Overall life is pretty good.  I am blessed beyond belief with great family and friends.  I have two careers that complete me.  I have the love of the most wonderful man in the world.  But I can't help but sit here in Cabo and feel a bit on the unhappy side.  I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now.  I feel fat, I am fat, I don't look cute in my clothes, I don't look good in my bikini's at all and the cute belly button rings- well we won't even go there. 

I have always struggled with my weight, it is always a sore subject with me.  I battle over and over again and even when I was my skinniest and I knew that I looked good, there was still that fat girl in my head who couldn't always see the skinny, couldn't see the fit person that I was.  It's crazy the emotional scars that never, ever really leave us.  "Us" meaning "fat people".   I knew going into this Cabo vacation that I was not the weight I had hoped I would be.  Back in January in Hawaii, I felt pretty good- I had lost about 30 pounds and had plans to lose another 20 by the time Cabo rolled around- a good 6 months later.  Realistic goal.  But then life happened three days after returning from Hawaii and my life has been in disarray ever since.  I have not been taking care of me, not for a long time.   Over the course of the 6 months, I gained 20 instead of losing them.

I'm not one to make excuses and I'm not one to be whiner, but I am very frustrated because I am an active  person.   However, my cardio has been seriously lacking and I feel a bit helpless because of my injuries.  My foot is a big issue and it doesn't take much before pain sets in, so walking and dancing are things I've had great difficulty with.  I'm not teaching spin anymore- just subbing from time to time- so I was at least getting that one time per week.

Our first pool day on vacation, I was going over some of the pictures taken and asked for a few of me to be deleted or seriously cropped- not flattering at all.  And there have been a few conversations with my bestie that she has initiated about my weight gain and although I know she means well, she seems to have all the answers and I returned back to our room tonight feeling like I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  I still feel like crying.   I thought I looked pretty good tonight in one of my sundresses and then she had suggestions of how to make it more flattering- which of course is basically saying it didn't look good the way I was wearing it.    I know that I responded on the defensive, be it right or wrong - but I just couldn't wait to get out of there.   I know what I need to do, I know what worked for me in the past, I just have to do it and try to find some exercise that I can do to help burn the calories.  I'm certainly not happy looking the way I do, I have got to get back on the weight loss track when I return from vacation.  It just wasn't something that I needed to be reminded of while on vacation.  This is my chance to escape from life and try to leave all issues behind.