Today was such a trying day. My day for all intensive purposes started around 2am when Bill woke up and woke me to say he thought he heard my mom. Well, I checked and she was sleeping. About an hour later I heard her calling me and she needed my help. I tried to go back to sleep afterwards, but with Bill getting up an hour later, I was doomed- after he left for work I was still wide awake and really didn't get back into solid sleep the rest of the morning. I got up around 8am to check in on mom and she needed help again, she apparently needed me earlier, but didn't call me and didn't want to wake me up. I was so upset about that, had to remind her that it's not ok for her to sit and wait for help and that I will come when she calls. I think all that time in skilled nursing when people would take 10-20 minutes to come when she called has programmed her to not ask for help in the middle of the night.
By 8am, I was a wreck and had slept very little. I was trying to figure out what I need. Why is this time so hard and the main thing that is different is the bowel issues. The Dr. had the visiting nurse get a sample so we can figure out what is wrong. We should know on Monday and hopefully the C-diff has not returned. Today we had the visit from the home nurse and social worker. Both appointments went well and they were happy with everything. So my fear of "failing my mother" was unfounded. I think aside from the initial incident, I was then faced with the reality that until my mother's bowels improved, I will have to be with her or make sure one of my siblings will be here with her,..just in case the potty issues arise. Can't expect Bill to take care of that- AWKWARD!
I have decided to cancel the girls Napa trip next weekend. I don't want to, but it was proving to be a difficult task to get family to cover. My sister has plans with our cousin for manis/pedis and a movie and really didn't want to change her plans. Oh well, another weekend home to accomplish things- it'll do me good. I will miss the gal pal time and so many of my favorite gals are going. Oh well, family first. That has always been my motto.
So the rest of the day went relatively well. I didn't get much work done but that was mainly in part due to time with the Nurse, Social worker and several phone calls that needed to be made. The O2 company didn't deliver an oxygen mask like they were supposed to, we now have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to receive that (such bullshit)- her seated O2 levels were quite a bit lower than they should be- she is not a good breath through your nose type of gal.
So this morning I was thinking that I could not handle this and felt like I was failing my mother. I also told her I wasn't sure that I was able to provide the care needed and/or that my house was the best choice for her mending. She didn't seem to agree and thought I was doing an outstanding job. She said that I had done more to care for her than the hospital ever did. She also told the Social Worker that I wasn't just her daughter, we were the best of friends too. Yesterday, she was almost in tears and was saying "you aren't going to be my friend anymore after this". How heart breaking is that? I told her "Umm once you wipe each other's butts, you are friends for life!" We both laughed. Role reversal completely! I was having a rough go this morning and I think lack of sleep had a large part in it. It has been very emotionally draining these past couple of days and getting her transitioned....I am allowed to have moments of freaking out. Sigh. PMSing doesn't help the situation either!
So I just need to make sure I have cover when I need it. Coverage that can handle a dirty depends if needed. I am hoping my brother can "sit" over here on Tuesday and Thursday evenings while I teach & maybe Monday mornings. Then if I can get my sister here on SAturdays to do the same, that would be ideal. Once this bowel problem is fixed- things should get much easier. Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy start next week.
I think my mom is starting to realize going home may not be an option, but she stands true that she wants to get better so she can go home and wait to die. But when questioned today she did tell the Social Worker that she could see herself living at Woodside Terrace. If she is still here when Bill & I have to go on our cruise, I think I am going to advocate that she do a weekly stay at Woodside TErrace to take the place for a Test Drive and who knows. She told the Social Worker today that she can't just move there, she has a house to sell, etc.
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