now.  So his first choice is UAF and I just set up our airplane tickets for the end of the month to go take a tour and get any questions answered so that we can move forward with this.  His dad has spoken to him and let him know that he'll have to work, that he'll have to take out student loans and that we will help him as much as possible- but it's tough.   We are still waiting on a few Scholarship Applications.   I have to say that I am a bit uneasy with him going away to college.  I know Alaska is still on the West Coast, but it seems so far away and airfares are so expensive- not even sure how often he'll be able to come home.  Oh well, he really wants to go and on the flip side of the coin, I do think the one-on-one time for my brother with younger son will be very beneficial to them both.  Rob has always been in Michael's shadow, this will give him a chance to shine and be his dad's right hand man.  I still can't believe they are growing up so quickly- can we stop the clock already?

I feel as though I have so much more to write- but I am pretty friggin' tired about now..so I am going to call it a night.  Peace out!

Our American Idol Adventure...

Yesterday was a fun day!  Kelly had asked me earlier in the week if I'd like to join her to LA for the day to be part of the studio audience for the American Idol results show.   I thought about it, checked mileage points and said "what the heck - I deserve a day of hooky fun!"   Now, I have always read of Kelly's adventures on Facebook and things just seem to happen to her all the time, yesterday I got to experience this first hand.  It was a pretty adventurous day.

We had debated between the 8am flight or the 1045am flight and I was still a bit uncertain that the later flight would give us enough time, so even though neither of us were fans of the early morning option, we bit the dust and booked that flight.  This meant up at 530am and at the airport by 7am.   Although we were both in middle seats, I lucked out that my Virgin America sales rep was able to move me to an aisle seat and then at the airport Kelly asked if she could sit next to me and was able to get that middle seat.  Our flight was delayed for an hour.  No problem, we knew we had plenty of time (or so we thought).   We arrive into LAX, get to the Hertz office to pick up the car.  Kelly is a Gold member, so we see her name on the board with parking slot #325.  YAY- we have a Mercedes SUV- very nice, so nice that we were afraid that we made a mistake on the slot number.  Reconfirmed it was the right place and we go to drive out of the lot and then find out that Kelly's Gold account had a different credit card on file vs. the one she had with her, so we had to go back to the office to validate the new credit card.  Should be easy enough.  Well no, with the credit card change- this means that her Gold account has to be re-activated, meaning she would not currently be a Gold member, bye-bye upgrade and nice Mercedes SUV.  They take us to our "new" car...a Nissan Hybrid, after sitting there about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start the darn thing, someone finally helped us out.  I'd say the car fiasco cost us another 30 minutes.  But no worries, we are here EARLY!

It took about 30 minutes to drive to the CBS Studios, we saw a small line outside of the gates and proceeded to the garage to park, leisurely walked to the line, making a stop at the corner store to get lunch and use the facilities.  My burrito took an unreasonable time to be made, while we waited and waited some more.  All in all- probably another 30 minutes.  Finally, we arrive to our spot in line- YAY.  We rented chairs for $5 to be comfortable (great entrepreneur on-site to make a few extra bucks!) and had our lunch.  In discussing with others in line, come to find out these sisters in front of us had not made it into the studio the day before and they had only accepted about 50 people- we were now starting to worry a bit.  The line grew over the next couple of hours.

Finally, around 330pm as they had already taken some people into the studio, they do "the final count" and cut off the line just in front of the 3 people that were ahead of us.  Our hearts sank!  Kelly went and asked the guy if there were any considerations given to people who flew down, etc. and he said he'd see what he could do- well then they decided to cut off the line right after Kelly & I.  Whew!  This still did not guarantee us ANYTHING- except if we didn't get into the studio we would be given confirmed VIP passes to come to another show!   We were then in the holding zone as they started to put in groups of people to fill in seats.  We were down to 9 of us, they took a party of 4, then they had 2 seats and saw that there was a party of 3 and party of 2 (us) and took the party of 3..we waiting and literally could start to hear the intro music at 5pm..and they called us to come.  Turns out when they saw the party of 3 included 2 teenage gals- they put the girls in the mosh pit, their mom in a solo seat and then the other two seats went to us.  It was amazing to be there and to see how the show operates!   It would have been such a bummer had we not made it!   I was very happy to see Heejun eliminated, he has never been a favorite of mine.

Once the show was over, we got back to the car, ran into the 3 people that we had waited in line with all day and the girls were so excited that they had gotten into the mosh pit and got to high five the contestants and guest singers.  So it all worked out!

We drove back to the airport, returned the car, get on the shuttle back to the airport and we missed our stop (couldn't hear the darn guy on the microphone)- so we were dropped off on his "arrival" pickups, headed through security and to our gate.  Decided we could have a quick dinner and in our haste, Kelly left her credit card and earrings on the table  - she noticed the credit card once we were in-flight and the earrings once she got home.

Like I said, I have always read about Kelly's adventures and things that always seem to happen to her, now I have witnessed it first hand.  It was a pretty great day- we had fun!

We spent a good portion of the day in line with Phillip Phillips parents and talking with them- they were hoping to get into the show as they had given their 4 confirmed seats to their daughter/son-in law and two grand kids who came out over spring break.  Super nice people, it's nice to see this sort of success & fame happen to such a nice family.

It was a long day, but a fun day and I am so thrilled that it is Friday!  But it will be a busy weekend!

A Pretty Good Day...

I woke up this morning still incredibly tired, but determined to make it a good and productive day.  I was focused on work.  I was able to get documents mailed out to several clients, I worked on several trip quotes and got information to clients.  I made phone calls to the Cardiologist, the Hospital Case Worker, the Hospitalist, the Director at Woodside Terrace- lots of information and lots of good news.

It looks like mom will be discharged tomorrow.  The C-diff test they took yesterday came back negative, which means she is clear of the nasty infection- now we just need the urgency to go potty to return back to "normal".  The Doctors gave me the scoop on mom's heart condition and stated that she probably had a heart attack at some point, it shows on the ultrasound, but not on the EKG.   They don't think she'll need the Oxygen therapy for much longer, which is GREAT news!   All in all, things seem to be manageable and it's just amazing what a difference a hospital can make.  It seems that Sequoia has a different mission statement than CPMC.  We never felt this good or comfortable with even the first hospital where she had surgery - yes there were good staff members, but overall- it was hard to get answers, it was hard to get in touch with anyone.  These Docs are giving me direct phone numbers and are ready to answer any and all questions.  Just a totally different feeling.

Ashley & Nurse Grace from Woodside Terrace visited mom today and did their assessment to make sure that they will be able to handle her needs.  All is good on that front.  My mother expressed her anxiousness to get out of the hospital and really wants to get her hair and nails done!    I made her an appointment for the salon at WT for Saturday- she will feel like a brand new woman!   She is very sad about leaving her house and still questions why she is still alive.  She is concerned about money, but I keep reassuring her that it will be alright.  She is very nervous that she will have an accident and be embarrassed and I have to admit that worries me as well.  I don't want her to go through that and I am hoping that she won't be forever incontinent.  I mean it stands to reason if you've been bedridden and your butt can't handle the bedpan anymore that you just have to go in your diaper, I'd think that your insides would start to expect to go that way.

On the brother front today- he was supposed to have a few people come by to see the house, but they didn't show up.  There are two people scheduled to come by tomorrow.  Seems the lower list price is attracting people and hopefully it will mean people ready to buy and to bid and bid high.  The current bidder just increased his price to the list price.  This is good because hopefully anyone coming in now and through the weekend, if they are interested will be told that there is a bid for asking price and if they are interested they will have to bid higher.  Only serious offers need be submitted.  I am praying so hard that he gets a good bid out of this.  He needs it so badly.  We all need it badly.  Things have got to start turning around for him and we don't have that sort of time to waste.

TGIF!!  Going to be a busy weekend and I've got many things to get accomplished.  Of course, visiting mom will be a priority so that she's comfortable in her new place.

How Many Punches Can We Take?

A lot has transpired since my last post.  Last Friday was a tough night with mom, so tough that by morning she was having such a difficult time breathing that we had to call 911.  She ended up being admitted into Sequoia Hospital (thankfully) and was diagnosed with C-diff (AGAIN, not sure she was ever really cured of it at CPMC) and Congestive Heart Failure.  Seems that it is just one thing leading to another- yet as hard as this is, I still have faith that she will get through this and still lead a good quality of life.  It's tough for her and Bill pointed out something very valid, I think.  For 81 years of her life, she has been very healthy, despite the abuse she has inflicted upon her body with smoking and drinking.  To think that since I was born, she had not been to the hospital until 2001 for Gall Bladder surgery and then not again until last year with the Ulcer incident and now this year with the leg and all subsequent issues.

Now that she has this Congestive Hearth Failure diagnosis- I really am beginning to question if this should have been caught a long time ago.  I mean, she has had swelling in her legs for a long time- so was that a circulation problem or a Congestive Heart Failure issue?  Guess we'll never know.   What I find is very interesting is that her hearing improved 100% after being one day at Sequoia- seems the fluid draining medicine helped to clear up her head- so she had to have had water in her nasal passages (ear, nose, throat) that was making her nearly deaf!  Of course, at skilled nursing nobody would take the time to investigate a "new problem"- I think they deal with so many old, decrepit people that all old people must be hard of hearing and incontinent. It's pretty sad and pathetic.

Bill & I had a very low-key rest of the weekend- with lots of sleep and snuggle time.  It was just what the Doctor ordered!  I also came to the quick realization that I am not equipped to take care of my mother.  It's just too draining and time consuming, as much as I want to be able to- I know better, it would not be good for either of us.   We have been getting mom accustomed to the idea that it may be time to make a transition.  She has agreed to go into Woodside Terrace for the Respite Care stay and she is also seeming to be accepting of moving into her own apartment there with some assistance.   It will be a relief to have her there and have her close to me as well.   But this means that it will be very busy downsizing her house, getting it ready to sell and selling anything she doesn't want to keep- including her car.   It is sad to see her have to give up the home she's had for 59 years, the house we all grew up in- the one and only family home we have had.  A lot of memories in that house.  I think when we all moved out, we left but always knew we could go back and visit.  This will close that book completely.  

This week has been unproductive and overall I'm really not sure why.  I am not killing hours driving back and forth to SF, mom is close now so I can visit longer and it only takes 10 minutes to/from.  I have been having a tough time getting and staying focused.  I have been overwhelmed with phone calls to keep people "in the loop" on mom's condition.  Just don't know.  

I've also had to deal with some other family drama and try to help out where I can.  I just really don't understand people who make it their mission in life to make others "pay", to make others suffer, to be so vindictive.  I know someone like this who had made it their personal mission to destroy someone close to me and I just keep praying and hoping for the right resolution and yes for karma to come knocking on her door.  I keep trying to remember a saying about people who are always "pointing the finger" and blaming others for their pathetic life, you have to remember that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at yourself.  So who is really to blame for your pathetic life?  We are in control of our destinies and while we can't control what happens to us, we can control how we react to it.  We also have to trust that good will come from good and evil will ultimately be punished in the end.

So I guess that is one reason why I am so tired.   I am running out of steam and I really need to turn things around and get productive.  Even though I could actually go to the gal pal weekend in Napa now- I have so much to get done in a short period of time (taxes, learn BP81 completely & practice, work catch up) that I just can't justify going away right now.  I had thought that I would go up later in the day for dinner and slumber party, but even now the thought exhausts me...especially when Bill's friend Joe has offered to come over and cook us dinner here - a night at home without having to cook, I'm in! LOL  It's been awhile since we've seen Joe too, so will be good to catch up.  I'll make the next gal pal get together for sure!

I saw this poster on facebook earlier and it really resonated with me.  I sent it to my brother and I hope he gains some strength and optimism from it.  He needs just a bit more fight.  I am thankful for my support system though- so many wonderful friends who have been right there to help me sort through this and to offer prayers and positive vibes.

The highs & lows of parent-care..

Today was such a trying day.  My day for all intensive purposes started around 2am when Bill woke up and woke me to say he thought he heard my mom.  Well, I checked and she was sleeping.  About an hour later I heard her calling me and she needed my  help.      I tried to go back to sleep afterwards, but with Bill getting up an hour later, I was doomed- after he left for work I was still wide awake and really didn't get back into solid sleep the rest of the morning.   I got up around 8am to check in on mom and she needed help again, she apparently needed me earlier, but didn't call me and didn't want to wake me up.  I was so upset about that, had to remind her that it's not ok for her to sit and wait for help and that I will come when she calls.   I think all that time in skilled nursing when people would take 10-20 minutes to come when she called has programmed her to not ask for help in the middle of the night.

By 8am, I was a wreck and had slept very little.  I was trying to figure out what I need.  Why is this time so hard and the main thing that is different is the bowel issues.  The Dr. had the visiting nurse get a sample so we can figure out what is wrong.  We should know on Monday and hopefully the C-diff has not returned.  Today we had the visit from the home nurse and social worker.  Both appointments went well and they were happy with everything.  So my fear of "failing my mother" was unfounded.  I think aside from the initial incident, I was then faced with the reality that until my mother's bowels improved, I will have to be with her or make sure one of my siblings will be here with her,..just in case the potty issues arise.  Can't expect Bill to take care of that- AWKWARD!

I have decided to cancel the girls Napa trip next weekend.  I don't want to, but it was proving to be a difficult task to get family to cover.  My sister has plans with our cousin for manis/pedis and a movie and really didn't want to change her plans.  Oh well, another weekend home to accomplish things- it'll do me good.  I will miss the gal pal time and so many of my favorite gals are going.  Oh well, family first.  That has always been my motto.

So the rest of the day went relatively well.  I didn't get much work done but that was mainly in part due to time with the Nurse, Social worker and several phone calls that needed to be made.   The O2 company didn't deliver an oxygen mask like they were supposed to, we now have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to receive that (such bullshit)- her seated O2 levels were quite a bit lower than they should be- she is not a good breath through your nose type of gal.

So this morning I was thinking that I could not handle this and felt like I was failing my mother.  I also told her I wasn't sure that I was able to provide the care needed and/or that my house was the best choice for her mending.  She didn't seem to agree and thought I was doing an outstanding job.   She said that I had done more to care for her than the hospital ever did.  She also told the Social Worker that I wasn't just her daughter, we were the best of friends too.  Yesterday,  she was almost in tears and was saying "you aren't going to be my friend anymore after this".  How heart breaking is that?   I told her "Umm once you wipe each other's butts, you are friends for life!"  We both laughed.  Role reversal completely!  I was having a rough go this morning and I think lack of sleep had a large part in it.   It has been very emotionally draining these past couple of days and getting her transitioned....I am allowed to have moments of freaking out.   Sigh.   PMSing doesn't help the situation either!

So I just need to make sure I have cover when I need it. Coverage that can handle a dirty depends if needed.  I am hoping my brother can "sit" over here on Tuesday and Thursday evenings while I teach & maybe Monday mornings.  Then if I can get my sister here on SAturdays to do the same, that would be ideal.  Once this bowel problem is fixed- things should get much easier.  Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy start next week.

I think my mom is starting to realize going home may not be an option, but she stands true that she wants to get better so she can go home and wait to die.  But when questioned today she did tell the Social Worker that she could see herself living at Woodside Terrace.   If she is still here when Bill & I have to go on our cruise, I think I am going to advocate that she do a weekly stay at Woodside TErrace to take the place for a Test Drive and who knows.  She told the Social Worker today that she can't just move there, she has a house to sell, etc.

A few friends today posted to me that I am stronger than I think I am...and I am going to keep that thought in my head.  Also, the song "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" had been resonating big time with me this week.  It's 10pm on a Friday night, Bill is out like a light and I've been fighting to keep my head on my shoulders - so I think it's time to hit the hay!

Day One - Guest Mom @ Casa Horst

Today was a marathon day, up early after about 4.5 hours of sleep and tried to do a few work things before heading out to my manicure/pedicure appointment- my only "me" time today other than right now.  But, no the phone kept ringing with various "mom" people to arrange deliver of the O2, to discuss other care options, etc etc.  At times, I wonder if people are trying to be helpful or if it's all business.  Anyway, directly to CVS to stock up on Depends and Bed pads, gloves and wipes.  Realized that this put me in the perfect spot to pick up lunch, so called my BFF to call in my sandwich order to her Little Lucca shop down the street, picked up the sandwich (thanks Diane) and headed up to SF.  I was about 5 minutes late for the OT appointment, but it was fine.

Amy showed me what mom does to get up and out of bed, had her put on a pair of pants, had her walk to the bathroom -  of course mom did more steps without a break with me watching than she ever does in their presence (show off).  She did good..but was winded and tuckered out quickly.  I then ate my lunch while she rested and we waited for the PT session.  Can't remember the gals name, it was a different gal than the one I've met before, but we got mom to walk out of her room to the wheelchair and then we went to the PT center where she could do stairs and I could train on how to best assist her with stairs.  I think it was at that instance that I realized just what a challenge this was all going to be- or at least I realized that it was going to be more complicated than I had initially expected. After we were done, back to her room and I packed up her stuff and headed homeward.  Decided to see the chiropractor to get my adjustment since my free time is going to be limited.  Walgreens to pick up her prescriptions and then Safeway to grocery shop.   Got home, had to upack the car, get the bed ready since my brother had come over while I was gone to add a plywood base under the mattress (we removed the box springs to make the bed lower but needed support)....I had just barely finished when the Ambulance pulled up with mom around 6pm.

Fail- the O2 delivery company had now shown up yet- but while calling about it, they arrived in the knick of time.  The EMT's get mom in the house, she sits down and realizes that she has to go potty.  The urgency tells me it's not #1.  Turns out she had been holding it for about half the drive from SF hoping and praying, but by the time she got here, she thought the urge had subsided.  She was so humiliated and the EMT's were wonderful- laying down a path of pads, sheets to the bathroom so she wouldn't drip while walking to the toilet and good thing is all I'll say.   I ended up having to clean her up, get a nightgown on- not realizing that she still had an area that needed cleaning- so now the new nightgown was dirty- had to toss it all in the wash again and find a new nightgown of mine for her to use.   Finally got her dressed, cleaned up and then to get her up and off the toilet because the one thing I had not prepped was the assisted toilet seat, so no handles.  I had to help lift her up.  She had dinner and a small glass of wine...then around 9pm Bill & I took her upstairs- one step at a time with a chair to rest at the landing half way point.

"I'm so afraid that you won't be my friend anymore after this."   This is what my mom said to me once she got settled at the dining table after the "ordeal" with the toilet.   Still brings tears to my eyes.  I told her that once you clean your friends butt, you're pretty much friends for life- she giggled and we both tearfully laughed together.   She then went on to reminisce about how we have always had such good times together and then she talks about how when I was a little girl as soon as I could walk, we'd go out every day and have our "outings" - usually on the MUNI to places like the Cliff House, Ocean Beach, the Zoo- just to get out. One of her favorite memories she tells is how I would just start to whistle on the bus and strangers would turn around and just smile at this 2-3 year old whistler.  :)

There was a good 5 minutes tonight that I was freaking out and wondering what endeavor I have just undertaken.  Can I handle this?  Have I bit off more than I can chew?   I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that after a brief "shout out" of my feelings on Facebook and I received an overwhelming reply of support from several friends.   I even had an offer from a Travel Colleague today who admits that she doesn't know my mom or vice versa, but she'd be happy to come sit with her to give me a break- virtually a total stranger willing to help out.  

Just finished talking to my brother before blogging, he had called to see how things were going and also to let me know if I need anything to let him know.  And bravo to me, I actually said, "why yes- I have a prescription that still needs picking up tomorrow at Walgreens" - so he happily will pick that up tomorrow for me.  Trying to be very good at not doing it all.   Setting up boundaries and I'm amazed at the lengths some people will go to modify their life plans to help me out.   It's all very humbling.

My one complaint at this point- the darn O2 condenser is very noisy!!  HOpefully, over time we won't even notice it- LOL

So the rest of the week?  Well, tomorrow I will focus on getting a lot of work done and making sure mom gets up and moves around.  I have Body Pump in the evening, which will be a very welcomed release.   Friday, home all day and home all night.  I'm actually ok with this...but will try to get out for a bit in the evening to attend a Jewelry party & Body Pump practice.  Saturday, Body Pump in the morning and will work on taxes, chill & relax.  Sunday- more of the same but massages!   I think I have done a pretty good job of not over-extending myself for the first few days  of mom's "visit"  Now for mom- hopefully, she will have a visit from 2 of 3 home care people- skilled nurse, PT or OT.  I should get the phone calls tomorrow.

Now, I'm off to bed!  Really, shooting for 7 hours sleep tonight so I can get up early to block group space on Princess for 2013 (opening day for 2013 sailings)!

Challenges ahead...what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger!

Well, it is official- tomorrow mom is going to be discharged from CPMC to the care of Bill & I.  She is not well enough to go home without 24/7 home care- which is ridiculously expensive and not covered by the insurance.   Today we had a meeting with the care providers to discuss her progress and get the prognosis of her future recovery and needs.  We met with the OT, PT, Case Manager, Social Worker and the Doctor/Hospitalist.   They each gave us their reports and what they recommend going forward.  Mom was there in the meeting, but was very groggy having just woken up from a nap.  She was also having trouble hearing and was starting to freak out about that.  She has never had trouble hearing and lately it has gotten very bad.  We are hoping that it's just a combination of her sinuses recovering from not smoking, the white noise of a hospital room and the new buzzing bed that has been in her room the last week or so for the new roommate- it's horrible and I can see how it would mess with one's ability to hear.

They have ordered and will make sure that we have what we need- potty chair, walker, oxygen, etc.  Unfortunately, mom's oxygen levels are still low when she's active, so she will need to remain on the O2 at least for awhile,  I hope to God that she can get off of it because she has already decided that she will not go out in public with the O2.  Her vanity can get the best of her and it's so discouraging to see that attitude.  But she has also been through a lot and the journey is not close to being over.    I am hoping that we are not taking on more than we can handle- but if it doesn't kill us it makes us stronger- right?    I am trying to be very good about keeping some level or normalcy to our lives,  We have a variety of plans that have been on the calendar prior to mom's hospitalization, so I have put word out to the family that we will need coverage and everyone is on board with doing what they can since Bill & I take on the bulk of the caregiving by default with her at our home.

Mom is very upset that she is "putting us through this" and that she has never wanted to be a burden and wishes that she were dead.  She keeps saying that she's had a great 82 years and that it's not worth living to be suffering or a burden to others.  That attitude of hers is almost worse than her physical condition, what sort of kids would we be if we didn't take care of her?  She has spent her entire life being selflessly giving to all of us, so it's our time to give back.

We had the choice to pick any day between now and Saturday to have her discharged, but since the home care people have 24- 48 hours to check in, and with the weekend coming, it really was in our best interest to have her come home tomorrow, so we can get some level of therapy by Friday.    I am exhausted right now and should be getting some work done- but just not focused or motivated...I keep thinking that I don't want to get old and who is going to take care of me when I'm 82 (God willing I'm still alive)?  I will have to take tomorrow off because after my nail appointment (quite possibly my last bit of "me" time without worrying about mom or having to make arrangements), I then have two appointments with the OT & PT respectively to go over and be "trained" in the needed caregiving.  I won't get home until 330pm and then mom should arrive by ambulance transport sometime between 5-6pm.  I will have dinner ready and then she will soon go to sleep after that.  I plan to have transport get her up the stairs and into bed since it is the evening time.  Thursday will be a long day getting used to the new routine...and I am sure that I will be more than ready to go teach my Body Pump class Thursday night to get a little down time.

I have decided to get a sub for my Friday Spin class for the next three weeks and see how things go.  It's the hardest time slot to get coverage here with family and I think there are other times where I need family more.   This weekend is minimal with plans...we of course won't go dancing Friday night and probably won't get to go dancing for a few weeks (sad)...we have massage appointments set for Sunday and I am already looking forward to that- my brother will "mom-sit" while we go.  Saturday will be a down day at home and I think I will make a corned beef since it is St. Patrick's day and my mom is "Patty"!

My brother and sister have both said that I need to still go to Napa with the gal pals next weekend, so we'll see if we can pull that off with coverage.  I don't want Bill to be 100% responsible on that Saturday, it's not fair- she is not his mother, although he sure does treat her like she is.  I'm lucky.  
Ok, I think I have sufficiently rambled...I had so many more thoughts earlier today, but now tired has interfered with my coherent thoughts!

The Health "Uncare" System...
 
So this afternoon I get a call from mom's case manager and they inform me that the PT & OT are done with mom as of Thursday & Friday this week and guess what, she is to be discharged FRIDAY!!  Really?  How can anyone think she is "ready" to go home?   Seems that my mom informed the case manager that she couldn't go home on Friday because I am out of town this weekend- which is true.  But so much remains to be figured out.  Nobody at the hospital has contacted us to discuss "options" and give us ideas of what the next step should be.   I gave the case manager a piece of my mind.  I feel bad for her because she is covering for the vacationing case manager- but really if you're going to call the family, you should know your case before going to discuss it over the phone.

She said that the "release orders" involve visits at home by a home nurse, physical therapist and occupational therapist to continue working with her at home and to change her wound bandages.   And they also advise that she will need 8+ hours of home care assistance.  To me this means she needs to stay in skilled nursing- really?  How do facilities operate like this?     I inquired for more specifics on what type of "assistance"- the reply I got, "shopping, cleaning, cooking, bathing, laundry, etc."- so I then said, "ok, so if she stays with me for awhile where I shop, cook, do laundry, etc." what assistance is needed then?  She sort of fumbles on the phone and then says "Supervision" and says that she really needs to speak to the therapists to see what they think.  After I expressed a huge concern that they were releasing her too early, she suggested that perhaps they set up a Family Care Conference with the Doctor, Therapists, Case Manager & Social Worker, which I said I'd love, something that should have happened a long time ago.  She is trying to schedule that for Monday or Tuesday of next week.  I asked her how that impacts mom's discharge date and she said that they would  not discharge her until there is a plan in place, but then she said she had to talk to the Medical Group to see if they would authorize the additional days.  I suggested that she sees if the PT may recant and say they need another week to work with her, basically I told her to "play the game" and "make it work".   In the meantime, she is going to have someone contact me to discuss the options with care facilities for short term and other long term solutions.  Much will depend upon how mom continues to heal.

Afterwards, I spoke to my mom and she seemed pretty disgusted that they wanted to get rid of her.  She definitely wants to be out of that place- but is very fearful that she's not ready and truth be told, she is not ready- she has climbed a total of 5 stairs in PT, she has 13 at home- we have 15 at our house if she comes to stay with us for a bit.   I told her that I am working on options and that she is not to "sign" anything because if the medical group doesn't approve, then I'd assume she would be on the hook for the cost of the additional nights.  Really puts families between a rock & a hard place.

So our options- really limited I think because everything is so expensive.  I don't think she can go back home not without 24/7 care.  I don't think she can be home alone yet.  So if living with us helps to alleviate some of the needs/financial burden then so be it.  However, that being said- I know that I can't take care of her 24/7 on my own (meaning Bill & I).  I did a lot last year with her hospital ordeal and it took a huge toll on me and I'm not trying to make this sound like it's about me because it's not, but the long and the short of it is that I don't think I can provide all the care that she is going to need.  It's just a matter of figuring out how much help I would need and the costs involved with that so that I do have some "me" time and don't get too overwhelmed.   I don't know, last year I had no doubts that I could provide the care needed- but it was a very different situation.  Even though she came home from the hospital incredibly weak and we had to help her up/down the stairs, it was a quick bounce back considering.   That was one week, this time she has been out of commission for over a month- that takes a huge toll.   Last year it was just about rebuilding strength, this year it's dealing with continued pain in her legs, healing wounds, issues with breathing and certainly having to use Oxygen for awhile - all while still trying to get back to "normal" .  So far the stomach/potty issues seem to be in control- but she said today that she plans to wear diapers for awhile- I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with that.   She has not been an incontinent person, but this experience in the hospital with very delayed response times from the nursing staff had made her dependent upon diapers.

So overall, I am very conflicted right now, really not sure what is the right answer for all of us concerned.  There are no answers at this point, yet we are going to be forced to make a decision in less than a week - which means we need to investigate the options before then, which means the rest of my week is going to be consumed with this research vs. catching up on the incredibly long list of travel research requests that I have right now.  Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I am feeling.

I am happy to be going away this weekend for the Reno Dance train- this may be the last of dancing that we'll be doing for a long time - might have to start having a dance party in the garage.  I am feeling the stress in my back/neck and have not been to the chiropractor in a few weeks- I really need to get adjusted.  I am also eating terribly lately and can feel the weight coming on.  It doesn't help that this has been another one of those non-period periods!   Yep, still skipping a month on that stuff and when I skip a month I seem to bloat continually...sigh- womanhood- oh joy!

So stack of working staring at me, have not touched any of it tonight as planned...getting tired and should just get to bed and try to get up early to attack the work.  Going to be a fedex hostage tomorrow waiting for the Giants Season Tickets to be delivered- signature required.  The time the package arrives will dictate if I get to go walking tomorrow and if I get to go visit mom.

4 weeks...28 days...yep we have reached the 1 month mark!

February 3, a Friday is when I checked my mother in to CPMC, here we are 4 weeks later, a Friday, March 2nd..and she's still in hospital care.   On 2/3 I was tired because I had just gotten back from a wonderful Hawaiian vacation.  On 3/2, I am tired because this month has been very exhausting.  You just never realize how much of a toll this takes on you when a family member is sick.   It's one thing to deal with the physical part of the illness, but to deal with all the emotional/mental aspects is really downright exhausting.    Not to mention the time spent going to/from SF, a lot of extra time and in my life time is something I don't have excess of.  I am doing my best to try to find balance.  My job is to help my mother stay positive and confident that she can recover.  At times, this is very difficult.  But I remain an optimist - it's just my nature.  28 days and only one parking ticket - today!!  So pissed off because I did not see the street cleaning sign, it was hidden behind a tree behind where I parked, I didn't stand a chance of seeing that sign.  I may fight it, but not sure I have the time or the fight to put into it!  

In 28 days, she has made progress.  Especially when you consider that she was in the hospital 5 days before they deemed surgery the appropriate option, then her kidneys were giving some trouble, once that was clear she moves to skilled nursing and starts therapy only to get hit with C-diff a week later that slows down the therapy progress.  I know she is frustrated, it's not fun having diarrhea everyday for 9 days straight.  The meds should be kicking in so that she will be on the bowel mend very soon.  She has to have 3 days of solid movements to be considered "cured" from this bacteria.   I feel as though once this is cleared up, they will probably be discharging her.  So then the question is where?

She will not be able to go home and live alone- she would need some level of home care, but how much?  That remains unclear at this time.   Could she come live with us temporarily?  Yes, but again it depends on what level of care is needed and what can be provided.   She has also expressed not wanting to "do this to us", she is so aware and does not want to become a burden to us.  I get that and she would never be a burden because I am adamant about making sure that I make boundaries and stick to them.    Will she go to an independent/assisting living facility?  Eventually, I am sure this is in the plan, but financially I don't think she can make that transition right now.  Things have to be sorted through.

It is very frustrating for me because I am a planner.  I like solid answers, but with this sort of thing you just don't get solid answers.  It's a day by day thing.  Just trying to gather information so that we can make informed decisions.  

Today during my visit with mom, her Physical Therapist came by for their session and got her out of bed and had her do some walking.  She is getting short of breath pretty easily, but I really do think that is is mostly because of the lack of conditioning from being bed-ridden for 28 days.  Her legs are also a huge source of pain for her and walking is not pain-free.  But she still plugs along and when given the choice to "try again" or go to bed, she chooses to "try again"  She is a fighter!   I just keep trying to reassure her that she can work hard and be back to her old life.  She has had her moments of believing this too, but has also had her moments of huge doubt.  I can't even imagine being in her shoes. 

I did get to see her out walking around today!

 She's not happy to use the walker or to be hooked up to O2, hopefully, she will be able to work up to not using the O2 and perhaps downgrade the walker to her cane in time.  She is so frustrated, but I keep trying to remind her that out of 28 days, she has been out of bed - moving around- maybe 1 day out of that time.  It would be hard for someone like me to bounce back.

I am very thankful for the network of friends & family who have been so supportive and a few friends who are dealing with their own parents with their illnesses and seeing the health of our beloved parents decline.  It is not easy, yet it is part of life.  Some of us go through this at a very young age and some get to enjoy our parents for much longer.  I was cheated many years with my dad, so I don't take any of these days lightly with my mom- yet I do know that quality of life is most important for her and for me.  It would never be fair for her quality of life to be sacrificed so that I get more quantity of life with her.   I do honestly feel though that she does have a good quality of life ahead of her, she just needs to work and fight over this huge hurdle.  She's much stronger than she thinks she is, I can see it in her subtitles. 

WW Journey?  Well, let's just say that having a loved one in the hospital is not conducive to weight loss.  The scale has been inching back up to that 170 mark again..seems I am stuck in a 5 pound abyss and although I can rationalize it all, I still need to do something about it.  I can't gain weight- but I am getting very bored with food, I need to add in my own workouts- I'm not walking enough and really only teaching Body Pump 4x and Spin 1x per week.  I need to infuse other stuff here.  I need to find some new dishes that excited me.  I need to stop dining out/take out food so much.  I need to measure my glass of wine again and stick to it...63 days to go until the Oasis of the Seas and I just bought 10 new belly button rings  - some match my bikini's and some are just cute, generic, anytime rings.   But I need to slim down more to thoroughly enjoy them! 

Off to bed I go, an exciting weekend awaits...Body Pump tomorrow morning, brunch with a group of fabulous Mercy Alum, visit mom, then hopefully a Saturday evening with the McC's so that Bill can help work out some computer issues for them.  Sunday is tax day- yep, not my favorite day of the year, but two things you can't avoid in life- taxes and death.  Took a break from dancing tonight, needed to lay low and nurse an ailing hip/low back issue and next weekend we will be dancing non-stop on the Dance train to Reno...we'll make up for it.