I did better than I thought I would!

I got out a few tears this morning in the shower...knowing that I was going to have to say good-bye. I got teary-eyed several times today with talking to other parents or listening to some of the Deans, VP's etc speak.  But overall, I did good!   Today was a really good day!

We had a parent's meeting where the VP of Student Relations (I think) spoke and she is the mother of a sophomore in college- so she knows about the "letting go".  Her talk was very "REAL", it was very comical and she really conveyed how much these new freshman kids are leaving one family (temporarily) for another family.   She really stressed how RIT is a family and that these kids are in very good hands.  I have to say that I agree.  When I looked over campus today while walking from one place to another, you could see groups of Freshman with their OA (Orientation Adviser) doing various activities with their groups.  These were ice-breakers, getting to know you types of activities and every group I saw looked like they were having fun.   You could tell that the OA's really cared about their group.  

After the first meeting, we then had Department meetings and these were very informative and gave you a chance to meet other families of students in the same Major School.  As luck would have it, I did meet two other parents whose kids are in the Motion Picture Science program.  We ended up having lunch together, attended the afternoon financial workshop together and then sat together for the Convocation Ceremony.  We have exchanged contact info so we can keep in touch - very comforting.

This afternoon, we witnessed an RIT tradition- the Tiger Walk.  Each OA group walked in to the Activities Center and filled in the rows of chairs, while all  family members tried to spot their kid- a near impossible task when you have 2200 freshman all wearing brown RIT shirts.  Of course, in the stands were all the families- most of them wearing Orange RIT shirts...I never did see Michael, but later learned that he really was sitting close to where I was.   A lot of welcome speeches by the President, Dean and a few others - again the strong message of family.   Once this was done, I had a text message from Michael with his location and we met up and spent the remaining two hours together.

We did run into his roommate, his friend and their families.  Got to meet his grandparents, who had just arrives for a special alumni dinner with incoming freshman who qualify.  David's grandfather is a grad from RIT's class of 1955!  Before we went our separate ways, Nancy (David's mom) told Michael that if he ever needed anything to feel free to call them, that he is now family as far as they were concerned.   (let's open up the flood gates now....)   But see- just wonderful people.  We are so blessed to have these types of people put in our lives.   Thank you God!

Michael & I sat around outside, ate ice cream, chit chatted.  Had him tell me about his day and I shared some of my experiences of the day and valuable information that I had learned and then it was time for him to head back to his dorm to get ready for his next meeting.  We walked until he was almost at the dorms and then said our goodbyes-  I did start to cry before I could get a single word out...I seriously HATE goodbyes!   But I did manage to tell him how proud he has made all of us and told him to make sure he has fun in college, to get involved, to have experiences, to live.  Told him that I loved him and then left.   He told me that he loved me too, we hugged and then he said, "I'll see you online"...he is a Facebook stalker- one of those who is there and looks, but hardly ever comments.  Hopefully, that will change now that he's across the country!

Now it is time to get some sleep, early morning  - flight in 8 hours, so yes, must sleep NOW!
It's been a long, trying, emotional week- I can't wait to get home and snuggle with my hubby!

The Three Amigos (Michael, Jeff, David)

 My handsome Nephew a few hours before I had to leave!

Butterflies.....

I no longer have butterflies in my stomach with Michael going away to college.   I have been so nervous, thinking of all the "what ifs".  What if he and his roommate don't like each other, what if he hates the college once he's there, what if, what if, what if.   Well, today was "move in" day and we started it exhausted from the long travel day and two nights of minimal sleep.   The check-in process was very smooth, very organized and while we were waiting our turn to "drop" the stuff, I asked him if he was nervous at all, "no", if he was excited "ya, sort of"- just all matter of fact replies.  I thought to myself- why should he be nervous- I've got that emotion covered!

Once I dropped him and his stuff, then parked and shuttled myself back to the dorm- he had already gone to town and put all his clothes away, was making his bed, arranging everything on his desk.  He was really "into this".   I met his roommate David and his family:  Nancy (mom), Tim (dad) and Jessica (sister)- a very nice family and I could tell right away that David and Michael were going to hit if off- I was already seeing it.    Then we learn that David's best friend Jeff is also at R.I.T. and they purposely did not room together so that they could meet new people and cross-introduce friends.  How mature is that?    Of course, Jeff and Michael hit it off as well and I am already seeing  "the three amigos".   (we were all walking to the Resource Fair - shown below)  Jeff's parents (Sandy & Carl were also very nice people)

Once we were all unpacked, we headed to the Resource Fair - a place to get the Student ID, open bank accounts with local banks, make sure the health center has all required information, check out job opportunities on campus, etc.  Once we were done with that, we had lunch, went to the bookstore and got those nasty, expensive things ($350!) and then went to dinner with the entire group of our new friends.  At dinner, I noticed that Michael, David and Jeff really had no idea that we were there, they were so into their conversation with each other.

Today, I got to witness Michael spreading his wings.  He is grown up, he has been for quite sometime, but today it just sort of hit me.   He's 19 and a Freshman in college and he has left home.  WOW!    Of course, today there were many times that I had to introduce myself as "Aunt Pam" and after awhile, I just stopped correcting people who would assume I was his mother.  Like my sister said- for all intents and purposes...sigh.    Over dinner tonight, Nancy asked me what happened to Michael's mother, I don't think she expected to hear that his mother has chosen to not be a part of his life.   I have a very hard time telling people this without getting tears in my eyes.  

I really think that David's parents are pleased with Michael as his roommate.  They are so well matched- they both like the room cold, they both go to bed early, they have similar interests in computers, lights/sound and they are both Lutheran.  It was really awesome to see them in the "getting to know you" process.  

Tonight I met the President of R.I.T. and attended a meeting for families.  It was very informative and you just really left with a good feeling.  A feeling that tells you that your kid is in a good, safe environment.  Although, I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye tomorrow night, I do feel that I can leave and know that Michael is just fine and that he's going to do fabulously in college.  What an adventure for him, what an experience - SUPER proud and excited "Ahn-eee"  (that's how Michael first said my name 17 years ago).

David & Michael, showing 1/2 the dorm room...it's really quite large.

ID card! 

Reflections.....& Goodbyes...

It is now "college eve", as much as I've been excited for Michael to go away to college, I have found myself getting teary-eyed often these past few days just thinking of him going away and thinking of the "good-bye" scene that will happen when I leave and come home.  I have NEVER been good at good-byes and I am seriously going to miss that kid!    Last night I printed the booklets that tell us what our schedules will be for the next few days - tried to see where we overlap and where we have our own activities for Orientation.  It looks like my good-bye will be 7pm Thursday night.  He has Resident Hall meetings from 7-10pm and I fly home at 8am Friday.

I've had many discussions with my brother lately and he is really going to have a tough time letting his first born go.  I totally get it.  Michael is a great kid, a fantastic son and such a bright young man with such an exciting future ahead of him.  We are all so excited for him, so proud of him and probably a little jealous of him at the same time because he gets to do something we never did - going away to college.   Just the thought scares me and that is why I didn't go away to college.  It's a huge step.   It takes a mature young man to make this decision to move that far away from home.

I had posted on something yesterday and made a comment of how I've been getting teary-eyed this week and how "I'm not even the mom".  Today my sister emailed me to let me know that "for all intents and purposes, I am the mom and we're both lucky".   I am lucky that I've been able to be a mother role for Michael these past years - a natural fit since I don't have kids and in reality he doesn't have a mother - his "real mother" doesn't seem to give a rats ass and that still really bothers me.   I just don't get how a parent can give birth and then desert their child - how does that happen?  how is that acceptable in ones mind?   Ugh.

It's 10pm and my brother and nephew are still washing all the linens and such to pack for our trip- we only leave the house in 8 hours, but whose counting!    Gee, who suggested that stuff be washed a week ago?   Pam the planner!

Well, looking forward to the next couple of days-- it's going to be fun!

Let the fun begin!

We are going to have a few remodeling projects going on at our house in the coming year.  My brother's idea to help boost our property value and "pay rent" while he is living with us.  It's a win-win and I'm starting to get pretty excited about this.    We are going to start with the Master Bathroom and he wants to have it done before Christmas.  Well, now that we just made plans to fly to Connecticut at the end of October for my cousin Jamie's wedding, that is a perfect time to demo the bathroom and get a lot of work done while we are gone.  What does this all mean?  It means that now I need to start thinking about cabinets, tiles, granite or other types of counters.  Ultimately, fun stuff but I am not so good at doing this sort of thing.   It's going to be a fun task that will be a huge headache.  

We need to figure out the layout of our cabinets really soon though so that his cabinet guy can start building them.  My brother has ideas and I do trust his recommendations--he knows bathrooms and kitchens and knows how to make them fabulous!   I wouldn't entrust anyone else to do these projects in my home- so I really am excited.

I am also excited that we are going to get a cabinet unit in the garage to replace the make-shift pantry that we have, it's going to be so awesome and it will have a built in shoe rack for Bill's shoes and also a built in wine rack so we don't have to have cases sitting in the garage!  Really going to be nice once that is done.  This will be done before or at the same time as the Master Bathroom.

Early 2013, the hallway bathroom (a.k.a. Bill's bathroom that is now the Harper bathroom) will get a complete remodel and i'm told that it should not be a mirror copy of the Master- gee that would be so simple, but guess we have to change it up to have better resale appeal.   And then by summer, we should be looking at a new kitchen remodel- that's going to be a biggie and perhaps the most exciting part of the plan.  This will have to incorporate some remodeling of the living room since we'll have to remove the popcorn on the ceiling and will have to decide upon new carpets or go with wood or laminant throughout the downstairs..the carpet is looking really bad and we do have some areas that need replacing- it may just be easier to go the wood route.

Hoping that this really raises our value..somehow I think once these projects are all done, I'm going to want to paint the house and put in air conditioning.  Now I just need to sell lots of trips so I can finance these projects.  HA ha ha!   At least they are spread out over time...!

Still exhausted and looking forward to the weekend!  Yes, I realize that it is only Monday - well technically after midnight, so it's Tuesday- woo hoo!

I think the last two weekends and all the mileage & driving that I've done have fit me to be tied!   This past weekend was a Birthday weekend, two celebrations - my nephew Michael's 19th birthday party/Going away to college party in Walnut Creek and then my Great Niece MacKenzie's 1st birthday in Fairfield.   A lot of time on the road, although not nearly as much as the previous weekend going to Redding.  Today, I was just DONE.  I kept trying to get motivated to do some work, but I really did very little today, I wanted to just crawl into bed and take a nap but never really had the time to do it.

I flutzed around between my 7am class and my 1pm appointment to take mom in for an X-ray on her foot.  Once we finished that and I took her home, changed her bandage, got gas and went to the bank it was almost 3pm and then I needed to go with my brother to the H.S. District Office to prove that he lives with me right now so that his son can go to Woodside HS this year.  Got home and by then it was almost 430pm- my quitting time (sort of).   I brought work down to the couch but have not lifted a finger.  Scanned through a few catalogs and magazines while watching the Giants kick some Dodger butt and that was about all I had energy for.

I think I am emotionally drained.  Yesterday in Fairfield, my ex-mother in law Joyce was asking about my mom and how she was doing and I had to really bring her up to speed on everything that has transpired this year.   I mentioned that my mom was smoking again, not sure how much but that she was and I expressed how much that pissed me off.   Joyce had the opinion of, "she's 83, let her do what she wants" and I just about came unglued and explained over and over again that "no you don't get it- she is in the condition she is in right now because of smoking and she has been through hell this year and I've turned my life upside-down to help her this year, it's like a slap in the face for her to smoke now after all of this."   I let out a lot of anger and a lot of disgust that I've let build up because I really am pissed off that mom has picked up cigarettes again and although I know I can't control her and she's going to do what she wants- the reality of things is that I am not prepared nor do I want to be prepared to "clean up after that mess" when she lands herself in the hospital again - maybe next time losing her foot or leg because of circulation issues from smoking.   It's one thing to be supportive when one's parent's health declines naturally, but for it to happen because of willful acts like smoking......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!    Poor Joyce, she really got an earful and of course she is sitting there smoking while I'm going through my rampage...it was very surprising to me that she did have that attitude because she lost her mom a few years ago and it was not pretty- her mom lost a toe, then a foot, then a leg up to the knees and then the other leg started to go.  She was Diabetic- but even so I don't care if you're a smoker or Diabetic- in either case you can do things to CHANGE your lifestyle to stop these health issues.  You can reverse the effects, the knowledge is there, yet people still self-destruct.  Sigh.

Mom's mood swings lately have been crazy- which I think may also be an indication of smoking and/or having smoked and now going through withdrawals again since I have been grilling her and reminding her of the reality called loss of limb and portable oxygen tanks if she continues to smoke.  She swears that she isn't smoking and maybe her nasty attitude confirms that- sort of like a dry drunk, but the non-smokers wishing she could smoke version.  Who knows.  I just know that I need to come to some sort of peace about this so I can move on because it is weighing heavily on my shoulders right now and I am feeling the stress of it all.  I wonder if my daily bandage changes are for nothing, if she is smoking are these wounds not healing like they should because of that- I just don't know.

She is making some friends that she is starting to talk about..she has her two lady friends who also go to breakfast on the later side of the morning,  Geri and Sara or Sally (can't remember).  Then she seems to have a following at bingo- she is the candy pusher and now has a flock of men who sit with her at bingo- we have Floyd, Boyd, Lloyd & Richard and I swear I did not make up the three rhyming names.  But they all seem to enjoy the candy she brings to bingo which she shares and if that has been the ice breaker for her to make friends, then YAY!  Today she said she might try the painting class on Thursday, so she does sort of "try" from time to time.  But one day she tries, the next day it's the "I should have died last year" bullshit.  And then days like today- we get both moods...she was cranky after her bandage change and then after winning twice at bingo and spending time with her gentlemen friends she was all happy and talking about painting class.  No wonder I'm exhausted!

Speaking of exhausted....good night moon.

19 Years Old!

Today, my nephew Michael turns 19!   This got me to thinking of the next few years and all the monumental "digit flipping" that will be going on.   First of all, this is his last year as a teenager...next year 20- yikes!   Time seems to have this way of just flying by and it's getting worse every year- quicker and quicker.   This year we have two "50's" to celebrate- my in-laws will be celebrating 50 years of marriage in October and my friend Pam turns 50 also in October- she starts the roll.  Another 50th birthday in December for Bruce and then next year his wife Linda turns 40!  Also, for next year- my sister's 60th,  best friend's hubby Mike turns 50,  I have a 30th High School reunion...and then 2014 Bill turns 50 and Michael turns 21!   These celebrations will all be here before we know it.  It's sort of scary.

I'm still a little unsettled though that I have a 19 year old nephew- all of the pictures of the cute little boy, they seem like just yesterday.   Crazy but blessed that I've been able to be a part of his life and watch him grow up.  He's an amazing young man and he's going to be very successful with whatever he chooses to do with his life.

I am so SORE!!!  After 13 days of no activity, I am back to teaching.  I taught Body Pump yesterday and then today subbed Spin and taught my Tuesday night Body Pump.    Although I've enjoyed teaching all three classes and getting back into my fitness teaching groove, my Tuesday night class is special.  I think I finally figured it out after reading Kristy's blog last night and her attachment to her Tuesday class- this was my first class for Body Pump with me getting back to teaching the format.   When I took over the class, they were getting 8-10 people per week, we now get a minimum of 15, but almost always close to 20 people and at times a full house up to 24 or more if they use non-Body Pump equipment.

I received such a warm welcome tonight.  Everyone was so excited to see me back, eager to hear about my vacation, but happy to just have me back leading them through an awesome workout.  I had several come up to me afterwards and thank me for a great class and a long conversation with another member saying how great it feels to be pushed to her limits and encouraged to find new limits.  WOW!   I feel the same about them, they make me be better, they make me push harder for them.  It's a pretty cool feeling- we are all in this together.  We are a team, we are one tribe.  

I am back to my normal weights again, darn near killed me yesterday and today my quads were screaming- so naturally I told them to SHUT UP!   I am very happy to report that my cranky elbow is not cranky, although it is still wise to ice up after a workout.  Like the Chiropractor said, baseball players ice after each game as preventative, so I get it.  My foot, well I still need to see the P.T. and I will get to that, so for now I do lunges with no weights so that I can still give them some range - my left foot just hurts when lunging.

Travel work has been very busy but I made great progress today, so tomorrow I am working until 1030am and then I'm cutting out for the day to see the Giants play.  Very excited that I found someone to go with me, my High School buddy Marion is going to join me and I think it'll be a blast!   The boys in Orange & Black better win if I'm taking the day off to see them play!   Hoping to go dancing tomorrow night- Country Get Down Wednesday is having DJ only this week, which has great appeal to me- that means non-stop good line dancing music and I am going through withdrawals for dancing.  I'm overdue and I need to see how my foot behaves.  Wednesdays are a bit  more low key, so I think I can wear my dance athletic shoes with my inserts to help protect my foot. Need to get back in the dance groove.

Mom is doing pretty well.  I think the infection on her ankle and leg are doing better.  I have been changing the bandages daily and she is on the heavy duty antibiotics and they seems to be doing the trick.  I am keeping a close eye because her Doctor is on vacation in France, so nothing can go wrong while she is gone and we really need this to heal so mom doesn't lose the foot.  Good Lord- that cannot happen.   Mom goes through her ups and downs- one day she's depressed and the next she seems to be happy.  It's a very hard adjustment for her and I need to see what I can do to get her out into the bigger community that is Redwood City and St Pius Church.  Get her connected to others.  I am starting to get a little afraid of what will happen when baseball season is over because mom looks forward to the games and when she doesn't have those games to listen to, what is she going to do with her time?   I know she is most upset about losing her freedom, her ability to go out and drive to her coffee shop, etc.  I did ask her if she wanted to try to drive in Redwood City instead of selling her car and she said that she was ready to give up driving.   Sigh.

Life at the Horst House with our extended family is going pretty well.  Right now my brother and nephews are away for a short vacation in Tahoe and a much needed escape for all of them.  I am happy that the three of them have this chance to go away and do something as a family and leave all the stresses of everyday life behind them here in Redwood City.  Also a good time for my brother to recover from his surgery.  From the text messages I've been receiving, it sounds like they are having a great time.  In just two weeks we lose one of them to college.  I'm starting to get a little nervous for Michael, very nervous for my brother (this is going to be very tough on him), but also a bit sad for me- I'm going to miss that kid, but on the other hand so incredibly proud of him and excited for his new adventure to college.  This weekend we will celebrate Michael's birthday (19 already!) and his going away to college party...my sister will be hosting, so it will be nice to just be a guest.    I think it is safe to say that our house guests will be with up long term.  My brother has a plan and Bill & I stand to benefit in the long run and it's really not that bad having them here with us.  You learn to adapt pretty quickly and the bottom line - we have lost a bit of freedom in our home, they have lost so much more.  I continue to be amazed by my brother and how he can remain faithful, hopeful and optimistic.  He is typically a very negative person, but he is trying to turn things around and is realizing that things happen for a reason.

Now off to bed for me, I still can't seem to go to bed early.  Sigh.   House is too darn quiet, I usually have a few Harpers up at this hour with me.

Exhausted- how is this possible?

Back from vacation...a vacation where I slept a good 8+ hours every day!   It was a restful vacation, we really didn't do anything but lounge around for 7 days.  Well, scratch that- we did hotel tours for one full day.  But other than that, we were vegetables.   I tried to read a book, got all of 40 pages accomplished- just was not feeling it.  I brought two Body Pump mixes with me to review choreography and never took it out of my bag.    I did do some work though- I checked emails everyday 1-2 times and had  a few trips that I had to work on, but it was all good.    But it really was a resting vacation, all the way up until the last hour.  I was floating in the pool until an hour before our ride was picking us up.

It could not have been planned any better, our friends had their villa so once we checked out, we simply transferred our stuff and selves to their place to hang out for a few hours until our ride picked us up.  It was perfect, no rushing, no wondering how to kill time.  We got to enjoy friends who are more like family and the warm sunshine for just a few more hours.

This was a very nice vacation (except for the mosquito bites), but really a great time with the best of friends.  I did have a chance on the last day to tell my BFF that I did not appreciate her candidness about my dress while on vacation.  She tried to defend herself that she is honest and bold and that she will tell it like it is, but I reminded her that it's vacation, a time when nobody wants to hear that "stuff".  Her mom chimed in and called her a meanie too.   I made my point.  I'm all for honesty and my friends being able to be truthful with me, but there is a time and place and vacation is not one of them. 

I had decent sleep last night and a fairly busy day today and really should not be tired, but I have so much more to get done and a pile of work staring at me that I have absolutely no motivation to attack.  My brain is still on vacation mode and not wanting to return to reality.  I guess coming back to two work days before the weekend is partially to blame for this.   I'd like to think I have the weekend to catch up, but I don't.  We'll be spending 10 hours on the road, roundtrip for my niece, Sammi's wedding.  I can't believe I have a niece getting married already- but she is and I'm looking forward to it, except not looking forward to the 107 temps expected on wedding day! 

I feel weird that I have not worked out for so long..I am missing the activity, but also enjoying the down time too.  Tonight Matt who agreed to sub for me later this month when I move Michael to college posted "sub needed" because now he has his own Tuesday night class and I almost replied that I could sub- WTH?  I almost jumped at the chance to sub a class and then realized it was mine and I couldn't!  LOL   I am looking forward to Monday to get back in the Body Pump saddle and then have to plan my workouts.  I did some swimming yesterday in the plunge pool and it felt wonderful- just had to get into my breathing groove and it was on!   I think I'm going to make a concerted effort to make it to the pool 3 times a week and get my cardio on that way while my foot still heals. 

Off to bed I go,  TGIF, but I must make it a productive one! 

Today was a better day...

I woke up today initially wanting to throw in the towel.  I was half considering changing our return fight and going home early.  Who does this?  Someone who was fed up, sick & tired of being breakfast, lunch, dinner and every snack to every mosquito in Cabo!   I was almost beside myself in tears and got as far as checking flights home sooner and emailing the transfer company.    I slept like a mummy last night with the sheet wrapped around me so that I didn't have any flesh exposed..so what happens around 9am, I have a flippin' mosquito buzzing in my ear!  I started to swat blindly out of my slumber and I think I actually got him, based on the spot of blood on the sheet, but never found the carcass!   Just very frustrating- I have literally about 60 bites on my arms, legs and back...a good 30 of them on one arm!  I look like I have a disease.  I've spoken to a lot of other guests and many people are complaining of the same thing.  I heard tonight of an infant who was plagues with bites- how terrible for that little one!  I can't even imagine!  Fortunately, Baby Brooklyn has not had any bites!

So I did some work, checked emails because it is Monday.  Then I did some research.  What are some natural remedies for mosquito bites and prevention thereof!  I discovered the lavendar and eucalyptus are two scents that mosquitoes don't like.  After a wonderful day poolside, we went by the spa this evening and bought lavender lotion and eucalyptus oils.   So far, so good. 

We had our great waiter, Andres by the pool again today.  Although, today his boss was around so he had to be discreet in serving us, but in the end we paid for very little- which was nice.  We tip him well.   It was a beautiful day - we then finished the evening with a quiet evening of leftovers at the Villa with everyone and when we got back to the room I took a luxurious bubble bath.  I LOVE the fact that this resort has a great but AND they give you bubble bath!!!   It's one of those peak-a-boo tubs into the bedroom, so I could still watch the movie that Bill was watching from bed- only thing missing was the glass of wine!

Been catching up on work ever since and plan to hit the hay very soon here.  We have been sleeping in quite a bit, but I want to hit the pool earlier tomorrow.  I have a feeling that the gang may hang out at the main pool and we'd like to spend our last day with everyone, but also want to visit our buddy Andres at the Sky Pool as well!   It also has the best infinity pool view!

Overall life is pretty good.  I am blessed beyond belief with great family and friends.  I have two careers that complete me.  I have the love of the most wonderful man in the world.  But I can't help but sit here in Cabo and feel a bit on the unhappy side.  I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now.  I feel fat, I am fat, I don't look cute in my clothes, I don't look good in my bikini's at all and the cute belly button rings- well we won't even go there. 

I have always struggled with my weight, it is always a sore subject with me.  I battle over and over again and even when I was my skinniest and I knew that I looked good, there was still that fat girl in my head who couldn't always see the skinny, couldn't see the fit person that I was.  It's crazy the emotional scars that never, ever really leave us.  "Us" meaning "fat people".   I knew going into this Cabo vacation that I was not the weight I had hoped I would be.  Back in January in Hawaii, I felt pretty good- I had lost about 30 pounds and had plans to lose another 20 by the time Cabo rolled around- a good 6 months later.  Realistic goal.  But then life happened three days after returning from Hawaii and my life has been in disarray ever since.  I have not been taking care of me, not for a long time.   Over the course of the 6 months, I gained 20 instead of losing them.

I'm not one to make excuses and I'm not one to be whiner, but I am very frustrated because I am an active  person.   However, my cardio has been seriously lacking and I feel a bit helpless because of my injuries.  My foot is a big issue and it doesn't take much before pain sets in, so walking and dancing are things I've had great difficulty with.  I'm not teaching spin anymore- just subbing from time to time- so I was at least getting that one time per week.

Our first pool day on vacation, I was going over some of the pictures taken and asked for a few of me to be deleted or seriously cropped- not flattering at all.  And there have been a few conversations with my bestie that she has initiated about my weight gain and although I know she means well, she seems to have all the answers and I returned back to our room tonight feeling like I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  I still feel like crying.   I thought I looked pretty good tonight in one of my sundresses and then she had suggestions of how to make it more flattering- which of course is basically saying it didn't look good the way I was wearing it.    I know that I responded on the defensive, be it right or wrong - but I just couldn't wait to get out of there.   I know what I need to do, I know what worked for me in the past, I just have to do it and try to find some exercise that I can do to help burn the calories.  I'm certainly not happy looking the way I do, I have got to get back on the weight loss track when I return from vacation.  It just wasn't something that I needed to be reminded of while on vacation.  This is my chance to escape from life and try to leave all issues behind.