February 10th and already there has been a lot of heartache for myself and several friends of mine. Some may only be friends in the name of "Facebook", but I think if you've maintained a connection for a few years over the social media and have some one on one conversations or "chats"- then you are friends on some level.
I remember finishing up our New Years Cruise at the beginning of the year and one of my friend's had posted on Facebook that she just had a feeling that 2014 was going to bring a lot of heartbreak. I read that post and was not in a place to really reply to it, but the thought did sink into me and struck a chord. Of course, 10 days later my mom passed away and she & I had a conversation about that post and I shared that when I read it, I had that sinking feeling myself. Not sure why, but perhaps it's that feeling that at any time life can change. People who are special to you could be here today and gone tomorrow. I think a lot of that comes from being with my mom these last few years through all of her medical ups and downs on her late roller coaster of life. But it did stick with me.
Well, 2014 has been a year of heartbreak for too many people already. At this point, we have Barbara (Jan 5), Myself (Jan 12), Stacy (Feb 2) all having lost our moms- two at the age of 67 and one at the age of 84. All touched by Cancer. We have Diane (Jan 14ish), Tiina (Jan 31st) and Suzy (today) having lost dads..I'm not sure of all the ages here, but at least one touched by Cancer, another a stroke and not sure about the third. Then we have Linda/Jennie (Feb 9th) who lost their sister/cousin at the age of 50 to F'N Cancer! So much loss, it's really quite horrible.
I can only think and feel that God must really be in need of more angels to help Him out. There is no doubt that death is a good thing for the dearly departed, it is only hard on those of us who are left behind. But with faith, we are able to move on with our lives and with faith know that this is all part of a greater plan, one that we have absolutely no control over. For a control freak, this can be tough. It's hard to swallow, it's something you want to change and make different- but you just can't. But everything does happen for a reason- that I am very sure.
I will say that grieving sure has come a long way in 24 years- when I last lost someone dear to me, my dad. We now have so many more ways to connect to people, ways from where we can gain support, ways where we can reach out and talk to others- in person or even virtually via "chat" avenues.
This past weekend we met Tiina for dinner for her birthday before going dancing- it was just the three of us and it was perfect- it had been two months since seeing her and of course since the last time we saw each other, we have both now lost a parent. Over dinner as we were getting closer to going dancing, we realized that we were both in the same spot - we were both going to be coming face to face with many friends who knew of our loss and who were ready to give us hugs and want to share their support- which always leads to teary eyes, but we were bonded and in this together. It's amazing the love and support we both received from our dance monster friends. It was a very perfect night returning to the Saddle Rack after a long absence.
Barbara and I have shared numerous conversations and due to my premonition before my mom passed about the two of us sitting someplace tropical chatting about our moms and about cancer sucking- I think we really do need to take a mini-vacation together. In fact, it may be really cool to include others from this list- the list of "Pam's friends who have lost a loved one in the first 40 days of 2014". Sigh. Although the trip has not been planned yet, I do think there is a pre-game date lurking on April 8th at AT&T park with another friend from the gym.
Stacy is a travel colleague- we have never met face to face. I have admired her success, have taken tips that she has shared in a travel magazine column, she has reached out to me to join forces with her and I have reached out to her for her expertise at times. We had a lovely chat this past weekend about our moms, ourselves, our relationships with our moms and who we are today. Come to find out, we are both travel pros in our 40's, both child-less, both have two nephews, both have lost both parents, both have a connection to Rochester NY- and it is Facebook that really brought us together and made us a part of each other's virtual lives.
Anyway, I don't have all the answers- but I do take comfort in my newfound friendships. There is a commonality that brings us together, that helps us help each other along this process of grieving. I do have wonderful family and great friends...but quite honestly when something like the loss of a parent happens- most people do not know what to do for you or how to support you unless they have been here themselves. Some keep their distance because they just don't know what to do. Some are afraid to ask "how are you doing?" because they aren't sure if they should ask...and it's all OK- that is what makes us all so different, makes us individuals. Emotions are funny things- there are no wrong or right ones- we just have to own our feelings and know that they are ours and that they are OK.
Today, I miss my mom -but now that we have hit the 4 week point and nearing in one the one month mark- I am more concerned for my friend's who have experienced loss more recently than I and hope that I can help them in any way. I think that is part of my mom's legacy that I have inherited- she was always concerned about others and wanted to help others in any way that she could. What an amazing person to replicate.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Friday, February 07, 2014
Hello February
January sure flew by- gee whiz! I really don't know where all the time goes, but it sure does go quickly! This month I think more than any other, really went by super fast and I suppose that is much to do with everything that had to get done. We were extremely busy with getting mom's apartment emptied by the end of the month. Certainly did not want to pay any additional rent to Woodside Terrace.
It took five visits to get everything packed up- several trips to donate to Good Will and Pick of the Litter. An incredible amount of clothing, nick knacks, pictures...it's sad to see all of ones favorite possessions be reduced to that, but what can you do? You can't take it all home. My sister and I did pretty good I think. She has taken mom's bedroom set and sold her previous set which was our grandmother's that she's used for 30 years. I took the bedding for mom's bed - it was fairly new and replaces the Laura Ashley comforter set that moved in with Bill 10 years ago, which was his previous marriage comforter set- it was time to be rid of that. I have a few of mom's teddy bears on my mantle, a few of her butterfly magnets to go on my fridge. There are a few things here and there that we both picked up in memory of mom. What we also did was pack up and ship something special to our cousins & Aunts so that they had something special from our mom. That has been so well received.
It amazed me at how things work. We sent my cousin Jamie a ceramic white butterfly, not knowing that ever since her father-in-law passed away a year ago that they have seen an abundant amount of white butterflies and always feel as though those butterflies are "dad"- Jamie was so surprised by our gift and that it was a white butterfly. We sent my cousin Beth a ferris wheel music box with teddy bears on the ferris wheel for her granddaughter's room. The music box has played on its own a couple of times ~ I think my mom has been visiting CT.! It felt good to send a few special people something special of mom's.
We were lucky enough to sell most of her furniture- although there are still a few small pieces & a few lamps sitting in my living room right now. Soon my house will return to normal, I just know it will- it has to before I go cray cray crazy!
While cleaning out her apartment, we had visits from several of her neighbors- so many people just in shock that mom was gone. I got the impression that she was popular at Woodside Terrace, she was someone that people all liked and weeks later I was told that they are still talking about her and miss her. That's pretty cool to know that she really did make lasting impressions with people. I gave her Skeleton decoration to her neighbor Frances and gave her neighbor Maryann a plant stand and plant - she in return promised to care for the plant in mom's honor. I told her the truth- I kill plants!
Closure is the name of the game right now. We emptied her apartment last week, tomorrow we have the internment ceremony at the cemetery. I'm not too sure how I feel about this, I'm not a cemetery person- never have been, never will be. I do not need to go to the cemetery to visit my dearly departed parents. I think in 24 years, I've probably gone to see my dad's gravesite a handful of times. Cemeteries are depressing places. I'd much rather remember my loved ones everyday in the course of my daily life. But we need to do something as we bury her ashes alongside my dads. So Pastor Draeger will be coming with us and officiating this ceremony.
Next Friday- more closure- our family, childhood home closes escrow and a new family- The McCord's will be calling 1032 Goettingen Street "home" and making their own family memories. While I am so happy a good family will be moving into our home, it's still very bittersweet. You always think you have a home you can go back to, or parents you can always go visit. Not anymore.
I am looking forward to March 9th, we will be having a Celebration of Life and it's going to be awesome. A time to honor my mom in front of friends and family and really celebrate the life that she lived, the fights that she fought and the love that she shared with everyone she met. Although, it will be our "last" official mom thing - I'm not worried. She is with me every single day, I feel her near me, I hear her talk to me -I can't even really explain it- but she is here. All the time.
Here we go into February....hopefully a month of catching up on work, getting estate stuff in order and ending with a fabulous Line Dance cruise to the Caribbean. I am looking forward to 7 days of dancing!
It took five visits to get everything packed up- several trips to donate to Good Will and Pick of the Litter. An incredible amount of clothing, nick knacks, pictures...it's sad to see all of ones favorite possessions be reduced to that, but what can you do? You can't take it all home. My sister and I did pretty good I think. She has taken mom's bedroom set and sold her previous set which was our grandmother's that she's used for 30 years. I took the bedding for mom's bed - it was fairly new and replaces the Laura Ashley comforter set that moved in with Bill 10 years ago, which was his previous marriage comforter set- it was time to be rid of that. I have a few of mom's teddy bears on my mantle, a few of her butterfly magnets to go on my fridge. There are a few things here and there that we both picked up in memory of mom. What we also did was pack up and ship something special to our cousins & Aunts so that they had something special from our mom. That has been so well received.
It amazed me at how things work. We sent my cousin Jamie a ceramic white butterfly, not knowing that ever since her father-in-law passed away a year ago that they have seen an abundant amount of white butterflies and always feel as though those butterflies are "dad"- Jamie was so surprised by our gift and that it was a white butterfly. We sent my cousin Beth a ferris wheel music box with teddy bears on the ferris wheel for her granddaughter's room. The music box has played on its own a couple of times ~ I think my mom has been visiting CT.! It felt good to send a few special people something special of mom's.
We were lucky enough to sell most of her furniture- although there are still a few small pieces & a few lamps sitting in my living room right now. Soon my house will return to normal, I just know it will- it has to before I go cray cray crazy!
While cleaning out her apartment, we had visits from several of her neighbors- so many people just in shock that mom was gone. I got the impression that she was popular at Woodside Terrace, she was someone that people all liked and weeks later I was told that they are still talking about her and miss her. That's pretty cool to know that she really did make lasting impressions with people. I gave her Skeleton decoration to her neighbor Frances and gave her neighbor Maryann a plant stand and plant - she in return promised to care for the plant in mom's honor. I told her the truth- I kill plants!
Closure is the name of the game right now. We emptied her apartment last week, tomorrow we have the internment ceremony at the cemetery. I'm not too sure how I feel about this, I'm not a cemetery person- never have been, never will be. I do not need to go to the cemetery to visit my dearly departed parents. I think in 24 years, I've probably gone to see my dad's gravesite a handful of times. Cemeteries are depressing places. I'd much rather remember my loved ones everyday in the course of my daily life. But we need to do something as we bury her ashes alongside my dads. So Pastor Draeger will be coming with us and officiating this ceremony.
Next Friday- more closure- our family, childhood home closes escrow and a new family- The McCord's will be calling 1032 Goettingen Street "home" and making their own family memories. While I am so happy a good family will be moving into our home, it's still very bittersweet. You always think you have a home you can go back to, or parents you can always go visit. Not anymore.
I am looking forward to March 9th, we will be having a Celebration of Life and it's going to be awesome. A time to honor my mom in front of friends and family and really celebrate the life that she lived, the fights that she fought and the love that she shared with everyone she met. Although, it will be our "last" official mom thing - I'm not worried. She is with me every single day, I feel her near me, I hear her talk to me -I can't even really explain it- but she is here. All the time.
Here we go into February....hopefully a month of catching up on work, getting estate stuff in order and ending with a fabulous Line Dance cruise to the Caribbean. I am looking forward to 7 days of dancing!
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