Our American Idol Adventure...

Yesterday was a fun day!  Kelly had asked me earlier in the week if I'd like to join her to LA for the day to be part of the studio audience for the American Idol results show.   I thought about it, checked mileage points and said "what the heck - I deserve a day of hooky fun!"   Now, I have always read of Kelly's adventures on Facebook and things just seem to happen to her all the time, yesterday I got to experience this first hand.  It was a pretty adventurous day.

We had debated between the 8am flight or the 1045am flight and I was still a bit uncertain that the later flight would give us enough time, so even though neither of us were fans of the early morning option, we bit the dust and booked that flight.  This meant up at 530am and at the airport by 7am.   Although we were both in middle seats, I lucked out that my Virgin America sales rep was able to move me to an aisle seat and then at the airport Kelly asked if she could sit next to me and was able to get that middle seat.  Our flight was delayed for an hour.  No problem, we knew we had plenty of time (or so we thought).   We arrive into LAX, get to the Hertz office to pick up the car.  Kelly is a Gold member, so we see her name on the board with parking slot #325.  YAY- we have a Mercedes SUV- very nice, so nice that we were afraid that we made a mistake on the slot number.  Reconfirmed it was the right place and we go to drive out of the lot and then find out that Kelly's Gold account had a different credit card on file vs. the one she had with her, so we had to go back to the office to validate the new credit card.  Should be easy enough.  Well no, with the credit card change- this means that her Gold account has to be re-activated, meaning she would not currently be a Gold member, bye-bye upgrade and nice Mercedes SUV.  They take us to our "new" car...a Nissan Hybrid, after sitting there about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start the darn thing, someone finally helped us out.  I'd say the car fiasco cost us another 30 minutes.  But no worries, we are here EARLY!

It took about 30 minutes to drive to the CBS Studios, we saw a small line outside of the gates and proceeded to the garage to park, leisurely walked to the line, making a stop at the corner store to get lunch and use the facilities.  My burrito took an unreasonable time to be made, while we waited and waited some more.  All in all- probably another 30 minutes.  Finally, we arrive to our spot in line- YAY.  We rented chairs for $5 to be comfortable (great entrepreneur on-site to make a few extra bucks!) and had our lunch.  In discussing with others in line, come to find out these sisters in front of us had not made it into the studio the day before and they had only accepted about 50 people- we were now starting to worry a bit.  The line grew over the next couple of hours.

Finally, around 330pm as they had already taken some people into the studio, they do "the final count" and cut off the line just in front of the 3 people that were ahead of us.  Our hearts sank!  Kelly went and asked the guy if there were any considerations given to people who flew down, etc. and he said he'd see what he could do- well then they decided to cut off the line right after Kelly & I.  Whew!  This still did not guarantee us ANYTHING- except if we didn't get into the studio we would be given confirmed VIP passes to come to another show!   We were then in the holding zone as they started to put in groups of people to fill in seats.  We were down to 9 of us, they took a party of 4, then they had 2 seats and saw that there was a party of 3 and party of 2 (us) and took the party of 3..we waiting and literally could start to hear the intro music at 5pm..and they called us to come.  Turns out when they saw the party of 3 included 2 teenage gals- they put the girls in the mosh pit, their mom in a solo seat and then the other two seats went to us.  It was amazing to be there and to see how the show operates!   It would have been such a bummer had we not made it!   I was very happy to see Heejun eliminated, he has never been a favorite of mine.

Once the show was over, we got back to the car, ran into the 3 people that we had waited in line with all day and the girls were so excited that they had gotten into the mosh pit and got to high five the contestants and guest singers.  So it all worked out!

We drove back to the airport, returned the car, get on the shuttle back to the airport and we missed our stop (couldn't hear the darn guy on the microphone)- so we were dropped off on his "arrival" pickups, headed through security and to our gate.  Decided we could have a quick dinner and in our haste, Kelly left her credit card and earrings on the table  - she noticed the credit card once we were in-flight and the earrings once she got home.

Like I said, I have always read about Kelly's adventures and things that always seem to happen to her, now I have witnessed it first hand.  It was a pretty great day- we had fun!

We spent a good portion of the day in line with Phillip Phillips parents and talking with them- they were hoping to get into the show as they had given their 4 confirmed seats to their daughter/son-in law and two grand kids who came out over spring break.  Super nice people, it's nice to see this sort of success & fame happen to such a nice family.

It was a long day, but a fun day and I am so thrilled that it is Friday!  But it will be a busy weekend!

A Pretty Good Day...

I woke up this morning still incredibly tired, but determined to make it a good and productive day.  I was focused on work.  I was able to get documents mailed out to several clients, I worked on several trip quotes and got information to clients.  I made phone calls to the Cardiologist, the Hospital Case Worker, the Hospitalist, the Director at Woodside Terrace- lots of information and lots of good news.

It looks like mom will be discharged tomorrow.  The C-diff test they took yesterday came back negative, which means she is clear of the nasty infection- now we just need the urgency to go potty to return back to "normal".  The Doctors gave me the scoop on mom's heart condition and stated that she probably had a heart attack at some point, it shows on the ultrasound, but not on the EKG.   They don't think she'll need the Oxygen therapy for much longer, which is GREAT news!   All in all, things seem to be manageable and it's just amazing what a difference a hospital can make.  It seems that Sequoia has a different mission statement than CPMC.  We never felt this good or comfortable with even the first hospital where she had surgery - yes there were good staff members, but overall- it was hard to get answers, it was hard to get in touch with anyone.  These Docs are giving me direct phone numbers and are ready to answer any and all questions.  Just a totally different feeling.

Ashley & Nurse Grace from Woodside Terrace visited mom today and did their assessment to make sure that they will be able to handle her needs.  All is good on that front.  My mother expressed her anxiousness to get out of the hospital and really wants to get her hair and nails done!    I made her an appointment for the salon at WT for Saturday- she will feel like a brand new woman!   She is very sad about leaving her house and still questions why she is still alive.  She is concerned about money, but I keep reassuring her that it will be alright.  She is very nervous that she will have an accident and be embarrassed and I have to admit that worries me as well.  I don't want her to go through that and I am hoping that she won't be forever incontinent.  I mean it stands to reason if you've been bedridden and your butt can't handle the bedpan anymore that you just have to go in your diaper, I'd think that your insides would start to expect to go that way.

On the brother front today- he was supposed to have a few people come by to see the house, but they didn't show up.  There are two people scheduled to come by tomorrow.  Seems the lower list price is attracting people and hopefully it will mean people ready to buy and to bid and bid high.  The current bidder just increased his price to the list price.  This is good because hopefully anyone coming in now and through the weekend, if they are interested will be told that there is a bid for asking price and if they are interested they will have to bid higher.  Only serious offers need be submitted.  I am praying so hard that he gets a good bid out of this.  He needs it so badly.  We all need it badly.  Things have got to start turning around for him and we don't have that sort of time to waste.

TGIF!!  Going to be a busy weekend and I've got many things to get accomplished.  Of course, visiting mom will be a priority so that she's comfortable in her new place.

How Many Punches Can We Take?

A lot has transpired since my last post.  Last Friday was a tough night with mom, so tough that by morning she was having such a difficult time breathing that we had to call 911.  She ended up being admitted into Sequoia Hospital (thankfully) and was diagnosed with C-diff (AGAIN, not sure she was ever really cured of it at CPMC) and Congestive Heart Failure.  Seems that it is just one thing leading to another- yet as hard as this is, I still have faith that she will get through this and still lead a good quality of life.  It's tough for her and Bill pointed out something very valid, I think.  For 81 years of her life, she has been very healthy, despite the abuse she has inflicted upon her body with smoking and drinking.  To think that since I was born, she had not been to the hospital until 2001 for Gall Bladder surgery and then not again until last year with the Ulcer incident and now this year with the leg and all subsequent issues.

Now that she has this Congestive Hearth Failure diagnosis- I really am beginning to question if this should have been caught a long time ago.  I mean, she has had swelling in her legs for a long time- so was that a circulation problem or a Congestive Heart Failure issue?  Guess we'll never know.   What I find is very interesting is that her hearing improved 100% after being one day at Sequoia- seems the fluid draining medicine helped to clear up her head- so she had to have had water in her nasal passages (ear, nose, throat) that was making her nearly deaf!  Of course, at skilled nursing nobody would take the time to investigate a "new problem"- I think they deal with so many old, decrepit people that all old people must be hard of hearing and incontinent. It's pretty sad and pathetic.

Bill & I had a very low-key rest of the weekend- with lots of sleep and snuggle time.  It was just what the Doctor ordered!  I also came to the quick realization that I am not equipped to take care of my mother.  It's just too draining and time consuming, as much as I want to be able to- I know better, it would not be good for either of us.   We have been getting mom accustomed to the idea that it may be time to make a transition.  She has agreed to go into Woodside Terrace for the Respite Care stay and she is also seeming to be accepting of moving into her own apartment there with some assistance.   It will be a relief to have her there and have her close to me as well.   But this means that it will be very busy downsizing her house, getting it ready to sell and selling anything she doesn't want to keep- including her car.   It is sad to see her have to give up the home she's had for 59 years, the house we all grew up in- the one and only family home we have had.  A lot of memories in that house.  I think when we all moved out, we left but always knew we could go back and visit.  This will close that book completely.  

This week has been unproductive and overall I'm really not sure why.  I am not killing hours driving back and forth to SF, mom is close now so I can visit longer and it only takes 10 minutes to/from.  I have been having a tough time getting and staying focused.  I have been overwhelmed with phone calls to keep people "in the loop" on mom's condition.  Just don't know.  

I've also had to deal with some other family drama and try to help out where I can.  I just really don't understand people who make it their mission in life to make others "pay", to make others suffer, to be so vindictive.  I know someone like this who had made it their personal mission to destroy someone close to me and I just keep praying and hoping for the right resolution and yes for karma to come knocking on her door.  I keep trying to remember a saying about people who are always "pointing the finger" and blaming others for their pathetic life, you have to remember that the rest of your fingers are pointing right back at yourself.  So who is really to blame for your pathetic life?  We are in control of our destinies and while we can't control what happens to us, we can control how we react to it.  We also have to trust that good will come from good and evil will ultimately be punished in the end.

So I guess that is one reason why I am so tired.   I am running out of steam and I really need to turn things around and get productive.  Even though I could actually go to the gal pal weekend in Napa now- I have so much to get done in a short period of time (taxes, learn BP81 completely & practice, work catch up) that I just can't justify going away right now.  I had thought that I would go up later in the day for dinner and slumber party, but even now the thought exhausts me...especially when Bill's friend Joe has offered to come over and cook us dinner here - a night at home without having to cook, I'm in! LOL  It's been awhile since we've seen Joe too, so will be good to catch up.  I'll make the next gal pal get together for sure!

I saw this poster on facebook earlier and it really resonated with me.  I sent it to my brother and I hope he gains some strength and optimism from it.  He needs just a bit more fight.  I am thankful for my support system though- so many wonderful friends who have been right there to help me sort through this and to offer prayers and positive vibes.

The highs & lows of parent-care..

Today was such a trying day.  My day for all intensive purposes started around 2am when Bill woke up and woke me to say he thought he heard my mom.  Well, I checked and she was sleeping.  About an hour later I heard her calling me and she needed my  help.      I tried to go back to sleep afterwards, but with Bill getting up an hour later, I was doomed- after he left for work I was still wide awake and really didn't get back into solid sleep the rest of the morning.   I got up around 8am to check in on mom and she needed help again, she apparently needed me earlier, but didn't call me and didn't want to wake me up.  I was so upset about that, had to remind her that it's not ok for her to sit and wait for help and that I will come when she calls.   I think all that time in skilled nursing when people would take 10-20 minutes to come when she called has programmed her to not ask for help in the middle of the night.

By 8am, I was a wreck and had slept very little.  I was trying to figure out what I need.  Why is this time so hard and the main thing that is different is the bowel issues.  The Dr. had the visiting nurse get a sample so we can figure out what is wrong.  We should know on Monday and hopefully the C-diff has not returned.  Today we had the visit from the home nurse and social worker.  Both appointments went well and they were happy with everything.  So my fear of "failing my mother" was unfounded.  I think aside from the initial incident, I was then faced with the reality that until my mother's bowels improved, I will have to be with her or make sure one of my siblings will be here with her,..just in case the potty issues arise.  Can't expect Bill to take care of that- AWKWARD!

I have decided to cancel the girls Napa trip next weekend.  I don't want to, but it was proving to be a difficult task to get family to cover.  My sister has plans with our cousin for manis/pedis and a movie and really didn't want to change her plans.  Oh well, another weekend home to accomplish things- it'll do me good.  I will miss the gal pal time and so many of my favorite gals are going.  Oh well, family first.  That has always been my motto.

So the rest of the day went relatively well.  I didn't get much work done but that was mainly in part due to time with the Nurse, Social worker and several phone calls that needed to be made.   The O2 company didn't deliver an oxygen mask like they were supposed to, we now have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to receive that (such bullshit)- her seated O2 levels were quite a bit lower than they should be- she is not a good breath through your nose type of gal.

So this morning I was thinking that I could not handle this and felt like I was failing my mother.  I also told her I wasn't sure that I was able to provide the care needed and/or that my house was the best choice for her mending.  She didn't seem to agree and thought I was doing an outstanding job.   She said that I had done more to care for her than the hospital ever did.  She also told the Social Worker that I wasn't just her daughter, we were the best of friends too.  Yesterday,  she was almost in tears and was saying "you aren't going to be my friend anymore after this".  How heart breaking is that?   I told her "Umm once you wipe each other's butts, you are friends for life!"  We both laughed.  Role reversal completely!  I was having a rough go this morning and I think lack of sleep had a large part in it.   It has been very emotionally draining these past couple of days and getting her transitioned....I am allowed to have moments of freaking out.   Sigh.   PMSing doesn't help the situation either!

So I just need to make sure I have cover when I need it. Coverage that can handle a dirty depends if needed.  I am hoping my brother can "sit" over here on Tuesday and Thursday evenings while I teach & maybe Monday mornings.  Then if I can get my sister here on SAturdays to do the same, that would be ideal.  Once this bowel problem is fixed- things should get much easier.  Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy start next week.

I think my mom is starting to realize going home may not be an option, but she stands true that she wants to get better so she can go home and wait to die.  But when questioned today she did tell the Social Worker that she could see herself living at Woodside Terrace.   If she is still here when Bill & I have to go on our cruise, I think I am going to advocate that she do a weekly stay at Woodside TErrace to take the place for a Test Drive and who knows.  She told the Social Worker today that she can't just move there, she has a house to sell, etc.

A few friends today posted to me that I am stronger than I think I am...and I am going to keep that thought in my head.  Also, the song "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" had been resonating big time with me this week.  It's 10pm on a Friday night, Bill is out like a light and I've been fighting to keep my head on my shoulders - so I think it's time to hit the hay!

Day One - Guest Mom @ Casa Horst

Today was a marathon day, up early after about 4.5 hours of sleep and tried to do a few work things before heading out to my manicure/pedicure appointment- my only "me" time today other than right now.  But, no the phone kept ringing with various "mom" people to arrange deliver of the O2, to discuss other care options, etc etc.  At times, I wonder if people are trying to be helpful or if it's all business.  Anyway, directly to CVS to stock up on Depends and Bed pads, gloves and wipes.  Realized that this put me in the perfect spot to pick up lunch, so called my BFF to call in my sandwich order to her Little Lucca shop down the street, picked up the sandwich (thanks Diane) and headed up to SF.  I was about 5 minutes late for the OT appointment, but it was fine.

Amy showed me what mom does to get up and out of bed, had her put on a pair of pants, had her walk to the bathroom -  of course mom did more steps without a break with me watching than she ever does in their presence (show off).  She did good..but was winded and tuckered out quickly.  I then ate my lunch while she rested and we waited for the PT session.  Can't remember the gals name, it was a different gal than the one I've met before, but we got mom to walk out of her room to the wheelchair and then we went to the PT center where she could do stairs and I could train on how to best assist her with stairs.  I think it was at that instance that I realized just what a challenge this was all going to be- or at least I realized that it was going to be more complicated than I had initially expected. After we were done, back to her room and I packed up her stuff and headed homeward.  Decided to see the chiropractor to get my adjustment since my free time is going to be limited.  Walgreens to pick up her prescriptions and then Safeway to grocery shop.   Got home, had to upack the car, get the bed ready since my brother had come over while I was gone to add a plywood base under the mattress (we removed the box springs to make the bed lower but needed support)....I had just barely finished when the Ambulance pulled up with mom around 6pm.

Fail- the O2 delivery company had now shown up yet- but while calling about it, they arrived in the knick of time.  The EMT's get mom in the house, she sits down and realizes that she has to go potty.  The urgency tells me it's not #1.  Turns out she had been holding it for about half the drive from SF hoping and praying, but by the time she got here, she thought the urge had subsided.  She was so humiliated and the EMT's were wonderful- laying down a path of pads, sheets to the bathroom so she wouldn't drip while walking to the toilet and good thing is all I'll say.   I ended up having to clean her up, get a nightgown on- not realizing that she still had an area that needed cleaning- so now the new nightgown was dirty- had to toss it all in the wash again and find a new nightgown of mine for her to use.   Finally got her dressed, cleaned up and then to get her up and off the toilet because the one thing I had not prepped was the assisted toilet seat, so no handles.  I had to help lift her up.  She had dinner and a small glass of wine...then around 9pm Bill & I took her upstairs- one step at a time with a chair to rest at the landing half way point.

"I'm so afraid that you won't be my friend anymore after this."   This is what my mom said to me once she got settled at the dining table after the "ordeal" with the toilet.   Still brings tears to my eyes.  I told her that once you clean your friends butt, you're pretty much friends for life- she giggled and we both tearfully laughed together.   She then went on to reminisce about how we have always had such good times together and then she talks about how when I was a little girl as soon as I could walk, we'd go out every day and have our "outings" - usually on the MUNI to places like the Cliff House, Ocean Beach, the Zoo- just to get out. One of her favorite memories she tells is how I would just start to whistle on the bus and strangers would turn around and just smile at this 2-3 year old whistler.  :)

There was a good 5 minutes tonight that I was freaking out and wondering what endeavor I have just undertaken.  Can I handle this?  Have I bit off more than I can chew?   I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that after a brief "shout out" of my feelings on Facebook and I received an overwhelming reply of support from several friends.   I even had an offer from a Travel Colleague today who admits that she doesn't know my mom or vice versa, but she'd be happy to come sit with her to give me a break- virtually a total stranger willing to help out.  

Just finished talking to my brother before blogging, he had called to see how things were going and also to let me know if I need anything to let him know.  And bravo to me, I actually said, "why yes- I have a prescription that still needs picking up tomorrow at Walgreens" - so he happily will pick that up tomorrow for me.  Trying to be very good at not doing it all.   Setting up boundaries and I'm amazed at the lengths some people will go to modify their life plans to help me out.   It's all very humbling.

My one complaint at this point- the darn O2 condenser is very noisy!!  HOpefully, over time we won't even notice it- LOL

So the rest of the week?  Well, tomorrow I will focus on getting a lot of work done and making sure mom gets up and moves around.  I have Body Pump in the evening, which will be a very welcomed release.   Friday, home all day and home all night.  I'm actually ok with this...but will try to get out for a bit in the evening to attend a Jewelry party & Body Pump practice.  Saturday, Body Pump in the morning and will work on taxes, chill & relax.  Sunday- more of the same but massages!   I think I have done a pretty good job of not over-extending myself for the first few days  of mom's "visit"  Now for mom- hopefully, she will have a visit from 2 of 3 home care people- skilled nurse, PT or OT.  I should get the phone calls tomorrow.

Now, I'm off to bed!  Really, shooting for 7 hours sleep tonight so I can get up early to block group space on Princess for 2013 (opening day for 2013 sailings)!

Challenges ahead...what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger!

Well, it is official- tomorrow mom is going to be discharged from CPMC to the care of Bill & I.  She is not well enough to go home without 24/7 home care- which is ridiculously expensive and not covered by the insurance.   Today we had a meeting with the care providers to discuss her progress and get the prognosis of her future recovery and needs.  We met with the OT, PT, Case Manager, Social Worker and the Doctor/Hospitalist.   They each gave us their reports and what they recommend going forward.  Mom was there in the meeting, but was very groggy having just woken up from a nap.  She was also having trouble hearing and was starting to freak out about that.  She has never had trouble hearing and lately it has gotten very bad.  We are hoping that it's just a combination of her sinuses recovering from not smoking, the white noise of a hospital room and the new buzzing bed that has been in her room the last week or so for the new roommate- it's horrible and I can see how it would mess with one's ability to hear.

They have ordered and will make sure that we have what we need- potty chair, walker, oxygen, etc.  Unfortunately, mom's oxygen levels are still low when she's active, so she will need to remain on the O2 at least for awhile,  I hope to God that she can get off of it because she has already decided that she will not go out in public with the O2.  Her vanity can get the best of her and it's so discouraging to see that attitude.  But she has also been through a lot and the journey is not close to being over.    I am hoping that we are not taking on more than we can handle- but if it doesn't kill us it makes us stronger- right?    I am trying to be very good about keeping some level or normalcy to our lives,  We have a variety of plans that have been on the calendar prior to mom's hospitalization, so I have put word out to the family that we will need coverage and everyone is on board with doing what they can since Bill & I take on the bulk of the caregiving by default with her at our home.

Mom is very upset that she is "putting us through this" and that she has never wanted to be a burden and wishes that she were dead.  She keeps saying that she's had a great 82 years and that it's not worth living to be suffering or a burden to others.  That attitude of hers is almost worse than her physical condition, what sort of kids would we be if we didn't take care of her?  She has spent her entire life being selflessly giving to all of us, so it's our time to give back.

We had the choice to pick any day between now and Saturday to have her discharged, but since the home care people have 24- 48 hours to check in, and with the weekend coming, it really was in our best interest to have her come home tomorrow, so we can get some level of therapy by Friday.    I am exhausted right now and should be getting some work done- but just not focused or motivated...I keep thinking that I don't want to get old and who is going to take care of me when I'm 82 (God willing I'm still alive)?  I will have to take tomorrow off because after my nail appointment (quite possibly my last bit of "me" time without worrying about mom or having to make arrangements), I then have two appointments with the OT & PT respectively to go over and be "trained" in the needed caregiving.  I won't get home until 330pm and then mom should arrive by ambulance transport sometime between 5-6pm.  I will have dinner ready and then she will soon go to sleep after that.  I plan to have transport get her up the stairs and into bed since it is the evening time.  Thursday will be a long day getting used to the new routine...and I am sure that I will be more than ready to go teach my Body Pump class Thursday night to get a little down time.

I have decided to get a sub for my Friday Spin class for the next three weeks and see how things go.  It's the hardest time slot to get coverage here with family and I think there are other times where I need family more.   This weekend is minimal with plans...we of course won't go dancing Friday night and probably won't get to go dancing for a few weeks (sad)...we have massage appointments set for Sunday and I am already looking forward to that- my brother will "mom-sit" while we go.  Saturday will be a down day at home and I think I will make a corned beef since it is St. Patrick's day and my mom is "Patty"!

My brother and sister have both said that I need to still go to Napa with the gal pals next weekend, so we'll see if we can pull that off with coverage.  I don't want Bill to be 100% responsible on that Saturday, it's not fair- she is not his mother, although he sure does treat her like she is.  I'm lucky.  
Ok, I think I have sufficiently rambled...I had so many more thoughts earlier today, but now tired has interfered with my coherent thoughts!

The Health "Uncare" System...
 
So this afternoon I get a call from mom's case manager and they inform me that the PT & OT are done with mom as of Thursday & Friday this week and guess what, she is to be discharged FRIDAY!!  Really?  How can anyone think she is "ready" to go home?   Seems that my mom informed the case manager that she couldn't go home on Friday because I am out of town this weekend- which is true.  But so much remains to be figured out.  Nobody at the hospital has contacted us to discuss "options" and give us ideas of what the next step should be.   I gave the case manager a piece of my mind.  I feel bad for her because she is covering for the vacationing case manager- but really if you're going to call the family, you should know your case before going to discuss it over the phone.

She said that the "release orders" involve visits at home by a home nurse, physical therapist and occupational therapist to continue working with her at home and to change her wound bandages.   And they also advise that she will need 8+ hours of home care assistance.  To me this means she needs to stay in skilled nursing- really?  How do facilities operate like this?     I inquired for more specifics on what type of "assistance"- the reply I got, "shopping, cleaning, cooking, bathing, laundry, etc."- so I then said, "ok, so if she stays with me for awhile where I shop, cook, do laundry, etc." what assistance is needed then?  She sort of fumbles on the phone and then says "Supervision" and says that she really needs to speak to the therapists to see what they think.  After I expressed a huge concern that they were releasing her too early, she suggested that perhaps they set up a Family Care Conference with the Doctor, Therapists, Case Manager & Social Worker, which I said I'd love, something that should have happened a long time ago.  She is trying to schedule that for Monday or Tuesday of next week.  I asked her how that impacts mom's discharge date and she said that they would  not discharge her until there is a plan in place, but then she said she had to talk to the Medical Group to see if they would authorize the additional days.  I suggested that she sees if the PT may recant and say they need another week to work with her, basically I told her to "play the game" and "make it work".   In the meantime, she is going to have someone contact me to discuss the options with care facilities for short term and other long term solutions.  Much will depend upon how mom continues to heal.

Afterwards, I spoke to my mom and she seemed pretty disgusted that they wanted to get rid of her.  She definitely wants to be out of that place- but is very fearful that she's not ready and truth be told, she is not ready- she has climbed a total of 5 stairs in PT, she has 13 at home- we have 15 at our house if she comes to stay with us for a bit.   I told her that I am working on options and that she is not to "sign" anything because if the medical group doesn't approve, then I'd assume she would be on the hook for the cost of the additional nights.  Really puts families between a rock & a hard place.

So our options- really limited I think because everything is so expensive.  I don't think she can go back home not without 24/7 care.  I don't think she can be home alone yet.  So if living with us helps to alleviate some of the needs/financial burden then so be it.  However, that being said- I know that I can't take care of her 24/7 on my own (meaning Bill & I).  I did a lot last year with her hospital ordeal and it took a huge toll on me and I'm not trying to make this sound like it's about me because it's not, but the long and the short of it is that I don't think I can provide all the care that she is going to need.  It's just a matter of figuring out how much help I would need and the costs involved with that so that I do have some "me" time and don't get too overwhelmed.   I don't know, last year I had no doubts that I could provide the care needed- but it was a very different situation.  Even though she came home from the hospital incredibly weak and we had to help her up/down the stairs, it was a quick bounce back considering.   That was one week, this time she has been out of commission for over a month- that takes a huge toll.   Last year it was just about rebuilding strength, this year it's dealing with continued pain in her legs, healing wounds, issues with breathing and certainly having to use Oxygen for awhile - all while still trying to get back to "normal" .  So far the stomach/potty issues seem to be in control- but she said today that she plans to wear diapers for awhile- I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with that.   She has not been an incontinent person, but this experience in the hospital with very delayed response times from the nursing staff had made her dependent upon diapers.

So overall, I am very conflicted right now, really not sure what is the right answer for all of us concerned.  There are no answers at this point, yet we are going to be forced to make a decision in less than a week - which means we need to investigate the options before then, which means the rest of my week is going to be consumed with this research vs. catching up on the incredibly long list of travel research requests that I have right now.  Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I am feeling.

I am happy to be going away this weekend for the Reno Dance train- this may be the last of dancing that we'll be doing for a long time - might have to start having a dance party in the garage.  I am feeling the stress in my back/neck and have not been to the chiropractor in a few weeks- I really need to get adjusted.  I am also eating terribly lately and can feel the weight coming on.  It doesn't help that this has been another one of those non-period periods!   Yep, still skipping a month on that stuff and when I skip a month I seem to bloat continually...sigh- womanhood- oh joy!

So stack of working staring at me, have not touched any of it tonight as planned...getting tired and should just get to bed and try to get up early to attack the work.  Going to be a fedex hostage tomorrow waiting for the Giants Season Tickets to be delivered- signature required.  The time the package arrives will dictate if I get to go walking tomorrow and if I get to go visit mom.

4 weeks...28 days...yep we have reached the 1 month mark!

February 3, a Friday is when I checked my mother in to CPMC, here we are 4 weeks later, a Friday, March 2nd..and she's still in hospital care.   On 2/3 I was tired because I had just gotten back from a wonderful Hawaiian vacation.  On 3/2, I am tired because this month has been very exhausting.  You just never realize how much of a toll this takes on you when a family member is sick.   It's one thing to deal with the physical part of the illness, but to deal with all the emotional/mental aspects is really downright exhausting.    Not to mention the time spent going to/from SF, a lot of extra time and in my life time is something I don't have excess of.  I am doing my best to try to find balance.  My job is to help my mother stay positive and confident that she can recover.  At times, this is very difficult.  But I remain an optimist - it's just my nature.  28 days and only one parking ticket - today!!  So pissed off because I did not see the street cleaning sign, it was hidden behind a tree behind where I parked, I didn't stand a chance of seeing that sign.  I may fight it, but not sure I have the time or the fight to put into it!  

In 28 days, she has made progress.  Especially when you consider that she was in the hospital 5 days before they deemed surgery the appropriate option, then her kidneys were giving some trouble, once that was clear she moves to skilled nursing and starts therapy only to get hit with C-diff a week later that slows down the therapy progress.  I know she is frustrated, it's not fun having diarrhea everyday for 9 days straight.  The meds should be kicking in so that she will be on the bowel mend very soon.  She has to have 3 days of solid movements to be considered "cured" from this bacteria.   I feel as though once this is cleared up, they will probably be discharging her.  So then the question is where?

She will not be able to go home and live alone- she would need some level of home care, but how much?  That remains unclear at this time.   Could she come live with us temporarily?  Yes, but again it depends on what level of care is needed and what can be provided.   She has also expressed not wanting to "do this to us", she is so aware and does not want to become a burden to us.  I get that and she would never be a burden because I am adamant about making sure that I make boundaries and stick to them.    Will she go to an independent/assisting living facility?  Eventually, I am sure this is in the plan, but financially I don't think she can make that transition right now.  Things have to be sorted through.

It is very frustrating for me because I am a planner.  I like solid answers, but with this sort of thing you just don't get solid answers.  It's a day by day thing.  Just trying to gather information so that we can make informed decisions.  

Today during my visit with mom, her Physical Therapist came by for their session and got her out of bed and had her do some walking.  She is getting short of breath pretty easily, but I really do think that is is mostly because of the lack of conditioning from being bed-ridden for 28 days.  Her legs are also a huge source of pain for her and walking is not pain-free.  But she still plugs along and when given the choice to "try again" or go to bed, she chooses to "try again"  She is a fighter!   I just keep trying to reassure her that she can work hard and be back to her old life.  She has had her moments of believing this too, but has also had her moments of huge doubt.  I can't even imagine being in her shoes. 

I did get to see her out walking around today!

 She's not happy to use the walker or to be hooked up to O2, hopefully, she will be able to work up to not using the O2 and perhaps downgrade the walker to her cane in time.  She is so frustrated, but I keep trying to remind her that out of 28 days, she has been out of bed - moving around- maybe 1 day out of that time.  It would be hard for someone like me to bounce back.

I am very thankful for the network of friends & family who have been so supportive and a few friends who are dealing with their own parents with their illnesses and seeing the health of our beloved parents decline.  It is not easy, yet it is part of life.  Some of us go through this at a very young age and some get to enjoy our parents for much longer.  I was cheated many years with my dad, so I don't take any of these days lightly with my mom- yet I do know that quality of life is most important for her and for me.  It would never be fair for her quality of life to be sacrificed so that I get more quantity of life with her.   I do honestly feel though that she does have a good quality of life ahead of her, she just needs to work and fight over this huge hurdle.  She's much stronger than she thinks she is, I can see it in her subtitles. 

WW Journey?  Well, let's just say that having a loved one in the hospital is not conducive to weight loss.  The scale has been inching back up to that 170 mark again..seems I am stuck in a 5 pound abyss and although I can rationalize it all, I still need to do something about it.  I can't gain weight- but I am getting very bored with food, I need to add in my own workouts- I'm not walking enough and really only teaching Body Pump 4x and Spin 1x per week.  I need to infuse other stuff here.  I need to find some new dishes that excited me.  I need to stop dining out/take out food so much.  I need to measure my glass of wine again and stick to it...63 days to go until the Oasis of the Seas and I just bought 10 new belly button rings  - some match my bikini's and some are just cute, generic, anytime rings.   But I need to slim down more to thoroughly enjoy them! 

Off to bed I go, an exciting weekend awaits...Body Pump tomorrow morning, brunch with a group of fabulous Mercy Alum, visit mom, then hopefully a Saturday evening with the McC's so that Bill can help work out some computer issues for them.  Sunday is tax day- yep, not my favorite day of the year, but two things you can't avoid in life- taxes and death.  Took a break from dancing tonight, needed to lay low and nurse an ailing hip/low back issue and next weekend we will be dancing non-stop on the Dance train to Reno...we'll make up for it.

C-Diff!

Well, just when you think maybe mom is making progress, the next shoe drops!   Turns out the several days in a row of Diarrhea was a "sign"- she has the C-Diff bacterial infection that is very common with long term facilities.  It seems to stem from antibiotic use, which in essence kills the bacteria that fights that bad bacteria, making one susceptible to this type of infection.  I find it hard to believe that the last few days when the nurses did not tend to her in a timely enough manner has not had an impact on this infection.   The response time of 10 minutes to the call button seems to be normal, but not quick enough for my mother and her needs.  Keep in mind that she only calls when she needs assistance with the bathroom.   Then she beats herself up because she has an "accident" and is embarrassed, when it's the nurses fault for not tending to her quickly enough.

I get that the nurses are understaffed and that they have too many patients, making it very hard to keep with the expected standard of care.  However, it is still unacceptable.  Take in fewer patients, hire more nursing staff!  It's absolutely appalling!

I reached out to my Facebook family today to get some advice and input on how to handle this, who to reach out to, what to say, what to do.  Half of the problem is that we've never really had a point of contact at this new facility- so who do you talk to?   In any case, I received a lot of helpful advice.  I also had a long chat with a Mercy Alum who is a nurse and read my posting and felt compelled to help me with advice.  She gave me key words to say, told me who I should be checking in with regularly, etc.  She also mentioned that her cousin works at the facility and has for 20 years, she's a highly respected nurse.  One phone call to her and it now appears that my mother has a new "niece" or guardian angel.  Her Niece is going to make it known to the staff that her "Aunt" is in their care and hopefully that will step up the level of care that she is receiving.

The good news- her wounds are healing nicely - in fact, I took some progress pictures today and I feel they are actually not too gross to avoid posting.   So here goes:

The Surgery Wound:

The "bad" leg, but seriously, this is so much better!

 The "good" leg...no longer needing bandages!

It's nice to see that her legs are "normal" color, ok she could use a tan, but she's not red, red swollen and she's not purple for lack of circulation!

So today mom expressed her concern for "returning to her normal life" and she doesn't think it will happen and that has been her whole premise, she didn't want to get "fixed" if she couldn't return to her quality of living.  I tried to tell her that if the Doctors have not told her it's not going to happen to not think about it.  That she needs to fight through this and that she could do this.  I didn't want to completely set her up for disappointment, so I told her that I wasn't sure she'd be able to go back to living alone at home or maybe she could with a stair chair, but then would she feel comfortable living alone?  I did try to "sell" her on the Assisted Living/Independent Living place- Woodside Terrace that we checked out last year and told her that she could very possibly have a better quality of life in a place like that with shuttle service to take here where ever she needed to go, new friends, new activities and she seemed to take it in for thought.  I know that she is concerned about the "rent" taking up all her income and leaving no "fun money"- so we need to help her to start thinking creatively, she could rent out her house and use that rental income for fun, she could sell her house and bank the proceeds and then tap into that for fun and I believe there is some government assistance that she may be eligible to apply for given my dad's Veteran's status.  But we can't dump all these ideas onto her at once, it must be a gentle process.

So it is still one day at a time and we keep hoping for forward progress.  So far she has shown that she can fight, even when she doesn't feel like fighting - her body still does.

A week later...

Wow, has it really been a week since my last post?  Time is flying by way quicker than I can handle.  I am overwhelmed and THAT is an understatement!

ME- well I have been busy this week, back to teaching all 5 of my classes, did 3 walks with Diane, went dancing Friday night, travel work (crazy busy) off the hook and of course visiting mom.  I am trying to find balance, which is always a challenge for me- but I managed to visit her Monday, Wednesday, Friday and today.  I will go again tomorrow and think I will fit the MWF schedule in for next week.  I am the only one to visit this week since my sister is in Hawaii and my brother's schedule is even more overwhelming than mine right now and much more critical.  I am still nursing the "cough" from last weeks's sickness and still don't have my full energy level back.  It is very "tough" to teach my classes right now, but I am pushing through.   I had a few very productive days with travel work, but alas still have quite a bit to accomplish.  I am hoping that I can get some time in tomorrow night on work to start the week off on the right foot.   I am blessed to be so busy and keep getting new requests from strangers that are finding me on Yelp!  I just looked tonight and I have the best and most reviews for Travel Agencies in Redwood City!  Woot woot!!

MOM - overall her week in Skilled Nursing at CPMC has gone well.  There is definitely a different vibe in the place M-F vs. the weekends.  I am not at all pleased with the weekend service, but don't see a way to change it at this point.  It seems that the weekends are times for the employees to be lackadaisical because there aren't that many "eyes" at the place.  No PT's, no OT's, no nursing students-- it's just the nursing staff and their aides.    I find it so appalling that my mother has to wait 10+ minutes for someone to respond to her call button.  It's not just her because I asked her roommate and she's not happy with the response time.  Neither of these ladies "ring" for the fun of it- they ring because there is a real need and for my mother it is usually associated with "potty" assistance.  Last night they took over 20 minutes to respond and she ended up having an "accident" and they had to clean her up. This is UNCALLED for and completely unacceptable.  I will be voicing my opinion about this to the people who matter on Monday when they return to work.    On the up side- yesterday mom walked 35 feet with the assistance of a walker and a wheelchair to sit for breaks and she also climbed 2 stairs. This is progress and they will be doing a lot more of that in the week to come.  Her pain seems to be getting a bit better.   They changed the type of dressing on the ulcer wounds and that seems to have made the world of difference on the pain level.  Unfortunately, the "nurse" makes a difference as well.  Nurse Colby seems to actually care for his patients and was so careful in changing her wounds that he was "sweating" and my mother really appreciated his care and concern to make sure he could minimize the pain she would feel.  He is the exception to the rule for the staff working here.

Overall, I am not impressed with "skilled nursing" and am so upset that my mother has to be in a facility like this.  I have no idea if this is the "norm", but it sucks.  I sort of relate this to my experience on cruise ships.  The newer cruise ships have the best of the best crew, the older cruise ships do not and the service is indicative.  I feel as though "skilled nursing" must be the equivalent to the "old ships".

WEIGHT LOSS - well I thought we were moving in the right direction when I weighed in at 166, but then this friday was back at 169.  I blame "womanhood" on this, because my points were in check.   I've been good, I've been working out again and eating relatively well "for me".  But low & behold it's the "non-period" period time.  Should have had it a week ago, but once again a "no show" (thanks to the 'change')...so seems like I gain weight on that week if I don't get a period, but if I do get a period I drop a few pounds.  Go figure.  The body- what a crazy thing!  However, I am trying to remain focused on the goal for the May 5th cruise...really want to drop 10 pounds by then- need to get serious about this and see how I can jump things up!

OTHER - I took a great Photography class today, although was yawning through the entire class just out of overall exhaustion.  My motto, keep on pushing!    It was nice to do something out of the ordinary and I did learn a lot- now if I can only remember it all!   Tomorrow will be fun, hopefully up early enough or church, then 1030am hitting the road to visit mom first and deliver the Sunday paper to her, then up to Fairfield for a visit/lunch with niece Jenifer and her baby girl MacKenzie.  Looking forward to the visit and to a lunch at Chevy's since our two locations are closed!  May go visit mom on the way home, we'll see how she sounds on the phone.  The weekends are so lonely there for her, I think she really enjoys the visits during the week from the nursing students- they actually care and show compassion!   Then it's Monday again- and hello March this week- YIKES!! I better start Christmas Shopping!

I'm better...but Mom..not so sure...

After two days of rest, working in PJ's and laying low, I was finally up and out today.  I don't feel 100%, but I do feel as though the worst of this cold is behind me.   Been stuffed up tonight, but I think that was the Mexican dinner and Margarita!   I got up and taught Body Pump this morning- this was HARD!  I really pushed through and it was great to see my regulars and one new person, all in all a great class and I truly LOVE my Saturday peeps!   It is just a more relaxed class on Saturdays- nobody is in a rush to get out of there, or a rush to set up (we have a 15 minute window between classes)- so it's just very relaxed.  Love it!

After lunch, a mani/pedi, Bill & I headed up to SF to go visit mom in her new temporary home "CPMC- Davies".  Well, we got there easily, we found parking very easily- but walking into the hospital based on first impressions- was not very impressed.  It is an older facility and just doesn't seem to be kept up like the Pacific Campus.  Found mom's room, she as a bit uptight- my bad, I should have called her and given her an ETA- she knew we were coming to visit today, but not sure of the time.  She was happy to see us, but still very uptight about being there.  She keeps thinking that things are "shady" there, that she is "being kept in the dark", that she is "all alone" and things like that.  Now when she was telling me these things over the phone the last two days- I thought she might be losing it.  However, after visiting, I can see how she might feel this way.   Not being familiar with "Skilled Nursing", I don't know if this is normal or what.  She is really only visited once per hour by the nurses to take vitals and see if she needs anything, she does have a call button, but overall it just doesn't appear to be a very "caregiving" place.   Don't get me wrong, the nurses when they are taking vitals and such seem to be very nice and caregiving- but I guess it just seems like a very understaffed place.  Maybe it's just normal for the weekend, but overall just felt very desolate of a place.  I did not get a warm & fuzzy feeling.  Then tonight I get a call from the nurse from my mom's room asking when I would be coming by again and if I could bring mom's Lumigen (eye drops)- they seemed to have misplaced them.   I could tell that my mother was upset by this as she asked to speak to me and I think I will need to go up there tomorrow to bring more eye drops, which means another stop by mom's house to get them- but this sort of thing should not happen.  

The other fiasco that is very upsetting is that mom kept trying to call me from her room and was not having luck, she would ask the nurses for help and still couldn't get in contact with me.  Fortunately, I call often and she was happy to hear from me, but she was feeling trapped and somewhat imprisoned and I made some calls to find out that anything considered long distance or a toll call is blocked, but nobody explained this to her.  So she spent two days very frustrated and trapped that she couldn't get in touch with her kids.  I felt horrible because I wish I had been with her for the move to the new facility, but of course we didn't have any notice of the move until literally a few hours prior.  Then the next day I was sick.  I just can't imagine how horrible it must have been for mom to be in a new surrounding with nothing familiar and then have to wait 3 days for a familiar visitor.   Of course, today she had myself, Bill, my brother and two nephews visit.    Just seems like this facility makes a lot of assumptions.

Additionally, mom is complaining about the food.  It seems that she is now on a low-fat, low-sodium, low-cholesterol menu and the food tastes like crap.  This is another issue of concern because unless there are kidney function reasons for restricting her diet, she is not and never has been a candidate for any of these diet restrictions- which of course now makes me question the competence and is she getting the correct diet?

Ultimately, I am very concerned and feel a bit helpless right now because since the move, I really don't have anyone to contact except for the surgeon who supposedly makes calls at this skilled nursing facility and that is why she is there.  I need to call his office Monday morning so that I can try to get some answers and make sure that she is getting everything she should be getting.  She is going to be there too long to be this freaked out.  She was saying that she is getting so uptight about being there that she was afraid she was going to have a heart attack.  That is not a good feeling to have.

So, ready to hit the hay here shortly- Bill is already shut-eye on the couch - go figure!   Tomorrow, well seems like I may be going up to SF to visit and bring eyedrops to mom.  I need to feel better tomorrow and ready to start off a new week and get back into my routine!   Need to find a new balance in my life to get through this mom ordeal.

Down for the Count!

Well, crapola!!  I am SICK!  I was in denial yesterday, thought it was allergies because sometimes climate changes from traveling mess with my sinuses...but nope- full blown chest/head cold.   I realize that my body is telling me to "slow the hell down", I've been pushing and going full steam ahead between work, fitness, traveling and taking care of mom (be that going by her house or just simply spending time with her).   All in all, very overwhelming.  So when I get sick, my M.O. is that I lose my voice- God is not stupid, he knows that I'll keep pushing ahead as much as I can- but it's really hard to teach fitness without a voice and it can be hard to do my travel job if most clients are using the phone- which of course was the case today!

I got subs for my Body Pump class tonight and my Spin class tomorrow.  I was really looking forward to getting back in the saddle again- I have not taught that class in over a month, with really just one Friday planned off for Hawaii, but then work was overwhelming with deadlines when I got back from Hawaii, then the next week overwhelmed with mom's surgery and lots of time away from the office and now this week- sick.   Just hate not being there for my participants.   Sucks, but very thankful that I have a very supportive team in the gym arena to help cover in times of need.  I do wish there were more options for Thursday nights at Fitness 101- none of the Body Pump instructors are ever available to help out, so I'm caught between a rock and a hard place whenever I need someone.  I really dislike having to change the class format to Sculpting...so would never have done that unless I was truly in need.

Mom was moved yesterday to Skilled Nursing at the Davies Campus of CPMC and is settling in.,  I feel terrible that I have not been able to go by there yet.  With being sick, I don't want to bring any germs with me.  I don't see myself being well enough to go tomorrow either, so hoping I am able to go visit on Saturday.   She needs the visit, tonight she was very uptight thinking that nobody (drs./nurses) were going to be around over the weekend.  I will need to find out exactly what the situation is.   I just hate that she's alone with no visitors there since she was moved.   So I am praying that I am much better tomorrow so that I can go see her Saturday.   I know that they have started to work with her on exercising to regain some upper body strength to help her with getting herself up and being able to push herself up off the bed/chair or whatever.   It's going to be a long, hard road for her - but I am feeling as though she wants to push through and get better.   Time will tell.

Time to get some rest- lots of it and tomorrow is a work in PJ's type of day.  I really don't think I will be well enough to dance tomorrow night- bummed about that, but I have to take care of myself.   I want to be well enough to teach Body Pump on Saturday.

TTFN!

Exhausted...'nuff said!

So I am back from a whirlwind trip to Disneyland with Diane, Brynn & Nolan.  We had a really good time, it was fun experiencing the parks once again with small children!  We went on many rides and got to see the new World of Color show, which I had not seen yet - all in all a great time away, but an exhausting time away!  Brynn tried everything and love everything.  Nolan was apprehensive to try everything, most things once he went on them he decided he loved them, but the "fear of the dark/unknown" was a tough battle the entire trip.  He definitely can do without Tower of Terror & Indiana Jones!

I called my mom every morning to check in, Sunday after I spoke to her I had my doubts that I had made the right decision in going away, she sounded very depressed and was talking the "I'm ready to die" talk.  Of course, after I hung up I broke down in tears and was instantly consoled by Diane & the kids.  In fact, Brynn automatically wrapped her arms around me and said, "It's ok Auntie Pammy, we had to go through the same thing with my Grandma."  I was touched and proud of her maturity at that instant.   We then found my happy face and proceeded to go have fun, although thoughts of my mother were never far out of my mind.  Monday morning she sounded better and Tuesday morning she sounded like her old self again and was very talkative.  I had heard from my sister that she told her not to come visit because "she was going to be around a bit longer" and then said she was going to fight to get better.

We got home last night and I didn't stay up too late, but still got up early enough to tend to a few work emails before heading up to SF to visit and also meet with her Drs.  We had a nice visit and she was excited to see some of my Disneyland pictures and hear about the trip.  The Drs. came and explained the prognosis & next steps.  They were planning (& probably already have) to move her to skilled nursing today where she can have Physical Therapy and additional wound treatment.  They anticipate a few weeks at the facility and they will re-evaluate in about 10 days to see her progress and determine once again where they think she will end up.  They did say today that medically, they doubt she will be able to move back home and live by herself.   So we will be faced with looking at options and seeing what is the best scenario.  Of course, I would prefer that she move to Woodside Terrace so that she is closer and also so that she is in a facility that provides a lot of Independence, but also has the assistance when needed.  So we are trying to get her to consider the possibility and think over the next steps.  Really trying to emphasize that a move like that could improve her quality of life to even better than before the hospital.  One day at a time..for her and for me.

I was able to get some work done today, but not even close to being caught up.  I am very exhausted and starting to feel run down.  I am going to really try to get to bed EARLY tonight, I need to get a full night's rest and hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed.  I keep hearing my friend Julie in the back of my head, "I had to learn to say 'no' and not over extend myself".  I am starting to feel the over extension.  I am also starting to get a little anxious that time is flying by so quickly.  Today is the mid-way point of February, it's scary!   Hard to believe this time last year we had just gotten off a cruise and were excitedly planning for our first trip to Paris!  Feels like such a long time ago!

Well, the agenda for the rest of the evening - fold laundry from last week, unpack & then settle on the couch with the hubs with a little work & wine.  We'll see how much work gets done!  The way I feel, not even sure the laundry will get done.

Quite the Roller Coaster Ride of Life...

Going to keep this one short as I need to get some sleep before getting up at 6am tomorrow to head off to Disneyland...to ride real roller coasters!    This entire week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions with mom in the hospital.  Add to that the stress level of trying to do my life with a lot less time- something that I never seem to have enough with when everything is peachy!  I've been trying really hard not to over-extend myself during this time, knowing how I operate- but I'm still in a position with too many things to do and not enough time to get them done.   I'm trying to let it roll off my shoulders, but it's not easy when you're a perfectionist like me.  Thank God for my classes at the gym, they have helped to keep me sane and have also gotten me out to be active a few times during the week - because of course what happens when I get crunched for time?  My personal workouts go out the door.  I also had my two biggest Body Pump classes at Gold's this week with 19 on Tuesday and 24 today!  We used all the equipment today- talk about psyched!

Anyway, the day after surgery mom was still in ICU and not very "with it", which is to be expected and she was still in a lot of pain while they try to get the right combination of medications set for her.  Friday's afternoon visit was the sort of visit that makes your heart sink.   My mom kept saying that she was "tired" and it wasn't the "i have not slept and I'm tired", it was the "I'm done, tired of fighting" type of tired.  She was also not making a lot of sense and was also having hallucinations from the meds.  I left her feeling like she may just not have the will to live, especially with the road she has ahead of her.    This put me in a very somber mood to say the least, but I am trying to deal and cope and realize that it is her life and only she can decide to fight or not.   Bill & I went out to dinner for Tiina's birthday and his friend Joe met up with us as well.  We had a really nice dinner and then went dancing.  I was very touched by the number of dance friends who came up and wanted to know how my mom was doing- and of course I somewhat lost it with a few of them - but it was great to have that support and I know I was vulnerable at that time due to the visit that afternoon.

Today- different story.  Bill came up to visit with me, I didn't even ask him to- it was a Saturday and he is not working and simply asked "what time are you going to visit? I want to go with you".  Well, mom was sitting up, she was somewhat talkative and although she was saying things like, "If it's my time, I am at peace with that and you all need to realize that I may die this time."  Now unlike the night before, this wasn't sounding like "wishing to die", it just sounded like someone who was at peace with it, if it's going to be God's will.   She said the same thing last year when she was in Sequoia hospital.   I told her that I understood and that she needs to fight for herself.  The Kidney specialist came in to chat because there are some issues with her kidney functions and he told her that he may need to put her on dialysis temporarily to get things jump-started and asked how she felt about that.  Her reply, "well temporary is fine, but not forever.  Do what you need to do"- so that is not a statement from someone who wants to die.  The difference today- she doesn't want to die, but she's ok if she does.  Yesterday, I thought she really wanted to die.

So yes, it is a roller coaster ride for sure.  And tomorrow who knows what mood she'll be in, I hope a good one because she is going to have several visitors.  I am going to head off to Disneyland with the BFF and her two older kids for 2 nights and am going to have a good time.  I know my mom would expect nothing less of me and she was happy that I was still going on this trip.  The Drs. also didn't see any problem with me being gone for a few days.  Now time for zzzzzzzz's!

You get ONE life...make the most of it!

I am feeling very reflective tonight after spending an entire day at the hospital while my mother was in surgery.   After several tests over the last few days since her admission into CPMC, the Drs. concluded that she needed to have bypass surgery on her left leg so that the circulation could be restored and she could then have a shot at healing those damn ulcers on her legs...or at least the left leg for now.  It was supposed to be a 2-3 hour procedure that ended up taking 4 hours in total.  While in there, they also really cleaned out the ulcers since she would not feel it while being under anesthesia.  Once she was settled into the ICU, my sister & I went to visit her and it was so hard to see her in such pain.  She has the button so that she can get more pain meds every ten minutes- I can't even imagine the pain.

When the Dr. came to talk to use after the surgery he was quite frank about mom's situation and said that her wounds are so deep that he doesn't think they will be able to do skin graphs later, so not sure what that means in terms of how the healing will look once they are healed.  He also stated that her right leg is probably not far behind from needing this same procedure as well.   He said that her lungs are at the "end stage of disease" - and seemed very surprised that she gets around like she does without any oxygen assistance.  Not sure if she will be discharged w/o oxygen orders...she will not like that one bit if she has to tote around a tank with her everywhere.    So the next step is tomorrow she should be out of ICU (at least that is what the nurse just told me on the phone), so probably a new room for one night and if Dr. Long gets his wish- she'll be transferred to Skilled Nursing on Friday where she will remain for probably a month.  Sigh.   Of course, these places are all in S.F. which presents its own set of challenges to all family members who wish to visit- we're all looking at a 2 hour RT driving time, which really sucks!!!!!!!!!  The Dr. said they will have her up and walking around a bit right away, I can't even imagine how that will be for her, but I realize it has to happen to avoid other issues that can arise from being sedentary too long in a hospital bed.

My biggest fear is that my mother will just give up, decide that she's too tired to do the work to get healed, that she'll think she's lived a good, long life so why bother?   Then I wonder, well do I fear for her or for me?  Of course, I fear for me- what will I do when my mother is no longer here with us?  For starters, I will be a wreck for an undetermined amount of time.   Bill always said to me that there were two days that he was never looking forward to:  the day our kitty would eventually pass (2 years ago) and the day my mom passes - and he's right to fear those days!  My mom is not only my mom but we are best friends- she was my very first best friend in this world.  I've always been able to talk to her about everything and anything.  I've been able to be honest with her when she's not so honest with herself.  We just have a very unique relationship that surpasses the normal mother-daughter bond.  It's hard to explain, but we always have.

So back to my title- one life.  My mother has had a very good 82, almost 83 years.  She has been married, raised three kids, has many friends (of course many have left this earth), she has traveled (albeit not as much as she would have liked and not with my dad who left this earth way too soon at the age of 60)..but I guess what is really bothering me is that if she's had 82+ years here with the way she has abused herself with smoking the way she has- imagine what a life she would have had without the smoking?   So in her way, she has made the most of it.  But selfishly, I want her to make more of it - I don't believe she is done with this life.  I picture her having a new lease on life after this recovery period and being better than she was before.  Don't know- perhaps that is the pollyanna in me speaking again.  Am I setting myself up for disappointment?  Maybe.  Am I preparing for the worst?  In the back of my mind, yes I know what can happen.  Am I ready for that?  No- really are we ever ready?  I'm still not ready to lose my dad and he's been gone for 22 years!   All I know is that I do prefer to look at the glass as 1/2 FULL.  Life is too short to be on the 1/2 EMPTY side of the argument.

I have been overwhelmed with all of the support, love & prayers from friends, colleagues and clients.  I "lost it" a few times today, but was able to pull myself together.  Had a nice chat with Diane for about 45 minutes this morning and I walked the labyrinth outside of the hospital front door.  I never knew there was one there- amazing what you see when you stop and take the time to look.  It was kind of cool.  Then after surgery I called my brother and needed to move around- I guess all the nervous energy bottled up inside of me so I talked to him for about 20 minutes and walked the streets up/down/around the hospital- it was a beautiful sunny day!   I spoke to both my sister & brother to get their opinion about me going to Disneyland Sunday-Tuesday and they both agreed that  I should go and that mom would be mad at me if I canceled the trip.   Diane had mentioned today that they would understand if I needed to cancel for this reason.   The reality of things is this- should my mother turn to the worse and become critical or codes- well she has a DNR- so it wouldn't matter if I was coming from Redwood City or Anaheim, I would be too late in any case.  So I plan to get in a few good visits between now and Sunday before I go and I will go visit when I return.

I spoke to my friend Julie on my way home, she has been dealing with her "oldsters" aka- parents and their ailing health issues for some time now and it was nice to talk to someone who has learned that she needs to set boundaries, needs to set aside "me" time and needs to learn to say "no".  Some great sound advice and she too said I should go to Disneyland- she faced a similar situation with a recent trip to Vegas.  You just always think you'd have regrets if something did happen while you were away, but can't do that- it's out of your control.

Ok- think i have rambled enough.  I helped Michael a bit tonight on his scholarship apps, but we still have lots to do- so again tomorrow night more of the same.  Work- oh yes, lots of that to do as well.   I am exhausted-- off to bed I go for about 7 hours of Zzzzzzzzzz's!

Curve Balls!

Yep, that is what yesterday & today were all about.  Don't you just hate when you have a plan and then POOF, it all just goes up in your face!  Well, yesterday (thursday)  I had a super busy day with work and most of it was urgent corporate travel needs based on weather related flight cancellations, etc.  That meant the trip research that I was intending to do wasn't getting attention and then towards the end of the day I received three trip requests for President's week!  Yikes- two weeks notice if that!   So I frantically put out a call for a sub for my Friday spin class.  I hate to do that, but sometimes you just have to and thankfully, Sara was able to sub for me.  I did what I do best- I stayed up until the wee hours (almost 4am) working on trip research and then slept in.  I know my M.O.- I am not very disciplined at getting up earlier to do work, I'm much better working late and going to bed at 4am!  I must have seriously passed out when I hit the pillow because I have NO recollection of Bill's 420am alarm or the 5am kiss good bye!

I slept in until just before 10am, got up briefly to try to get the Mega Ticket for the Country Concerts this season, but to no avail- only crappy seat locations and this was after two days of pre-sale attempts with the same crappy seat choices.  I found out today that I am not alone- another friend and her husband didn't get seats either for the same reason- crappy seat choices!   1030am, I was back in bed for another two hours, then finally got up after checking emails from my phone.  Good thing, I attacked work - one of the President's week trips was ready to confirm and another client was ready to rebook a canceled maiden voyage cruise and things were going so well....until...a call from my mom around 1pm.   She called me from her Dermatologist office to let me know that indeed they wanted her to admit into the hospital.  Now we did talk about this yesterday and I  knew it was a possibility, but I just didn't quite equate that to "TODAY".  So I scrambled to get ready, get a few loose ends tied and then headed up to SF at 315pm to get her and then get her "checked in" by 5pm at CPMC.

Now I'm not really sure what I was thinking, "checked in"- I think I had visions of a hotel, I mean she was a letter from her Dr. to admit her, should be easy- right?  Well, not quite!   We had to admit through the ER so we registered, then were quickly seen by the Triage nurse..then we waited..and waited..and waited until about 7pm when we were finally taken into the ER exam room..where we spent approximately another 4+ hours.  This test, that test, etc. to get all information needed.  By 8pm I was about to eat anything in sight (cafe closed at 7pm) and ended up having the most nutritious dinner of Doritos, M&M's & a few peanuts.  Mom had Corn Chips for dinner!   By 9pm, my phone had died so now I was faced with "killing time" with nothing to OCCUPY myself with...it's amazing how glued to our smart phones we are these days!    Finally, around 1130pm we were escorted up to her room, officially admitted and after some paperwork with her nurse, I finally headed home around 1215pm on a conference call with my sister & brother to fill them in.   Now that is technology at its best!

So the deal with mom is this- she has these AWFUL ulcers on her legs- more on the left and they are seriously nasty and cause her a tremendous amount of pain.  I am surprised she has lived with/coped with this sort of pain for so long.  They were bothering her at Christmas and causing her to not sleep very well and have continued to do that daily ever since and not sure how long before.  She has been seeing Dermatologist regularly and they keep giving her treatments, dressings and oral antibiotics and nothing is really helping.  There have been very slight improvements, but slight.   Well, it's very frustrating because the main cause of these ulcers or lack of them healing is a combination of poor circulation and lack of oxygen.  And these are both results of smoking!   When she left our house back in June last year after her 3 month recovery from her hospital ordeal, any ulcers she had were pretty much healed or very close- she wasn't smoking!  She has gradually started smoking again and I have no idea how much she really has been smoking- she doesn't exactly tell the truth to us kids and she is in a bit of denial herself about the entire thing.  It's so hard to see someone do this sort of damage to themselves- KNOWINGLY!   I think (ok- maybe I hope because I am a Pollyanna type of person) that she finally "gets it"!  She is pissed off at herself for "doing this to herself", she is upset that she is in so much self-caused pain and the Dr. told her point blank- you cannot smoke and if your oxygen levels are not at the right level w/o oxygen assistance you will go home with a tank and my mom does not want that at all!   It's just really hard to see your parents age and have to deal with these health issues and battles.   I told my mom that its very clear that she never really WANTED to quit smoking and that I have a hard time believing and accepting how someone could willingly and knowingly cause themselves this sort of harm.   Time will tell and I hope & pray that she sees that she can't smoke and that she gets whatever help is available to her- counseling, support groups or whatever!  They do want to run a CT scan to make sure there is not something else going on like blood clots that would get int he way of her healing- we'll find out more on that tomorrow.

So of course, all the work that I had planned on getting done this afternoon went out the window as I headed up to SF and spent from 5pm until midnight at CPMC...finally getting home at 1am!    I tried to get a sub for my Body Pump class tomorrow because I knew I'd be getting home late and that I'd be too wound up to go right to bed (go figure)...but nobody replied affirmatively- so up in about 7 hours for me so I can shower and get somewhat ready for my 1030am class and immediately following class I need to "freshen up"- no time to shower and head up to SF to attend a funeral for my friend's father who passed earlier this week.  He was one year older than my mom!  :(   Then since I am already in SF, I'll go visit my mom for a bit before heading back home.   So a curve ball that I was not expecting- but I'll figure it all out!  That's what I do.

Off to bed I go now..think I can finally wind down enough to get some sleep and be ready to attack the day.  All I can say is that I am soooooooooo ready for my massage on Sunday.  

February Already?

I am not liking how time is flying by so quickly!  It seems like just yesterday that we were cheering in the new year and that Hawaii was a month away.  We just returned back from Hawaii!   Speaking of which- we had a super time at Aulani.   It is a beautiful resort, but definitely an expensive place to be - thankfully, we bought wine and snacks at Safeway so we eliminated some dining expenses.   Also, good on the calorie intake.

So February- what do you have in store for me?  Well, let's see in less than two weeks, I'll be visiting Disneyland with Diane, Brynn & Nolan.  I am really looking forward to experiencing the parks with kids for a change and super excited to see World of Color.  Just hoping the normally great Southern California weather cooperates with us.   That will be it on the travel front.  I'm trying to have something travel related planned every month this year, be it a weekend getaway, short trip or full trip.   I need to work on April and then the second 1/2 of the year.  I have ideas...just need to play with them to make it all work out.

I am ready to get back on track now with Weight Watchers and bump up my workouts.  I think I am going to cancel my membership at PAC- it breaks my heart to do that because I love that gym, but I am paying a pretty penny to belong there and simply put, I'm not getting my money's worth- my schedule just won't allow me to.  I am now teaching at three facilities that I can go workout at anytime, so it really is silly for me to have the Country Club membership.  (Yes, I am trying to convince myself)  I had my thoughts that if I made myself be seen by the Director there often enough that I would at some point be offered a class on the schedule.  Well, I sub there and I think that is all I will be doing there- she never acknowledges my emails when I casually comment about "if a class become open", etc.    It's ok, it really is her loss and unfortunately the member's loss.  The last time I subbed there I had a long conversation with a member who was complaining to me about other Body Pump instructors on the schedule.   She's not the first to have the same complaint.   Oh well, time to let it go.  Also, my favorite Zumba & Kick Boxing instructor at PAC has slowly been giving up the majority of her classes there and setting up shop elsewhere, so another motivating factor is gone.  

The great news is that while at the Honolulu airport, I received a call from the Director at the OFJCC (the place that had initially given me a Wednesday night class that was abruptly taken away by no fault of my own, but an inner- administration glitch) - well, it turns out that the 7am Monday class is available starting this month and I was given the offer- YAY!!!  I jumped on it because I have been wanting a class there and also wanted to expand my Club One teachings- I currently have a 401K plan with them and have been trying to "bank" most of my Club One earnings into that account.  So I am super excited about that and will now have 4 Body Pump classes per week - this is perfect!   I do need to do something to re-invent myself on the Spinning front.  I have been getting bored teaching the format and think I need to attend some seminars to get back on track with that one and if that doesn't do it, then maybe it's time to hang up my spin shoes for awhile.   Time will tell.   Next, I need to either re-cert with PiYo or see about some other Yoga certification.  I am contemplating taking the Yoga Fundamentals I & II with SCW in March.  I took the first class several years ago, but could use the refresh.

So I am ready for February...lots of classes, lots of trips to plan for clients (maybe 1-2 for me), a few dinners planned:  Tiina's birthday, Jenifer's birthday and Bill's friend Joe wants us to meet his girlfriend when she comes out here for a visit, Disneyland and dancing every Friday night!  Hopefully, we'll get in a few Wednesday nights as well!

February- bring it on, I'm ready!

Life is Good!

As I sit here in Hawaii at the Aulani resort...hubby is snoozing away, our friends are tucked away in their room next door, I sit here and reflect- I truly am blessed.  Blessed with a career that I love, one that allows and requires me to travel to fun destinations.   Blessed with an amazing husband who will travel the world with me- doesn't matter where, just as long as we are together.   Blessed with wonderful friends.  

As we are going through security this morning at SFO,  Nolan sees us and shouts out, "Uncle Bill do you have your tablet?"...then later when we all catch up-- "Uncle Bill, you're the best Uncle EVER" - that sort of stuff just warms my heart.  These kids love Bill so much, it's so awesome.   Makes me sad on one side of things that we don't have kids of our own, but so happy that we have such amazing kids in our lives who really are such an important part of our lives.   The vacation begins...Nolan of course wanted to sit with Uncle Bill, but his dad told him "No, let Uncle Bill sit with Auntie Pammie"....it all worked out.   Great flight, great limo ride to the resort and great first night - except for the rain.  Fortunately, we were given umbrellas to get ourselves back to our rooms after dinner.  Service is the name of the game at Disney's Aulani Resort!

So I weighed in this morning and the scale said 166.6...this is progress!!  Now hoping I can hang onto it through vacation and then keep it going once we get back.  This puts me back at the 28 pound mark and still so close, yet so far from the elusive 30 mark!    However, a milestone today- together Bill & I changed my belly ring!  I have worn the same belly ring since I got my belly pierced 8 years ago!  For awhile I was always afraid of changing it and then at one point I know that I didn't want to take it out for fear that I would not put it back in again-- I was fat and the belly ring didn't feel very comfy!  Well about 3 years ago Janet gave me a Mickey Mouse belly button ring for Christmas...I am now wearing that belly button ring.  My goal was to wear it at Disney's Aulani resort-  Disney + beach = Mickey Mouse belly button ring!    So far so good, it was a goal and I achieved it, as silly as it may sound.

Looking forward to our time here, it's a pretty amazing resort- I just hope the weather cooperates!   It poured rain tonight...hopefully that is just a night thing!   We found out that the Pro Bowl football players are staying at the JW Marriott next door, so excited that we may run into them at some point.  We plan to dine there tomorrow night!

Well off to bed for me now...ALOHA!