Our American Idol Adventure...

Yesterday was a fun day!  Kelly had asked me earlier in the week if I'd like to join her to LA for the day to be part of the studio audience for the American Idol results show.   I thought about it, checked mileage points and said "what the heck - I deserve a day of hooky fun!"   Now, I have always read of Kelly's adventures on Facebook and things just seem to happen to her all the time, yesterday I got to experience this first hand.  It was a pretty adventurous day.

We had debated between the 8am flight or the 1045am flight and I was still a bit uncertain that the later flight would give us enough time, so even though neither of us were fans of the early morning option, we bit the dust and booked that flight.  This meant up at 530am and at the airport by 7am.   Although we were both in middle seats, I lucked out that my Virgin America sales rep was able to move me to an aisle seat and then at the airport Kelly asked if she could sit next to me and was able to get that middle seat.  Our flight was delayed for an hour.  No problem, we knew we had plenty of time (or so we thought).   We arrive into LAX, get to the Hertz office to pick up the car.  Kelly is a Gold member, so we see her name on the board with parking slot #325.  YAY- we have a Mercedes SUV- very nice, so nice that we were afraid that we made a mistake on the slot number.  Reconfirmed it was the right place and we go to drive out of the lot and then find out that Kelly's Gold account had a different credit card on file vs. the one she had with her, so we had to go back to the office to validate the new credit card.  Should be easy enough.  Well no, with the credit card change- this means that her Gold account has to be re-activated, meaning she would not currently be a Gold member, bye-bye upgrade and nice Mercedes SUV.  They take us to our "new" car...a Nissan Hybrid, after sitting there about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start the darn thing, someone finally helped us out.  I'd say the car fiasco cost us another 30 minutes.  But no worries, we are here EARLY!

It took about 30 minutes to drive to the CBS Studios, we saw a small line outside of the gates and proceeded to the garage to park, leisurely walked to the line, making a stop at the corner store to get lunch and use the facilities.  My burrito took an unreasonable time to be made, while we waited and waited some more.  All in all- probably another 30 minutes.  Finally, we arrive to our spot in line- YAY.  We rented chairs for $5 to be comfortable (great entrepreneur on-site to make a few extra bucks!) and had our lunch.  In discussing with others in line, come to find out these sisters in front of us had not made it into the studio the day before and they had only accepted about 50 people- we were now starting to worry a bit.  The line grew over the next couple of hours.

Finally, around 330pm as they had already taken some people into the studio, they do "the final count" and cut off the line just in front of the 3 people that were ahead of us.  Our hearts sank!  Kelly went and asked the guy if there were any considerations given to people who flew down, etc. and he said he'd see what he could do- well then they decided to cut off the line right after Kelly & I.  Whew!  This still did not guarantee us ANYTHING- except if we didn't get into the studio we would be given confirmed VIP passes to come to another show!   We were then in the holding zone as they started to put in groups of people to fill in seats.  We were down to 9 of us, they took a party of 4, then they had 2 seats and saw that there was a party of 3 and party of 2 (us) and took the party of 3..we waiting and literally could start to hear the intro music at 5pm..and they called us to come.  Turns out when they saw the party of 3 included 2 teenage gals- they put the girls in the mosh pit, their mom in a solo seat and then the other two seats went to us.  It was amazing to be there and to see how the show operates!   It would have been such a bummer had we not made it!   I was very happy to see Heejun eliminated, he has never been a favorite of mine.

Once the show was over, we got back to the car, ran into the 3 people that we had waited in line with all day and the girls were so excited that they had gotten into the mosh pit and got to high five the contestants and guest singers.  So it all worked out!

We drove back to the airport, returned the car, get on the shuttle back to the airport and we missed our stop (couldn't hear the darn guy on the microphone)- so we were dropped off on his "arrival" pickups, headed through security and to our gate.  Decided we could have a quick dinner and in our haste, Kelly left her credit card and earrings on the table  - she noticed the credit card once we were in-flight and the earrings once she got home.

Like I said, I have always read about Kelly's adventures and things that always seem to happen to her, now I have witnessed it first hand.  It was a pretty great day- we had fun!

We spent a good portion of the day in line with Phillip Phillips parents and talking with them- they were hoping to get into the show as they had given their 4 confirmed seats to their daughter/son-in law and two grand kids who came out over spring break.  Super nice people, it's nice to see this sort of success & fame happen to such a nice family.

It was a long day, but a fun day and I am so thrilled that it is Friday!  But it will be a busy weekend!

A Pretty Good Day...

I woke up this morning still incredibly tired, but determined to make it a good and productive day.  I was focused on work.  I was able to get documents mailed out to several clients, I worked on several trip quotes and got information to clients.  I made phone calls to the Cardiologist, the Hospital Case Worker, the Hospitalist, the Director at Woodside Terrace- lots of information and lots of good news.

It looks like mom will be discharged tomorrow.  The C-diff test they took yesterday came back negative, which means she is clear of the nasty infection- now we just need the urgency to go potty to return back to "normal".  The Doctors gave me the scoop on mom's heart condition and stated that she probably had a heart attack at some point, it shows on the ultrasound, but not on the EKG.   They don't think she'll need the Oxygen therapy for much longer, which is GREAT news!   All in all, things seem to be manageable and it's just amazing what a difference a hospital can make.  It seems that Sequoia has a different mission statement than CPMC.  We never felt this good or comfortable with even the first hospital where she had surgery - yes there were good staff members, but overall- it was hard to get answers, it was hard to get in touch with anyone.  These Docs are giving me direct phone numbers and are ready to answer any and all questions.  Just a totally different feeling.

Ashley & Nurse Grace from Woodside Terrace visited mom today and did their assessment to make sure that they will be able to handle her needs.  All is good on that front.  My mother expressed her anxiousness to get out of the hospital and really wants to get her hair and nails done!    I made her an appointment for the salon at WT for Saturday- she will feel like a brand new woman!   She is very sad about leaving her house and still questions why she is still alive.  She is concerned about money, but I keep reassuring her that it will be alright.  She is very nervous that she will have an accident and be embarrassed and I have to admit that worries me as well.  I don't want her to go through that and I am hoping that she won't be forever incontinent.  I mean it stands to reason if you've been bedridden and your butt can't handle the bedpan anymore that you just have to go in your diaper, I'd think that your insides would start to expect to go that way.

On the brother front today- he was supposed to have a few people come by to see the house, but they didn't show up.  There are two people scheduled to come by tomorrow.  Seems the lower list price is attracting people and hopefully it will mean people ready to buy and to bid and bid high.  The current bidder just increased his price to the list price.  This is good because hopefully anyone coming in now and through the weekend, if they are interested will be told that there is a bid for asking price and if they are interested they will have to bid higher.  Only serious offers need be submitted.  I am praying so hard that he gets a good bid out of this.  He needs it so badly.  We all need it badly.  Things have got to start turning around for him and we don't have that sort of time to waste.

TGIF!!  Going to be a busy weekend and I've got many things to get accomplished.  Of course, visiting mom will be a priority so that she's comfortable in her new place.

How Many Punches Can We Take?

A lot has transpired since my last post.  Last Friday was a tough night with mom, so tough that by morning she was having such a difficult time breathing that we had to call 911.  She ended up being admitted into Sequoia Hospital (thankfully) and was diagnosed with C-diff (AGAIN, not sure she was ever really cured of it at CPMC) and Congestive Heart Failure.  Seems that it is just one thing leading to another- yet as hard as this is, I still have faith that she will get through this and still lead a good quality of life.  It's tough for her and Bill pointed out something very valid, I think.  For 81 years of her life, she has been very healthy, despite the abuse she has inflicted upon her body with smoking and drinking.  To think that since I was born, she had not been to the hospital until 2001 for Gall Bladder surgery and then not again until last year with the Ulcer incident and now this year with the leg and all subsequent issues.

Now that she has this Congestive Hearth Failure diagnosis- I really am beginning to question if this should have been caught a long time ago.  I mean, she has had swelling in her legs for a long time- so was that a circulation problem or a Congestive Heart Failure issue?  Guess we'll never know.   What I find is very interesting is that her hearing improved 100% after being one day at Sequoia- seems the fluid draining medicine helped to clear up her head- so she had to have had water in her nasal passages (ear, nose, throat) that was making her nearly deaf!  Of course, at skilled nursing nobody would take the time to investigate a "new problem"- I think they deal with so many old, decrepit people that all old people must be hard of hearing and incontinent. It's pretty sad and pathetic.

Bill & I had a very low-key rest of the weekend- with lots of sleep and snuggle time.  It was just what the Doctor ordered!  I also came to the quick realization that I am not equipped to take care of my mother.  It's just too draining and time consuming, as much as I want to be able to- I know better, it would not be good for either of us.   We have been getting mom accustomed to the idea that it may be time to make a transition.  She has agreed to go into Woodside Terrace for the Respite Care stay and she is also seeming to be accepting of moving into her own apartment there with some assistance.   It will be a relief to have her there and have her close to me as well.   But this means that it will be very busy downsizing her house, getting it ready to sell and selling anything she doesn't want to keep- including her car.   It is sad to see her have to give up the home she's had for 59 years, the house we all grew up in- the one and only family home we have had.  A lot of memories in that house.  I think when we all moved out, we left but always knew we could go back and visit.  This will close that book completely.  

This week has been unproductive and overall I'm really not sure why.  I am not killing hours driving back and forth to SF, mom is close now so I can visit longer and it only takes 10 minutes to/from.  I have been having a tough time getting and staying focused.  I have been overwhelmed with phone calls to keep people "in the loop" on mom's condition.  Just don't know.  

I've also had to deal with some other family drama and try to help out where I can.  I just really don't understand people who make it their mission in life to make others "pay", to make others suffer, to be so vindictive.  I know someone like this who had made it their personal mission to destroy someone close to me and I just keep praying and hoping for the right resolution and yes for karma to come knocking on her door.  I keep trying to remember a saying about people who are always "pointing the finger" and blaming others for their pathetic life, you have to remember that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at yourself.  So who is really to blame for your pathetic life?  We are in control of our destinies and while we can't control what happens to us, we can control how we react to it.  We also have to trust that good will come from good and evil will ultimately be punished in the end.

So I guess that is one reason why I am so tired.   I am running out of steam and I really need to turn things around and get productive.  Even though I could actually go to the gal pal weekend in Napa now- I have so much to get done in a short period of time (taxes, learn BP81 completely & practice, work catch up) that I just can't justify going away right now.  I had thought that I would go up later in the day for dinner and slumber party, but even now the thought exhausts me...especially when Bill's friend Joe has offered to come over and cook us dinner here - a night at home without having to cook, I'm in! LOL  It's been awhile since we've seen Joe too, so will be good to catch up.  I'll make the next gal pal get together for sure!

I saw this poster on facebook earlier and it really resonated with me.  I sent it to my brother and I hope he gains some strength and optimism from it.  He needs just a bit more fight.  I am thankful for my support system though- so many wonderful friends who have been right there to help me sort through this and to offer prayers and positive vibes.

The highs & lows of parent-care..

Today was such a trying day.  My day for all intensive purposes started around 2am when Bill woke up and woke me to say he thought he heard my mom.  Well, I checked and she was sleeping.  About an hour later I heard her calling me and she needed my  help.      I tried to go back to sleep afterwards, but with Bill getting up an hour later, I was doomed- after he left for work I was still wide awake and really didn't get back into solid sleep the rest of the morning.   I got up around 8am to check in on mom and she needed help again, she apparently needed me earlier, but didn't call me and didn't want to wake me up.  I was so upset about that, had to remind her that it's not ok for her to sit and wait for help and that I will come when she calls.   I think all that time in skilled nursing when people would take 10-20 minutes to come when she called has programmed her to not ask for help in the middle of the night.

By 8am, I was a wreck and had slept very little.  I was trying to figure out what I need.  Why is this time so hard and the main thing that is different is the bowel issues.  The Dr. had the visiting nurse get a sample so we can figure out what is wrong.  We should know on Monday and hopefully the C-diff has not returned.  Today we had the visit from the home nurse and social worker.  Both appointments went well and they were happy with everything.  So my fear of "failing my mother" was unfounded.  I think aside from the initial incident, I was then faced with the reality that until my mother's bowels improved, I will have to be with her or make sure one of my siblings will be here with her,..just in case the potty issues arise.  Can't expect Bill to take care of that- AWKWARD!

I have decided to cancel the girls Napa trip next weekend.  I don't want to, but it was proving to be a difficult task to get family to cover.  My sister has plans with our cousin for manis/pedis and a movie and really didn't want to change her plans.  Oh well, another weekend home to accomplish things- it'll do me good.  I will miss the gal pal time and so many of my favorite gals are going.  Oh well, family first.  That has always been my motto.

So the rest of the day went relatively well.  I didn't get much work done but that was mainly in part due to time with the Nurse, Social worker and several phone calls that needed to be made.   The O2 company didn't deliver an oxygen mask like they were supposed to, we now have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to receive that (such bullshit)- her seated O2 levels were quite a bit lower than they should be- she is not a good breath through your nose type of gal.

So this morning I was thinking that I could not handle this and felt like I was failing my mother.  I also told her I wasn't sure that I was able to provide the care needed and/or that my house was the best choice for her mending.  She didn't seem to agree and thought I was doing an outstanding job.   She said that I had done more to care for her than the hospital ever did.  She also told the Social Worker that I wasn't just her daughter, we were the best of friends too.  Yesterday,  she was almost in tears and was saying "you aren't going to be my friend anymore after this".  How heart breaking is that?   I told her "Umm once you wipe each other's butts, you are friends for life!"  We both laughed.  Role reversal completely!  I was having a rough go this morning and I think lack of sleep had a large part in it.   It has been very emotionally draining these past couple of days and getting her transitioned....I am allowed to have moments of freaking out.   Sigh.   PMSing doesn't help the situation either!

So I just need to make sure I have cover when I need it. Coverage that can handle a dirty depends if needed.  I am hoping my brother can "sit" over here on Tuesday and Thursday evenings while I teach & maybe Monday mornings.  Then if I can get my sister here on SAturdays to do the same, that would be ideal.  Once this bowel problem is fixed- things should get much easier.  Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy start next week.

I think my mom is starting to realize going home may not be an option, but she stands true that she wants to get better so she can go home and wait to die.  But when questioned today she did tell the Social Worker that she could see herself living at Woodside Terrace.   If she is still here when Bill & I have to go on our cruise, I think I am going to advocate that she do a weekly stay at Woodside TErrace to take the place for a Test Drive and who knows.  She told the Social Worker today that she can't just move there, she has a house to sell, etc.

A few friends today posted to me that I am stronger than I think I am...and I am going to keep that thought in my head.  Also, the song "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" had been resonating big time with me this week.  It's 10pm on a Friday night, Bill is out like a light and I've been fighting to keep my head on my shoulders - so I think it's time to hit the hay!

Day One - Guest Mom @ Casa Horst

Today was a marathon day, up early after about 4.5 hours of sleep and tried to do a few work things before heading out to my manicure/pedicure appointment- my only "me" time today other than right now.  But, no the phone kept ringing with various "mom" people to arrange deliver of the O2, to discuss other care options, etc etc.  At times, I wonder if people are trying to be helpful or if it's all business.  Anyway, directly to CVS to stock up on Depends and Bed pads, gloves and wipes.  Realized that this put me in the perfect spot to pick up lunch, so called my BFF to call in my sandwich order to her Little Lucca shop down the street, picked up the sandwich (thanks Diane) and headed up to SF.  I was about 5 minutes late for the OT appointment, but it was fine.

Amy showed me what mom does to get up and out of bed, had her put on a pair of pants, had her walk to the bathroom -  of course mom did more steps without a break with me watching than she ever does in their presence (show off).  She did good..but was winded and tuckered out quickly.  I then ate my lunch while she rested and we waited for the PT session.  Can't remember the gals name, it was a different gal than the one I've met before, but we got mom to walk out of her room to the wheelchair and then we went to the PT center where she could do stairs and I could train on how to best assist her with stairs.  I think it was at that instance that I realized just what a challenge this was all going to be- or at least I realized that it was going to be more complicated than I had initially expected. After we were done, back to her room and I packed up her stuff and headed homeward.  Decided to see the chiropractor to get my adjustment since my free time is going to be limited.  Walgreens to pick up her prescriptions and then Safeway to grocery shop.   Got home, had to upack the car, get the bed ready since my brother had come over while I was gone to add a plywood base under the mattress (we removed the box springs to make the bed lower but needed support)....I had just barely finished when the Ambulance pulled up with mom around 6pm.

Fail- the O2 delivery company had now shown up yet- but while calling about it, they arrived in the knick of time.  The EMT's get mom in the house, she sits down and realizes that she has to go potty.  The urgency tells me it's not #1.  Turns out she had been holding it for about half the drive from SF hoping and praying, but by the time she got here, she thought the urge had subsided.  She was so humiliated and the EMT's were wonderful- laying down a path of pads, sheets to the bathroom so she wouldn't drip while walking to the toilet and good thing is all I'll say.   I ended up having to clean her up, get a nightgown on- not realizing that she still had an area that needed cleaning- so now the new nightgown was dirty- had to toss it all in the wash again and find a new nightgown of mine for her to use.   Finally got her dressed, cleaned up and then to get her up and off the toilet because the one thing I had not prepped was the assisted toilet seat, so no handles.  I had to help lift her up.  She had dinner and a small glass of wine...then around 9pm Bill & I took her upstairs- one step at a time with a chair to rest at the landing half way point.

"I'm so afraid that you won't be my friend anymore after this."   This is what my mom said to me once she got settled at the dining table after the "ordeal" with the toilet.   Still brings tears to my eyes.  I told her that once you clean your friends butt, you're pretty much friends for life- she giggled and we both tearfully laughed together.   She then went on to reminisce about how we have always had such good times together and then she talks about how when I was a little girl as soon as I could walk, we'd go out every day and have our "outings" - usually on the MUNI to places like the Cliff House, Ocean Beach, the Zoo- just to get out. One of her favorite memories she tells is how I would just start to whistle on the bus and strangers would turn around and just smile at this 2-3 year old whistler.  :)

There was a good 5 minutes tonight that I was freaking out and wondering what endeavor I have just undertaken.  Can I handle this?  Have I bit off more than I can chew?   I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that after a brief "shout out" of my feelings on Facebook and I received an overwhelming reply of support from several friends.   I even had an offer from a Travel Colleague today who admits that she doesn't know my mom or vice versa, but she'd be happy to come sit with her to give me a break- virtually a total stranger willing to help out.  

Just finished talking to my brother before blogging, he had called to see how things were going and also to let me know if I need anything to let him know.  And bravo to me, I actually said, "why yes- I have a prescription that still needs picking up tomorrow at Walgreens" - so he happily will pick that up tomorrow for me.  Trying to be very good at not doing it all.   Setting up boundaries and I'm amazed at the lengths some people will go to modify their life plans to help me out.   It's all very humbling.

My one complaint at this point- the darn O2 condenser is very noisy!!  HOpefully, over time we won't even notice it- LOL

So the rest of the week?  Well, tomorrow I will focus on getting a lot of work done and making sure mom gets up and moves around.  I have Body Pump in the evening, which will be a very welcomed release.   Friday, home all day and home all night.  I'm actually ok with this...but will try to get out for a bit in the evening to attend a Jewelry party & Body Pump practice.  Saturday, Body Pump in the morning and will work on taxes, chill & relax.  Sunday- more of the same but massages!   I think I have done a pretty good job of not over-extending myself for the first few days  of mom's "visit"  Now for mom- hopefully, she will have a visit from 2 of 3 home care people- skilled nurse, PT or OT.  I should get the phone calls tomorrow.

Now, I'm off to bed!  Really, shooting for 7 hours sleep tonight so I can get up early to block group space on Princess for 2013 (opening day for 2013 sailings)!

Challenges ahead...what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger!

Well, it is official- tomorrow mom is going to be discharged from CPMC to the care of Bill & I.  She is not well enough to go home without 24/7 home care- which is ridiculously expensive and not covered by the insurance.   Today we had a meeting with the care providers to discuss her progress and get the prognosis of her future recovery and needs.  We met with the OT, PT, Case Manager, Social Worker and the Doctor/Hospitalist.   They each gave us their reports and what they recommend going forward.  Mom was there in the meeting, but was very groggy having just woken up from a nap.  She was also having trouble hearing and was starting to freak out about that.  She has never had trouble hearing and lately it has gotten very bad.  We are hoping that it's just a combination of her sinuses recovering from not smoking, the white noise of a hospital room and the new buzzing bed that has been in her room the last week or so for the new roommate- it's horrible and I can see how it would mess with one's ability to hear.

They have ordered and will make sure that we have what we need- potty chair, walker, oxygen, etc.  Unfortunately, mom's oxygen levels are still low when she's active, so she will need to remain on the O2 at least for awhile,  I hope to God that she can get off of it because she has already decided that she will not go out in public with the O2.  Her vanity can get the best of her and it's so discouraging to see that attitude.  But she has also been through a lot and the journey is not close to being over.    I am hoping that we are not taking on more than we can handle- but if it doesn't kill us it makes us stronger- right?    I am trying to be very good about keeping some level or normalcy to our lives,  We have a variety of plans that have been on the calendar prior to mom's hospitalization, so I have put word out to the family that we will need coverage and everyone is on board with doing what they can since Bill & I take on the bulk of the caregiving by default with her at our home.

Mom is very upset that she is "putting us through this" and that she has never wanted to be a burden and wishes that she were dead.  She keeps saying that she's had a great 82 years and that it's not worth living to be suffering or a burden to others.  That attitude of hers is almost worse than her physical condition, what sort of kids would we be if we didn't take care of her?  She has spent her entire life being selflessly giving to all of us, so it's our time to give back.

We had the choice to pick any day between now and Saturday to have her discharged, but since the home care people have 24- 48 hours to check in, and with the weekend coming, it really was in our best interest to have her come home tomorrow, so we can get some level of therapy by Friday.    I am exhausted right now and should be getting some work done- but just not focused or motivated...I keep thinking that I don't want to get old and who is going to take care of me when I'm 82 (God willing I'm still alive)?  I will have to take tomorrow off because after my nail appointment (quite possibly my last bit of "me" time without worrying about mom or having to make arrangements), I then have two appointments with the OT & PT respectively to go over and be "trained" in the needed caregiving.  I won't get home until 330pm and then mom should arrive by ambulance transport sometime between 5-6pm.  I will have dinner ready and then she will soon go to sleep after that.  I plan to have transport get her up the stairs and into bed since it is the evening time.  Thursday will be a long day getting used to the new routine...and I am sure that I will be more than ready to go teach my Body Pump class Thursday night to get a little down time.

I have decided to get a sub for my Friday Spin class for the next three weeks and see how things go.  It's the hardest time slot to get coverage here with family and I think there are other times where I need family more.   This weekend is minimal with plans...we of course won't go dancing Friday night and probably won't get to go dancing for a few weeks (sad)...we have massage appointments set for Sunday and I am already looking forward to that- my brother will "mom-sit" while we go.  Saturday will be a down day at home and I think I will make a corned beef since it is St. Patrick's day and my mom is "Patty"!

My brother and sister have both said that I need to still go to Napa with the gal pals next weekend, so we'll see if we can pull that off with coverage.  I don't want Bill to be 100% responsible on that Saturday, it's not fair- she is not his mother, although he sure does treat her like she is.  I'm lucky.  
Ok, I think I have sufficiently rambled...I had so many more thoughts earlier today, but now tired has interfered with my coherent thoughts!

The Health "Uncare" System...
 
So this afternoon I get a call from mom's case manager and they inform me that the PT & OT are done with mom as of Thursday & Friday this week and guess what, she is to be discharged FRIDAY!!  Really?  How can anyone think she is "ready" to go home?   Seems that my mom informed the case manager that she couldn't go home on Friday because I am out of town this weekend- which is true.  But so much remains to be figured out.  Nobody at the hospital has contacted us to discuss "options" and give us ideas of what the next step should be.   I gave the case manager a piece of my mind.  I feel bad for her because she is covering for the vacationing case manager- but really if you're going to call the family, you should know your case before going to discuss it over the phone.

She said that the "release orders" involve visits at home by a home nurse, physical therapist and occupational therapist to continue working with her at home and to change her wound bandages.   And they also advise that she will need 8+ hours of home care assistance.  To me this means she needs to stay in skilled nursing- really?  How do facilities operate like this?     I inquired for more specifics on what type of "assistance"- the reply I got, "shopping, cleaning, cooking, bathing, laundry, etc."- so I then said, "ok, so if she stays with me for awhile where I shop, cook, do laundry, etc." what assistance is needed then?  She sort of fumbles on the phone and then says "Supervision" and says that she really needs to speak to the therapists to see what they think.  After I expressed a huge concern that they were releasing her too early, she suggested that perhaps they set up a Family Care Conference with the Doctor, Therapists, Case Manager & Social Worker, which I said I'd love, something that should have happened a long time ago.  She is trying to schedule that for Monday or Tuesday of next week.  I asked her how that impacts mom's discharge date and she said that they would  not discharge her until there is a plan in place, but then she said she had to talk to the Medical Group to see if they would authorize the additional days.  I suggested that she sees if the PT may recant and say they need another week to work with her, basically I told her to "play the game" and "make it work".   In the meantime, she is going to have someone contact me to discuss the options with care facilities for short term and other long term solutions.  Much will depend upon how mom continues to heal.

Afterwards, I spoke to my mom and she seemed pretty disgusted that they wanted to get rid of her.  She definitely wants to be out of that place- but is very fearful that she's not ready and truth be told, she is not ready- she has climbed a total of 5 stairs in PT, she has 13 at home- we have 15 at our house if she comes to stay with us for a bit.   I told her that I am working on options and that she is not to "sign" anything because if the medical group doesn't approve, then I'd assume she would be on the hook for the cost of the additional nights.  Really puts families between a rock & a hard place.

So our options- really limited I think because everything is so expensive.  I don't think she can go back home not without 24/7 care.  I don't think she can be home alone yet.  So if living with us helps to alleviate some of the needs/financial burden then so be it.  However, that being said- I know that I can't take care of her 24/7 on my own (meaning Bill & I).  I did a lot last year with her hospital ordeal and it took a huge toll on me and I'm not trying to make this sound like it's about me because it's not, but the long and the short of it is that I don't think I can provide all the care that she is going to need.  It's just a matter of figuring out how much help I would need and the costs involved with that so that I do have some "me" time and don't get too overwhelmed.   I don't know, last year I had no doubts that I could provide the care needed- but it was a very different situation.  Even though she came home from the hospital incredibly weak and we had to help her up/down the stairs, it was a quick bounce back considering.   That was one week, this time she has been out of commission for over a month- that takes a huge toll.   Last year it was just about rebuilding strength, this year it's dealing with continued pain in her legs, healing wounds, issues with breathing and certainly having to use Oxygen for awhile - all while still trying to get back to "normal" .  So far the stomach/potty issues seem to be in control- but she said today that she plans to wear diapers for awhile- I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with that.   She has not been an incontinent person, but this experience in the hospital with very delayed response times from the nursing staff had made her dependent upon diapers.

So overall, I am very conflicted right now, really not sure what is the right answer for all of us concerned.  There are no answers at this point, yet we are going to be forced to make a decision in less than a week - which means we need to investigate the options before then, which means the rest of my week is going to be consumed with this research vs. catching up on the incredibly long list of travel research requests that I have right now.  Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I am feeling.

I am happy to be going away this weekend for the Reno Dance train- this may be the last of dancing that we'll be doing for a long time - might have to start having a dance party in the garage.  I am feeling the stress in my back/neck and have not been to the chiropractor in a few weeks- I really need to get adjusted.  I am also eating terribly lately and can feel the weight coming on.  It doesn't help that this has been another one of those non-period periods!   Yep, still skipping a month on that stuff and when I skip a month I seem to bloat continually...sigh- womanhood- oh joy!

So stack of working staring at me, have not touched any of it tonight as planned...getting tired and should just get to bed and try to get up early to attack the work.  Going to be a fedex hostage tomorrow waiting for the Giants Season Tickets to be delivered- signature required.  The time the package arrives will dictate if I get to go walking tomorrow and if I get to go visit mom.

4 weeks...28 days...yep we have reached the 1 month mark!

February 3, a Friday is when I checked my mother in to CPMC, here we are 4 weeks later, a Friday, March 2nd..and she's still in hospital care.   On 2/3 I was tired because I had just gotten back from a wonderful Hawaiian vacation.  On 3/2, I am tired because this month has been very exhausting.  You just never realize how much of a toll this takes on you when a family member is sick.   It's one thing to deal with the physical part of the illness, but to deal with all the emotional/mental aspects is really downright exhausting.    Not to mention the time spent going to/from SF, a lot of extra time and in my life time is something I don't have excess of.  I am doing my best to try to find balance.  My job is to help my mother stay positive and confident that she can recover.  At times, this is very difficult.  But I remain an optimist - it's just my nature.  28 days and only one parking ticket - today!!  So pissed off because I did not see the street cleaning sign, it was hidden behind a tree behind where I parked, I didn't stand a chance of seeing that sign.  I may fight it, but not sure I have the time or the fight to put into it!  

In 28 days, she has made progress.  Especially when you consider that she was in the hospital 5 days before they deemed surgery the appropriate option, then her kidneys were giving some trouble, once that was clear she moves to skilled nursing and starts therapy only to get hit with C-diff a week later that slows down the therapy progress.  I know she is frustrated, it's not fun having diarrhea everyday for 9 days straight.  The meds should be kicking in so that she will be on the bowel mend very soon.  She has to have 3 days of solid movements to be considered "cured" from this bacteria.   I feel as though once this is cleared up, they will probably be discharging her.  So then the question is where?

She will not be able to go home and live alone- she would need some level of home care, but how much?  That remains unclear at this time.   Could she come live with us temporarily?  Yes, but again it depends on what level of care is needed and what can be provided.   She has also expressed not wanting to "do this to us", she is so aware and does not want to become a burden to us.  I get that and she would never be a burden because I am adamant about making sure that I make boundaries and stick to them.    Will she go to an independent/assisting living facility?  Eventually, I am sure this is in the plan, but financially I don't think she can make that transition right now.  Things have to be sorted through.

It is very frustrating for me because I am a planner.  I like solid answers, but with this sort of thing you just don't get solid answers.  It's a day by day thing.  Just trying to gather information so that we can make informed decisions.  

Today during my visit with mom, her Physical Therapist came by for their session and got her out of bed and had her do some walking.  She is getting short of breath pretty easily, but I really do think that is is mostly because of the lack of conditioning from being bed-ridden for 28 days.  Her legs are also a huge source of pain for her and walking is not pain-free.  But she still plugs along and when given the choice to "try again" or go to bed, she chooses to "try again"  She is a fighter!   I just keep trying to reassure her that she can work hard and be back to her old life.  She has had her moments of believing this too, but has also had her moments of huge doubt.  I can't even imagine being in her shoes. 

I did get to see her out walking around today!

 She's not happy to use the walker or to be hooked up to O2, hopefully, she will be able to work up to not using the O2 and perhaps downgrade the walker to her cane in time.  She is so frustrated, but I keep trying to remind her that out of 28 days, she has been out of bed - moving around- maybe 1 day out of that time.  It would be hard for someone like me to bounce back.

I am very thankful for the network of friends & family who have been so supportive and a few friends who are dealing with their own parents with their illnesses and seeing the health of our beloved parents decline.  It is not easy, yet it is part of life.  Some of us go through this at a very young age and some get to enjoy our parents for much longer.  I was cheated many years with my dad, so I don't take any of these days lightly with my mom- yet I do know that quality of life is most important for her and for me.  It would never be fair for her quality of life to be sacrificed so that I get more quantity of life with her.   I do honestly feel though that she does have a good quality of life ahead of her, she just needs to work and fight over this huge hurdle.  She's much stronger than she thinks she is, I can see it in her subtitles. 

WW Journey?  Well, let's just say that having a loved one in the hospital is not conducive to weight loss.  The scale has been inching back up to that 170 mark again..seems I am stuck in a 5 pound abyss and although I can rationalize it all, I still need to do something about it.  I can't gain weight- but I am getting very bored with food, I need to add in my own workouts- I'm not walking enough and really only teaching Body Pump 4x and Spin 1x per week.  I need to infuse other stuff here.  I need to find some new dishes that excited me.  I need to stop dining out/take out food so much.  I need to measure my glass of wine again and stick to it...63 days to go until the Oasis of the Seas and I just bought 10 new belly button rings  - some match my bikini's and some are just cute, generic, anytime rings.   But I need to slim down more to thoroughly enjoy them! 

Off to bed I go, an exciting weekend awaits...Body Pump tomorrow morning, brunch with a group of fabulous Mercy Alum, visit mom, then hopefully a Saturday evening with the McC's so that Bill can help work out some computer issues for them.  Sunday is tax day- yep, not my favorite day of the year, but two things you can't avoid in life- taxes and death.  Took a break from dancing tonight, needed to lay low and nurse an ailing hip/low back issue and next weekend we will be dancing non-stop on the Dance train to Reno...we'll make up for it.