You get ONE life...make the most of it!

I am feeling very reflective tonight after spending an entire day at the hospital while my mother was in surgery.   After several tests over the last few days since her admission into CPMC, the Drs. concluded that she needed to have bypass surgery on her left leg so that the circulation could be restored and she could then have a shot at healing those damn ulcers on her legs...or at least the left leg for now.  It was supposed to be a 2-3 hour procedure that ended up taking 4 hours in total.  While in there, they also really cleaned out the ulcers since she would not feel it while being under anesthesia.  Once she was settled into the ICU, my sister & I went to visit her and it was so hard to see her in such pain.  She has the button so that she can get more pain meds every ten minutes- I can't even imagine the pain.

When the Dr. came to talk to use after the surgery he was quite frank about mom's situation and said that her wounds are so deep that he doesn't think they will be able to do skin graphs later, so not sure what that means in terms of how the healing will look once they are healed.  He also stated that her right leg is probably not far behind from needing this same procedure as well.   He said that her lungs are at the "end stage of disease" - and seemed very surprised that she gets around like she does without any oxygen assistance.  Not sure if she will be discharged w/o oxygen orders...she will not like that one bit if she has to tote around a tank with her everywhere.    So the next step is tomorrow she should be out of ICU (at least that is what the nurse just told me on the phone), so probably a new room for one night and if Dr. Long gets his wish- she'll be transferred to Skilled Nursing on Friday where she will remain for probably a month.  Sigh.   Of course, these places are all in S.F. which presents its own set of challenges to all family members who wish to visit- we're all looking at a 2 hour RT driving time, which really sucks!!!!!!!!!  The Dr. said they will have her up and walking around a bit right away, I can't even imagine how that will be for her, but I realize it has to happen to avoid other issues that can arise from being sedentary too long in a hospital bed.

My biggest fear is that my mother will just give up, decide that she's too tired to do the work to get healed, that she'll think she's lived a good, long life so why bother?   Then I wonder, well do I fear for her or for me?  Of course, I fear for me- what will I do when my mother is no longer here with us?  For starters, I will be a wreck for an undetermined amount of time.   Bill always said to me that there were two days that he was never looking forward to:  the day our kitty would eventually pass (2 years ago) and the day my mom passes - and he's right to fear those days!  My mom is not only my mom but we are best friends- she was my very first best friend in this world.  I've always been able to talk to her about everything and anything.  I've been able to be honest with her when she's not so honest with herself.  We just have a very unique relationship that surpasses the normal mother-daughter bond.  It's hard to explain, but we always have.

So back to my title- one life.  My mother has had a very good 82, almost 83 years.  She has been married, raised three kids, has many friends (of course many have left this earth), she has traveled (albeit not as much as she would have liked and not with my dad who left this earth way too soon at the age of 60)..but I guess what is really bothering me is that if she's had 82+ years here with the way she has abused herself with smoking the way she has- imagine what a life she would have had without the smoking?   So in her way, she has made the most of it.  But selfishly, I want her to make more of it - I don't believe she is done with this life.  I picture her having a new lease on life after this recovery period and being better than she was before.  Don't know- perhaps that is the pollyanna in me speaking again.  Am I setting myself up for disappointment?  Maybe.  Am I preparing for the worst?  In the back of my mind, yes I know what can happen.  Am I ready for that?  No- really are we ever ready?  I'm still not ready to lose my dad and he's been gone for 22 years!   All I know is that I do prefer to look at the glass as 1/2 FULL.  Life is too short to be on the 1/2 EMPTY side of the argument.

I have been overwhelmed with all of the support, love & prayers from friends, colleagues and clients.  I "lost it" a few times today, but was able to pull myself together.  Had a nice chat with Diane for about 45 minutes this morning and I walked the labyrinth outside of the hospital front door.  I never knew there was one there- amazing what you see when you stop and take the time to look.  It was kind of cool.  Then after surgery I called my brother and needed to move around- I guess all the nervous energy bottled up inside of me so I talked to him for about 20 minutes and walked the streets up/down/around the hospital- it was a beautiful sunny day!   I spoke to both my sister & brother to get their opinion about me going to Disneyland Sunday-Tuesday and they both agreed that  I should go and that mom would be mad at me if I canceled the trip.   Diane had mentioned today that they would understand if I needed to cancel for this reason.   The reality of things is this- should my mother turn to the worse and become critical or codes- well she has a DNR- so it wouldn't matter if I was coming from Redwood City or Anaheim, I would be too late in any case.  So I plan to get in a few good visits between now and Sunday before I go and I will go visit when I return.

I spoke to my friend Julie on my way home, she has been dealing with her "oldsters" aka- parents and their ailing health issues for some time now and it was nice to talk to someone who has learned that she needs to set boundaries, needs to set aside "me" time and needs to learn to say "no".  Some great sound advice and she too said I should go to Disneyland- she faced a similar situation with a recent trip to Vegas.  You just always think you'd have regrets if something did happen while you were away, but can't do that- it's out of your control.

Ok- think i have rambled enough.  I helped Michael a bit tonight on his scholarship apps, but we still have lots to do- so again tomorrow night more of the same.  Work- oh yes, lots of that to do as well.   I am exhausted-- off to bed I go for about 7 hours of Zzzzzzzzzz's!