Today things still don't feel real. I got some much needed rest and lounged in bed until noon, making some phone calls, reading emails, Facebook posts, etc. The out-pour of love and support is absolutely amazing and I know that I am truly blessed to have such amazing, loving and supportive people in my life.
What has touched me the most is how so many people have told me that they feel as though they knew my mom because of my posts, my stories, my pictures. That is just so awesome and warms my heart. I have also been touched that I've heard from 4 of my mom's Drs. Yesterday, an email from her Vascular Doctor (our favorite)- Dr. Gillon and she had this to say:
"So sudden! I am grateful I got to see her in her sweet little apartment. I loved your mother. You did such an amazing job of taking care of her. She will be missed. Much love, Jean"
Then today, I had called her GI Dr. office to cancel her next appointment and had a long talk with the receptionist- their offices had already received the word, but she just went on and on about how good my mom looked on Thursday and how she was always so pleasant.
Next up, I called her Cardiologist and left a message, it did not warrant a call back, but she called back this afternoon and left me this beautiful voice mail about how she was shocked but that she knew that my mom would not have wanted to suffer with liver cancer. She went onto say how much she enjoyed being mom's Dr. and that she was such a fun & sweet person.
At the end of the day, I received a call from her Primary Care Physician, Dr. Aron and he was also so shocked. To the point that he went back and reviewed previous test results and did confirm that in the Spring of 2013 (her last chest x-ray)- there were no signs of the cancer, so this was indeed a very aggressive, fast growing and spreading cancer that came on very recently. He also said that her liver readings were slightly abnormal in November (which we knew) but they were fine prior to that, so again proof that the cancer had not impacted her liver until November. He too went onto say how much he enjoyed mom and what a lovely lady she was, always dressed to the nines and he even commented on her OCD with taking her blood pressure multiple times per day. He went onto say how she was a joy to have as a patient and that he will miss seeing her. He was so happy that she had overcome so many health obstacles and said she was such a fighter.
After meeting with the Mortician to make the arrangements, we went to her apartment to start to clean things out. We informed the gal at the reception desk and she literally went into shock. She had to take a moment. She simply could not believe that she saw her Friday and everything was fine and she looked good, walking around and gone today. She also went on to tell us how much she would miss mom and that she really was well liked around Woodside Terrace. I realize that a place like Woodside Terrace has a high move in/move out rate- it's a senior community, but I did feel like the gal at the front desk really knew mom and really did not expect to hear this and was deeply saddened by this.
While I am still super sad and miss her terribly, I am so happy to hear these stories and to know that she really did touch so many lives. She was a woman who everyone loved, she left her mark with you after one meeting. She made you feel that you mattered and to her - you did matter. She loved people, she was a social butterfly (wow what a name- she loved her butterflies). Tonight was a bit freaky when my phone (my office phone that never rings at night- except for when mom calls) rang at 830pm- the time she would normally call on a Monday night right after bingo. I caught myself getting up off the couch to run to get the phone. Then I stopped- she won't be making those phone calls anymore.
Monday, January 13, 2014
One Life Changing Day
January 12, 2014 is a day that I will never forget, the day that my mother and best friend was called to Heaven. It has been a long and winding road these past few years and she has been to hell and back, she fought and fought and fought even when she didn't know she was fighting or that she wanted to fight. She overcame so many nasty medical issues time and time again. It's actually quite amazing that she had a full 84.5 years on this God given Earth. Although, she has said over and over again that she should have died back in 2011 when she had the Duodenal Ulcer, on Saturday while at the ER she was talking with excitement about the coming Giants Season, she was talking about the Gardening Club at Woodside Terrace that she was going to join...and then 12 hours later she was gone.
Am I surprised that she had cancer? No, she smoked for 65 years- surely there had to be some damage from that. But what I was surprised by was the fact that we find out Saturday night that she had cancer and then Sunday that she has 4-5 days to be with us and then once we get adjusted to that idea, we get the message that it didn't look good and we should get to the hospital ASAP. She went from being so "with it" and "coherent" at midnight Saturday when I left the hospital to being completely out of it Sunday afternoon.
While I know that I was blessed with an amazing mother and friend, I am so pissed that she didn't get to enjoy more of her "second life" here in Redwood City. She was just getting fully adjusted to her new home at Woodside Terrace, loving her cute little apartment and very proud of her decorations. She LOVED decorating for this Christmas and was so happy that I convinced her to put up her miniature tree. We had fun decorating her place together. She was loving feeling useful and volunteered to help Colleen the activity director with stapling the weekly activity sheets. She processed over 500 Holiday cards for me with stamps, stuffing and labels. I know that life is not fair, but this is just not fair at all.
I think I knew on Friday that her time with us was coming to an end. We went for blood work and she was in pain, but did not want to go to the hospital. Saturday when I saw her she agreed that she needed to go to the hospital. She was in a lot of pain and it showed. In hindsight, she knew as well. She had me trying on some of her rings while we were in the ER, she was telling me what bills needed to be paid and what she wanted to pay on them.
I had a very strange premonition on Saturday. I was taking a Body Flow class and during the meditation/relaxation track, the instructor who was guiding the meditation just got to me, she took me to a place that was outside of my head- almost like a dream state. However, I found myself tearing up and my "dream" or "vision" that I had during this brief time was of myself and a friend Barbara and we were at a resort together and talking about our moms and how cancer sucks. Barbara lost her mom a few weeks ago and I have had her on my mind ever since her mom started to battle Cancer last year. Barbara and I are not even close friends, we met 10 years ago at the gym and have stayed in touch via Facebook. When the class was done, I was feeling very melancholy....I knew that something was wrong.
After 9 hours at the hospital, when I came home I did my research online and read up on Liver Cancer and pretty much looked at my brother and said "Mom's screwed"- we didn't know for sure if she had Liver Cancer, but it was 99.9% likely and I knew going to bed Saturday night that she was dying. I woke up feeling pretty much the same way Sunday morning, I hoped it was something else, but how else do you explain masses on the liver? You don't.
My mother was a wonderful woman. She was strong, loving, would do anything for her kids and grandkids, she loved to garden, cruise, play bingo and gamble. She loved to help people, she had a HUGE heart and was so very giving. She was goofy and got a kick out of herself- often. She loved her collections and in her lifetime she collected a lot of things: thimbles, plates, spoons, dolls, teddy bears, music boxes, jewelry, decorations and anything butterfly...and yes many times she was over the top with her collections..but she loved them. She was always aware of her appearance and took great pride in looking good. Even in the ER Saturday night, she asked if her hair was messed up and if she still had on lipstick. The last thing I did for my mom before she passed- I straightened her bangs and put on her lipstick..and although she couldn't speak, I think she knew and appreciated this gesture. She goes to heaven with snowmen on her thumbnails- she recently discovered nail art and looked forward to her manicures every other month to get a new nail design...her next appointment was set up for this week..she was going to have a flower. On my next nail appointment, I will get the flower or a butterfly in her memory.
I will miss her terribly, I already do. We would talk on the phone every day and see each other several times a week. It's a great loss. I find my comfort in knowing that she is not suffering, I think she suffered more than she should have these past few days or even weeks because she was not ready to leave us, I also think she did not want to be sick before I left on vacation- she wanted me to go have a fun cruise for New Years. That's the type of woman that she was- extremely selfless, almost to a fault. I find my comfort in knowing that she is now with my Dad- their marriage was not perfect, but they did find a renewed happiness together in his last few years and that is the man who is waiting for her in Heaven. I find my comfort in knowing that I maximized my time with her and that we had quality time together, especially these past three years. It was a gift that I am so grateful to have been given.
Rest in Peace, Patricia Maureen Harper, my sweet, sweet mom. I will love and think of you always.
Am I surprised that she had cancer? No, she smoked for 65 years- surely there had to be some damage from that. But what I was surprised by was the fact that we find out Saturday night that she had cancer and then Sunday that she has 4-5 days to be with us and then once we get adjusted to that idea, we get the message that it didn't look good and we should get to the hospital ASAP. She went from being so "with it" and "coherent" at midnight Saturday when I left the hospital to being completely out of it Sunday afternoon.
While I know that I was blessed with an amazing mother and friend, I am so pissed that she didn't get to enjoy more of her "second life" here in Redwood City. She was just getting fully adjusted to her new home at Woodside Terrace, loving her cute little apartment and very proud of her decorations. She LOVED decorating for this Christmas and was so happy that I convinced her to put up her miniature tree. We had fun decorating her place together. She was loving feeling useful and volunteered to help Colleen the activity director with stapling the weekly activity sheets. She processed over 500 Holiday cards for me with stamps, stuffing and labels. I know that life is not fair, but this is just not fair at all.
I think I knew on Friday that her time with us was coming to an end. We went for blood work and she was in pain, but did not want to go to the hospital. Saturday when I saw her she agreed that she needed to go to the hospital. She was in a lot of pain and it showed. In hindsight, she knew as well. She had me trying on some of her rings while we were in the ER, she was telling me what bills needed to be paid and what she wanted to pay on them.
I had a very strange premonition on Saturday. I was taking a Body Flow class and during the meditation/relaxation track, the instructor who was guiding the meditation just got to me, she took me to a place that was outside of my head- almost like a dream state. However, I found myself tearing up and my "dream" or "vision" that I had during this brief time was of myself and a friend Barbara and we were at a resort together and talking about our moms and how cancer sucks. Barbara lost her mom a few weeks ago and I have had her on my mind ever since her mom started to battle Cancer last year. Barbara and I are not even close friends, we met 10 years ago at the gym and have stayed in touch via Facebook. When the class was done, I was feeling very melancholy....I knew that something was wrong.
After 9 hours at the hospital, when I came home I did my research online and read up on Liver Cancer and pretty much looked at my brother and said "Mom's screwed"- we didn't know for sure if she had Liver Cancer, but it was 99.9% likely and I knew going to bed Saturday night that she was dying. I woke up feeling pretty much the same way Sunday morning, I hoped it was something else, but how else do you explain masses on the liver? You don't.
My mother was a wonderful woman. She was strong, loving, would do anything for her kids and grandkids, she loved to garden, cruise, play bingo and gamble. She loved to help people, she had a HUGE heart and was so very giving. She was goofy and got a kick out of herself- often. She loved her collections and in her lifetime she collected a lot of things: thimbles, plates, spoons, dolls, teddy bears, music boxes, jewelry, decorations and anything butterfly...and yes many times she was over the top with her collections..but she loved them. She was always aware of her appearance and took great pride in looking good. Even in the ER Saturday night, she asked if her hair was messed up and if she still had on lipstick. The last thing I did for my mom before she passed- I straightened her bangs and put on her lipstick..and although she couldn't speak, I think she knew and appreciated this gesture. She goes to heaven with snowmen on her thumbnails- she recently discovered nail art and looked forward to her manicures every other month to get a new nail design...her next appointment was set up for this week..she was going to have a flower. On my next nail appointment, I will get the flower or a butterfly in her memory.
I will miss her terribly, I already do. We would talk on the phone every day and see each other several times a week. It's a great loss. I find my comfort in knowing that she is not suffering, I think she suffered more than she should have these past few days or even weeks because she was not ready to leave us, I also think she did not want to be sick before I left on vacation- she wanted me to go have a fun cruise for New Years. That's the type of woman that she was- extremely selfless, almost to a fault. I find my comfort in knowing that she is now with my Dad- their marriage was not perfect, but they did find a renewed happiness together in his last few years and that is the man who is waiting for her in Heaven. I find my comfort in knowing that I maximized my time with her and that we had quality time together, especially these past three years. It was a gift that I am so grateful to have been given.
Rest in Peace, Patricia Maureen Harper, my sweet, sweet mom. I will love and think of you always.
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