Quite the Roller Coaster Ride of Life...

Going to keep this one short as I need to get some sleep before getting up at 6am tomorrow to head off to Disneyland...to ride real roller coasters!    This entire week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions with mom in the hospital.  Add to that the stress level of trying to do my life with a lot less time- something that I never seem to have enough with when everything is peachy!  I've been trying really hard not to over-extend myself during this time, knowing how I operate- but I'm still in a position with too many things to do and not enough time to get them done.   I'm trying to let it roll off my shoulders, but it's not easy when you're a perfectionist like me.  Thank God for my classes at the gym, they have helped to keep me sane and have also gotten me out to be active a few times during the week - because of course what happens when I get crunched for time?  My personal workouts go out the door.  I also had my two biggest Body Pump classes at Gold's this week with 19 on Tuesday and 24 today!  We used all the equipment today- talk about psyched!

Anyway, the day after surgery mom was still in ICU and not very "with it", which is to be expected and she was still in a lot of pain while they try to get the right combination of medications set for her.  Friday's afternoon visit was the sort of visit that makes your heart sink.   My mom kept saying that she was "tired" and it wasn't the "i have not slept and I'm tired", it was the "I'm done, tired of fighting" type of tired.  She was also not making a lot of sense and was also having hallucinations from the meds.  I left her feeling like she may just not have the will to live, especially with the road she has ahead of her.    This put me in a very somber mood to say the least, but I am trying to deal and cope and realize that it is her life and only she can decide to fight or not.   Bill & I went out to dinner for Tiina's birthday and his friend Joe met up with us as well.  We had a really nice dinner and then went dancing.  I was very touched by the number of dance friends who came up and wanted to know how my mom was doing- and of course I somewhat lost it with a few of them - but it was great to have that support and I know I was vulnerable at that time due to the visit that afternoon.

Today- different story.  Bill came up to visit with me, I didn't even ask him to- it was a Saturday and he is not working and simply asked "what time are you going to visit? I want to go with you".  Well, mom was sitting up, she was somewhat talkative and although she was saying things like, "If it's my time, I am at peace with that and you all need to realize that I may die this time."  Now unlike the night before, this wasn't sounding like "wishing to die", it just sounded like someone who was at peace with it, if it's going to be God's will.   She said the same thing last year when she was in Sequoia hospital.   I told her that I understood and that she needs to fight for herself.  The Kidney specialist came in to chat because there are some issues with her kidney functions and he told her that he may need to put her on dialysis temporarily to get things jump-started and asked how she felt about that.  Her reply, "well temporary is fine, but not forever.  Do what you need to do"- so that is not a statement from someone who wants to die.  The difference today- she doesn't want to die, but she's ok if she does.  Yesterday, I thought she really wanted to die.

So yes, it is a roller coaster ride for sure.  And tomorrow who knows what mood she'll be in, I hope a good one because she is going to have several visitors.  I am going to head off to Disneyland with the BFF and her two older kids for 2 nights and am going to have a good time.  I know my mom would expect nothing less of me and she was happy that I was still going on this trip.  The Drs. also didn't see any problem with me being gone for a few days.  Now time for zzzzzzzz's!