How Many Punches Can We Take?

A lot has transpired since my last post.  Last Friday was a tough night with mom, so tough that by morning she was having such a difficult time breathing that we had to call 911.  She ended up being admitted into Sequoia Hospital (thankfully) and was diagnosed with C-diff (AGAIN, not sure she was ever really cured of it at CPMC) and Congestive Heart Failure.  Seems that it is just one thing leading to another- yet as hard as this is, I still have faith that she will get through this and still lead a good quality of life.  It's tough for her and Bill pointed out something very valid, I think.  For 81 years of her life, she has been very healthy, despite the abuse she has inflicted upon her body with smoking and drinking.  To think that since I was born, she had not been to the hospital until 2001 for Gall Bladder surgery and then not again until last year with the Ulcer incident and now this year with the leg and all subsequent issues.

Now that she has this Congestive Hearth Failure diagnosis- I really am beginning to question if this should have been caught a long time ago.  I mean, she has had swelling in her legs for a long time- so was that a circulation problem or a Congestive Heart Failure issue?  Guess we'll never know.   What I find is very interesting is that her hearing improved 100% after being one day at Sequoia- seems the fluid draining medicine helped to clear up her head- so she had to have had water in her nasal passages (ear, nose, throat) that was making her nearly deaf!  Of course, at skilled nursing nobody would take the time to investigate a "new problem"- I think they deal with so many old, decrepit people that all old people must be hard of hearing and incontinent. It's pretty sad and pathetic.

Bill & I had a very low-key rest of the weekend- with lots of sleep and snuggle time.  It was just what the Doctor ordered!  I also came to the quick realization that I am not equipped to take care of my mother.  It's just too draining and time consuming, as much as I want to be able to- I know better, it would not be good for either of us.   We have been getting mom accustomed to the idea that it may be time to make a transition.  She has agreed to go into Woodside Terrace for the Respite Care stay and she is also seeming to be accepting of moving into her own apartment there with some assistance.   It will be a relief to have her there and have her close to me as well.   But this means that it will be very busy downsizing her house, getting it ready to sell and selling anything she doesn't want to keep- including her car.   It is sad to see her have to give up the home she's had for 59 years, the house we all grew up in- the one and only family home we have had.  A lot of memories in that house.  I think when we all moved out, we left but always knew we could go back and visit.  This will close that book completely.  

This week has been unproductive and overall I'm really not sure why.  I am not killing hours driving back and forth to SF, mom is close now so I can visit longer and it only takes 10 minutes to/from.  I have been having a tough time getting and staying focused.  I have been overwhelmed with phone calls to keep people "in the loop" on mom's condition.  Just don't know.  

I've also had to deal with some other family drama and try to help out where I can.  I just really don't understand people who make it their mission in life to make others "pay", to make others suffer, to be so vindictive.  I know someone like this who had made it their personal mission to destroy someone close to me and I just keep praying and hoping for the right resolution and yes for karma to come knocking on her door.  I keep trying to remember a saying about people who are always "pointing the finger" and blaming others for their pathetic life, you have to remember that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at yourself.  So who is really to blame for your pathetic life?  We are in control of our destinies and while we can't control what happens to us, we can control how we react to it.  We also have to trust that good will come from good and evil will ultimately be punished in the end.

So I guess that is one reason why I am so tired.   I am running out of steam and I really need to turn things around and get productive.  Even though I could actually go to the gal pal weekend in Napa now- I have so much to get done in a short period of time (taxes, learn BP81 completely & practice, work catch up) that I just can't justify going away right now.  I had thought that I would go up later in the day for dinner and slumber party, but even now the thought exhausts me...especially when Bill's friend Joe has offered to come over and cook us dinner here - a night at home without having to cook, I'm in! LOL  It's been awhile since we've seen Joe too, so will be good to catch up.  I'll make the next gal pal get together for sure!

I saw this poster on facebook earlier and it really resonated with me.  I sent it to my brother and I hope he gains some strength and optimism from it.  He needs just a bit more fight.  I am thankful for my support system though- so many wonderful friends who have been right there to help me sort through this and to offer prayers and positive vibes.