I did better than I thought I would!

I got out a few tears this morning in the shower...knowing that I was going to have to say good-bye. I got teary-eyed several times today with talking to other parents or listening to some of the Deans, VP's etc speak.  But overall, I did good!   Today was a really good day!

We had a parent's meeting where the VP of Student Relations (I think) spoke and she is the mother of a sophomore in college- so she knows about the "letting go".  Her talk was very "REAL", it was very comical and she really conveyed how much these new freshman kids are leaving one family (temporarily) for another family.   She really stressed how RIT is a family and that these kids are in very good hands.  I have to say that I agree.  When I looked over campus today while walking from one place to another, you could see groups of Freshman with their OA (Orientation Adviser) doing various activities with their groups.  These were ice-breakers, getting to know you types of activities and every group I saw looked like they were having fun.   You could tell that the OA's really cared about their group.  

After the first meeting, we then had Department meetings and these were very informative and gave you a chance to meet other families of students in the same Major School.  As luck would have it, I did meet two other parents whose kids are in the Motion Picture Science program.  We ended up having lunch together, attended the afternoon financial workshop together and then sat together for the Convocation Ceremony.  We have exchanged contact info so we can keep in touch - very comforting.

This afternoon, we witnessed an RIT tradition- the Tiger Walk.  Each OA group walked in to the Activities Center and filled in the rows of chairs, while all  family members tried to spot their kid- a near impossible task when you have 2200 freshman all wearing brown RIT shirts.  Of course, in the stands were all the families- most of them wearing Orange RIT shirts...I never did see Michael, but later learned that he really was sitting close to where I was.   A lot of welcome speeches by the President, Dean and a few others - again the strong message of family.   Once this was done, I had a text message from Michael with his location and we met up and spent the remaining two hours together.

We did run into his roommate, his friend and their families.  Got to meet his grandparents, who had just arrives for a special alumni dinner with incoming freshman who qualify.  David's grandfather is a grad from RIT's class of 1955!  Before we went our separate ways, Nancy (David's mom) told Michael that if he ever needed anything to feel free to call them, that he is now family as far as they were concerned.   (let's open up the flood gates now....)   But see- just wonderful people.  We are so blessed to have these types of people put in our lives.   Thank you God!

Michael & I sat around outside, ate ice cream, chit chatted.  Had him tell me about his day and I shared some of my experiences of the day and valuable information that I had learned and then it was time for him to head back to his dorm to get ready for his next meeting.  We walked until he was almost at the dorms and then said our goodbyes-  I did start to cry before I could get a single word out...I seriously HATE goodbyes!   But I did manage to tell him how proud he has made all of us and told him to make sure he has fun in college, to get involved, to have experiences, to live.  Told him that I loved him and then left.   He told me that he loved me too, we hugged and then he said, "I'll see you online"...he is a Facebook stalker- one of those who is there and looks, but hardly ever comments.  Hopefully, that will change now that he's across the country!

Now it is time to get some sleep, early morning  - flight in 8 hours, so yes, must sleep NOW!
It's been a long, trying, emotional week- I can't wait to get home and snuggle with my hubby!

The Three Amigos (Michael, Jeff, David)

 My handsome Nephew a few hours before I had to leave!

Butterflies.....

I no longer have butterflies in my stomach with Michael going away to college.   I have been so nervous, thinking of all the "what ifs".  What if he and his roommate don't like each other, what if he hates the college once he's there, what if, what if, what if.   Well, today was "move in" day and we started it exhausted from the long travel day and two nights of minimal sleep.   The check-in process was very smooth, very organized and while we were waiting our turn to "drop" the stuff, I asked him if he was nervous at all, "no", if he was excited "ya, sort of"- just all matter of fact replies.  I thought to myself- why should he be nervous- I've got that emotion covered!

Once I dropped him and his stuff, then parked and shuttled myself back to the dorm- he had already gone to town and put all his clothes away, was making his bed, arranging everything on his desk.  He was really "into this".   I met his roommate David and his family:  Nancy (mom), Tim (dad) and Jessica (sister)- a very nice family and I could tell right away that David and Michael were going to hit if off- I was already seeing it.    Then we learn that David's best friend Jeff is also at R.I.T. and they purposely did not room together so that they could meet new people and cross-introduce friends.  How mature is that?    Of course, Jeff and Michael hit it off as well and I am already seeing  "the three amigos".   (we were all walking to the Resource Fair - shown below)  Jeff's parents (Sandy & Carl were also very nice people)

Once we were all unpacked, we headed to the Resource Fair - a place to get the Student ID, open bank accounts with local banks, make sure the health center has all required information, check out job opportunities on campus, etc.  Once we were done with that, we had lunch, went to the bookstore and got those nasty, expensive things ($350!) and then went to dinner with the entire group of our new friends.  At dinner, I noticed that Michael, David and Jeff really had no idea that we were there, they were so into their conversation with each other.

Today, I got to witness Michael spreading his wings.  He is grown up, he has been for quite sometime, but today it just sort of hit me.   He's 19 and a Freshman in college and he has left home.  WOW!    Of course, today there were many times that I had to introduce myself as "Aunt Pam" and after awhile, I just stopped correcting people who would assume I was his mother.  Like my sister said- for all intents and purposes...sigh.    Over dinner tonight, Nancy asked me what happened to Michael's mother, I don't think she expected to hear that his mother has chosen to not be a part of his life.   I have a very hard time telling people this without getting tears in my eyes.  

I really think that David's parents are pleased with Michael as his roommate.  They are so well matched- they both like the room cold, they both go to bed early, they have similar interests in computers, lights/sound and they are both Lutheran.  It was really awesome to see them in the "getting to know you" process.  

Tonight I met the President of R.I.T. and attended a meeting for families.  It was very informative and you just really left with a good feeling.  A feeling that tells you that your kid is in a good, safe environment.  Although, I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye tomorrow night, I do feel that I can leave and know that Michael is just fine and that he's going to do fabulously in college.  What an adventure for him, what an experience - SUPER proud and excited "Ahn-eee"  (that's how Michael first said my name 17 years ago).

David & Michael, showing 1/2 the dorm room...it's really quite large.

ID card! 

Reflections.....& Goodbyes...

It is now "college eve", as much as I've been excited for Michael to go away to college, I have found myself getting teary-eyed often these past few days just thinking of him going away and thinking of the "good-bye" scene that will happen when I leave and come home.  I have NEVER been good at good-byes and I am seriously going to miss that kid!    Last night I printed the booklets that tell us what our schedules will be for the next few days - tried to see where we overlap and where we have our own activities for Orientation.  It looks like my good-bye will be 7pm Thursday night.  He has Resident Hall meetings from 7-10pm and I fly home at 8am Friday.

I've had many discussions with my brother lately and he is really going to have a tough time letting his first born go.  I totally get it.  Michael is a great kid, a fantastic son and such a bright young man with such an exciting future ahead of him.  We are all so excited for him, so proud of him and probably a little jealous of him at the same time because he gets to do something we never did - going away to college.   Just the thought scares me and that is why I didn't go away to college.  It's a huge step.   It takes a mature young man to make this decision to move that far away from home.

I had posted on something yesterday and made a comment of how I've been getting teary-eyed this week and how "I'm not even the mom".  Today my sister emailed me to let me know that "for all intents and purposes, I am the mom and we're both lucky".   I am lucky that I've been able to be a mother role for Michael these past years - a natural fit since I don't have kids and in reality he doesn't have a mother - his "real mother" doesn't seem to give a rats ass and that still really bothers me.   I just don't get how a parent can give birth and then desert their child - how does that happen?  how is that acceptable in ones mind?   Ugh.

It's 10pm and my brother and nephew are still washing all the linens and such to pack for our trip- we only leave the house in 8 hours, but whose counting!    Gee, who suggested that stuff be washed a week ago?   Pam the planner!

Well, looking forward to the next couple of days-- it's going to be fun!

Let the fun begin!

We are going to have a few remodeling projects going on at our house in the coming year.  My brother's idea to help boost our property value and "pay rent" while he is living with us.  It's a win-win and I'm starting to get pretty excited about this.    We are going to start with the Master Bathroom and he wants to have it done before Christmas.  Well, now that we just made plans to fly to Connecticut at the end of October for my cousin Jamie's wedding, that is a perfect time to demo the bathroom and get a lot of work done while we are gone.  What does this all mean?  It means that now I need to start thinking about cabinets, tiles, granite or other types of counters.  Ultimately, fun stuff but I am not so good at doing this sort of thing.   It's going to be a fun task that will be a huge headache.  

We need to figure out the layout of our cabinets really soon though so that his cabinet guy can start building them.  My brother has ideas and I do trust his recommendations--he knows bathrooms and kitchens and knows how to make them fabulous!   I wouldn't entrust anyone else to do these projects in my home- so I really am excited.

I am also excited that we are going to get a cabinet unit in the garage to replace the make-shift pantry that we have, it's going to be so awesome and it will have a built in shoe rack for Bill's shoes and also a built in wine rack so we don't have to have cases sitting in the garage!  Really going to be nice once that is done.  This will be done before or at the same time as the Master Bathroom.

Early 2013, the hallway bathroom (a.k.a. Bill's bathroom that is now the Harper bathroom) will get a complete remodel and i'm told that it should not be a mirror copy of the Master- gee that would be so simple, but guess we have to change it up to have better resale appeal.   And then by summer, we should be looking at a new kitchen remodel- that's going to be a biggie and perhaps the most exciting part of the plan.  This will have to incorporate some remodeling of the living room since we'll have to remove the popcorn on the ceiling and will have to decide upon new carpets or go with wood or laminant throughout the downstairs..the carpet is looking really bad and we do have some areas that need replacing- it may just be easier to go the wood route.

Hoping that this really raises our value..somehow I think once these projects are all done, I'm going to want to paint the house and put in air conditioning.  Now I just need to sell lots of trips so I can finance these projects.  HA ha ha!   At least they are spread out over time...!

Still exhausted and looking forward to the weekend!  Yes, I realize that it is only Monday - well technically after midnight, so it's Tuesday- woo hoo!

I think the last two weekends and all the mileage & driving that I've done have fit me to be tied!   This past weekend was a Birthday weekend, two celebrations - my nephew Michael's 19th birthday party/Going away to college party in Walnut Creek and then my Great Niece MacKenzie's 1st birthday in Fairfield.   A lot of time on the road, although not nearly as much as the previous weekend going to Redding.  Today, I was just DONE.  I kept trying to get motivated to do some work, but I really did very little today, I wanted to just crawl into bed and take a nap but never really had the time to do it.

I flutzed around between my 7am class and my 1pm appointment to take mom in for an X-ray on her foot.  Once we finished that and I took her home, changed her bandage, got gas and went to the bank it was almost 3pm and then I needed to go with my brother to the H.S. District Office to prove that he lives with me right now so that his son can go to Woodside HS this year.  Got home and by then it was almost 430pm- my quitting time (sort of).   I brought work down to the couch but have not lifted a finger.  Scanned through a few catalogs and magazines while watching the Giants kick some Dodger butt and that was about all I had energy for.

I think I am emotionally drained.  Yesterday in Fairfield, my ex-mother in law Joyce was asking about my mom and how she was doing and I had to really bring her up to speed on everything that has transpired this year.   I mentioned that my mom was smoking again, not sure how much but that she was and I expressed how much that pissed me off.   Joyce had the opinion of, "she's 83, let her do what she wants" and I just about came unglued and explained over and over again that "no you don't get it- she is in the condition she is in right now because of smoking and she has been through hell this year and I've turned my life upside-down to help her this year, it's like a slap in the face for her to smoke now after all of this."   I let out a lot of anger and a lot of disgust that I've let build up because I really am pissed off that mom has picked up cigarettes again and although I know I can't control her and she's going to do what she wants- the reality of things is that I am not prepared nor do I want to be prepared to "clean up after that mess" when she lands herself in the hospital again - maybe next time losing her foot or leg because of circulation issues from smoking.   It's one thing to be supportive when one's parent's health declines naturally, but for it to happen because of willful acts like smoking......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!    Poor Joyce, she really got an earful and of course she is sitting there smoking while I'm going through my rampage...it was very surprising to me that she did have that attitude because she lost her mom a few years ago and it was not pretty- her mom lost a toe, then a foot, then a leg up to the knees and then the other leg started to go.  She was Diabetic- but even so I don't care if you're a smoker or Diabetic- in either case you can do things to CHANGE your lifestyle to stop these health issues.  You can reverse the effects, the knowledge is there, yet people still self-destruct.  Sigh.

Mom's mood swings lately have been crazy- which I think may also be an indication of smoking and/or having smoked and now going through withdrawals again since I have been grilling her and reminding her of the reality called loss of limb and portable oxygen tanks if she continues to smoke.  She swears that she isn't smoking and maybe her nasty attitude confirms that- sort of like a dry drunk, but the non-smokers wishing she could smoke version.  Who knows.  I just know that I need to come to some sort of peace about this so I can move on because it is weighing heavily on my shoulders right now and I am feeling the stress of it all.  I wonder if my daily bandage changes are for nothing, if she is smoking are these wounds not healing like they should because of that- I just don't know.

She is making some friends that she is starting to talk about..she has her two lady friends who also go to breakfast on the later side of the morning,  Geri and Sara or Sally (can't remember).  Then she seems to have a following at bingo- she is the candy pusher and now has a flock of men who sit with her at bingo- we have Floyd, Boyd, Lloyd & Richard and I swear I did not make up the three rhyming names.  But they all seem to enjoy the candy she brings to bingo which she shares and if that has been the ice breaker for her to make friends, then YAY!  Today she said she might try the painting class on Thursday, so she does sort of "try" from time to time.  But one day she tries, the next day it's the "I should have died last year" bullshit.  And then days like today- we get both moods...she was cranky after her bandage change and then after winning twice at bingo and spending time with her gentlemen friends she was all happy and talking about painting class.  No wonder I'm exhausted!

Speaking of exhausted....good night moon.

19 Years Old!

Today, my nephew Michael turns 19!   This got me to thinking of the next few years and all the monumental "digit flipping" that will be going on.   First of all, this is his last year as a teenager...next year 20- yikes!   Time seems to have this way of just flying by and it's getting worse every year- quicker and quicker.   This year we have two "50's" to celebrate- my in-laws will be celebrating 50 years of marriage in October and my friend Pam turns 50 also in October- she starts the roll.  Another 50th birthday in December for Bruce and then next year his wife Linda turns 40!  Also, for next year- my sister's 60th,  best friend's hubby Mike turns 50,  I have a 30th High School reunion...and then 2014 Bill turns 50 and Michael turns 21!   These celebrations will all be here before we know it.  It's sort of scary.

I'm still a little unsettled though that I have a 19 year old nephew- all of the pictures of the cute little boy, they seem like just yesterday.   Crazy but blessed that I've been able to be a part of his life and watch him grow up.  He's an amazing young man and he's going to be very successful with whatever he chooses to do with his life.

I am so SORE!!!  After 13 days of no activity, I am back to teaching.  I taught Body Pump yesterday and then today subbed Spin and taught my Tuesday night Body Pump.    Although I've enjoyed teaching all three classes and getting back into my fitness teaching groove, my Tuesday night class is special.  I think I finally figured it out after reading Kristy's blog last night and her attachment to her Tuesday class- this was my first class for Body Pump with me getting back to teaching the format.   When I took over the class, they were getting 8-10 people per week, we now get a minimum of 15, but almost always close to 20 people and at times a full house up to 24 or more if they use non-Body Pump equipment.

I received such a warm welcome tonight.  Everyone was so excited to see me back, eager to hear about my vacation, but happy to just have me back leading them through an awesome workout.  I had several come up to me afterwards and thank me for a great class and a long conversation with another member saying how great it feels to be pushed to her limits and encouraged to find new limits.  WOW!   I feel the same about them, they make me be better, they make me push harder for them.  It's a pretty cool feeling- we are all in this together.  We are a team, we are one tribe.  

I am back to my normal weights again, darn near killed me yesterday and today my quads were screaming- so naturally I told them to SHUT UP!   I am very happy to report that my cranky elbow is not cranky, although it is still wise to ice up after a workout.  Like the Chiropractor said, baseball players ice after each game as preventative, so I get it.  My foot, well I still need to see the P.T. and I will get to that, so for now I do lunges with no weights so that I can still give them some range - my left foot just hurts when lunging.

Travel work has been very busy but I made great progress today, so tomorrow I am working until 1030am and then I'm cutting out for the day to see the Giants play.  Very excited that I found someone to go with me, my High School buddy Marion is going to join me and I think it'll be a blast!   The boys in Orange & Black better win if I'm taking the day off to see them play!   Hoping to go dancing tomorrow night- Country Get Down Wednesday is having DJ only this week, which has great appeal to me- that means non-stop good line dancing music and I am going through withdrawals for dancing.  I'm overdue and I need to see how my foot behaves.  Wednesdays are a bit  more low key, so I think I can wear my dance athletic shoes with my inserts to help protect my foot. Need to get back in the dance groove.

Mom is doing pretty well.  I think the infection on her ankle and leg are doing better.  I have been changing the bandages daily and she is on the heavy duty antibiotics and they seems to be doing the trick.  I am keeping a close eye because her Doctor is on vacation in France, so nothing can go wrong while she is gone and we really need this to heal so mom doesn't lose the foot.  Good Lord- that cannot happen.   Mom goes through her ups and downs- one day she's depressed and the next she seems to be happy.  It's a very hard adjustment for her and I need to see what I can do to get her out into the bigger community that is Redwood City and St Pius Church.  Get her connected to others.  I am starting to get a little afraid of what will happen when baseball season is over because mom looks forward to the games and when she doesn't have those games to listen to, what is she going to do with her time?   I know she is most upset about losing her freedom, her ability to go out and drive to her coffee shop, etc.  I did ask her if she wanted to try to drive in Redwood City instead of selling her car and she said that she was ready to give up driving.   Sigh.

Life at the Horst House with our extended family is going pretty well.  Right now my brother and nephews are away for a short vacation in Tahoe and a much needed escape for all of them.  I am happy that the three of them have this chance to go away and do something as a family and leave all the stresses of everyday life behind them here in Redwood City.  Also a good time for my brother to recover from his surgery.  From the text messages I've been receiving, it sounds like they are having a great time.  In just two weeks we lose one of them to college.  I'm starting to get a little nervous for Michael, very nervous for my brother (this is going to be very tough on him), but also a bit sad for me- I'm going to miss that kid, but on the other hand so incredibly proud of him and excited for his new adventure to college.  This weekend we will celebrate Michael's birthday (19 already!) and his going away to college party...my sister will be hosting, so it will be nice to just be a guest.    I think it is safe to say that our house guests will be with up long term.  My brother has a plan and Bill & I stand to benefit in the long run and it's really not that bad having them here with us.  You learn to adapt pretty quickly and the bottom line - we have lost a bit of freedom in our home, they have lost so much more.  I continue to be amazed by my brother and how he can remain faithful, hopeful and optimistic.  He is typically a very negative person, but he is trying to turn things around and is realizing that things happen for a reason.

Now off to bed for me, I still can't seem to go to bed early.  Sigh.   House is too darn quiet, I usually have a few Harpers up at this hour with me.

Exhausted- how is this possible?

Back from vacation...a vacation where I slept a good 8+ hours every day!   It was a restful vacation, we really didn't do anything but lounge around for 7 days.  Well, scratch that- we did hotel tours for one full day.  But other than that, we were vegetables.   I tried to read a book, got all of 40 pages accomplished- just was not feeling it.  I brought two Body Pump mixes with me to review choreography and never took it out of my bag.    I did do some work though- I checked emails everyday 1-2 times and had  a few trips that I had to work on, but it was all good.    But it really was a resting vacation, all the way up until the last hour.  I was floating in the pool until an hour before our ride was picking us up.

It could not have been planned any better, our friends had their villa so once we checked out, we simply transferred our stuff and selves to their place to hang out for a few hours until our ride picked us up.  It was perfect, no rushing, no wondering how to kill time.  We got to enjoy friends who are more like family and the warm sunshine for just a few more hours.

This was a very nice vacation (except for the mosquito bites), but really a great time with the best of friends.  I did have a chance on the last day to tell my BFF that I did not appreciate her candidness about my dress while on vacation.  She tried to defend herself that she is honest and bold and that she will tell it like it is, but I reminded her that it's vacation, a time when nobody wants to hear that "stuff".  Her mom chimed in and called her a meanie too.   I made my point.  I'm all for honesty and my friends being able to be truthful with me, but there is a time and place and vacation is not one of them. 

I had decent sleep last night and a fairly busy day today and really should not be tired, but I have so much more to get done and a pile of work staring at me that I have absolutely no motivation to attack.  My brain is still on vacation mode and not wanting to return to reality.  I guess coming back to two work days before the weekend is partially to blame for this.   I'd like to think I have the weekend to catch up, but I don't.  We'll be spending 10 hours on the road, roundtrip for my niece, Sammi's wedding.  I can't believe I have a niece getting married already- but she is and I'm looking forward to it, except not looking forward to the 107 temps expected on wedding day! 

I feel weird that I have not worked out for so long..I am missing the activity, but also enjoying the down time too.  Tonight Matt who agreed to sub for me later this month when I move Michael to college posted "sub needed" because now he has his own Tuesday night class and I almost replied that I could sub- WTH?  I almost jumped at the chance to sub a class and then realized it was mine and I couldn't!  LOL   I am looking forward to Monday to get back in the Body Pump saddle and then have to plan my workouts.  I did some swimming yesterday in the plunge pool and it felt wonderful- just had to get into my breathing groove and it was on!   I think I'm going to make a concerted effort to make it to the pool 3 times a week and get my cardio on that way while my foot still heals. 

Off to bed I go,  TGIF, but I must make it a productive one! 

Today was a better day...

I woke up today initially wanting to throw in the towel.  I was half considering changing our return fight and going home early.  Who does this?  Someone who was fed up, sick & tired of being breakfast, lunch, dinner and every snack to every mosquito in Cabo!   I was almost beside myself in tears and got as far as checking flights home sooner and emailing the transfer company.    I slept like a mummy last night with the sheet wrapped around me so that I didn't have any flesh exposed..so what happens around 9am, I have a flippin' mosquito buzzing in my ear!  I started to swat blindly out of my slumber and I think I actually got him, based on the spot of blood on the sheet, but never found the carcass!   Just very frustrating- I have literally about 60 bites on my arms, legs and back...a good 30 of them on one arm!  I look like I have a disease.  I've spoken to a lot of other guests and many people are complaining of the same thing.  I heard tonight of an infant who was plagues with bites- how terrible for that little one!  I can't even imagine!  Fortunately, Baby Brooklyn has not had any bites!

So I did some work, checked emails because it is Monday.  Then I did some research.  What are some natural remedies for mosquito bites and prevention thereof!  I discovered the lavendar and eucalyptus are two scents that mosquitoes don't like.  After a wonderful day poolside, we went by the spa this evening and bought lavender lotion and eucalyptus oils.   So far, so good. 

We had our great waiter, Andres by the pool again today.  Although, today his boss was around so he had to be discreet in serving us, but in the end we paid for very little- which was nice.  We tip him well.   It was a beautiful day - we then finished the evening with a quiet evening of leftovers at the Villa with everyone and when we got back to the room I took a luxurious bubble bath.  I LOVE the fact that this resort has a great but AND they give you bubble bath!!!   It's one of those peak-a-boo tubs into the bedroom, so I could still watch the movie that Bill was watching from bed- only thing missing was the glass of wine!

Been catching up on work ever since and plan to hit the hay very soon here.  We have been sleeping in quite a bit, but I want to hit the pool earlier tomorrow.  I have a feeling that the gang may hang out at the main pool and we'd like to spend our last day with everyone, but also want to visit our buddy Andres at the Sky Pool as well!   It also has the best infinity pool view!

Overall life is pretty good.  I am blessed beyond belief with great family and friends.  I have two careers that complete me.  I have the love of the most wonderful man in the world.  But I can't help but sit here in Cabo and feel a bit on the unhappy side.  I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now.  I feel fat, I am fat, I don't look cute in my clothes, I don't look good in my bikini's at all and the cute belly button rings- well we won't even go there. 

I have always struggled with my weight, it is always a sore subject with me.  I battle over and over again and even when I was my skinniest and I knew that I looked good, there was still that fat girl in my head who couldn't always see the skinny, couldn't see the fit person that I was.  It's crazy the emotional scars that never, ever really leave us.  "Us" meaning "fat people".   I knew going into this Cabo vacation that I was not the weight I had hoped I would be.  Back in January in Hawaii, I felt pretty good- I had lost about 30 pounds and had plans to lose another 20 by the time Cabo rolled around- a good 6 months later.  Realistic goal.  But then life happened three days after returning from Hawaii and my life has been in disarray ever since.  I have not been taking care of me, not for a long time.   Over the course of the 6 months, I gained 20 instead of losing them.

I'm not one to make excuses and I'm not one to be whiner, but I am very frustrated because I am an active  person.   However, my cardio has been seriously lacking and I feel a bit helpless because of my injuries.  My foot is a big issue and it doesn't take much before pain sets in, so walking and dancing are things I've had great difficulty with.  I'm not teaching spin anymore- just subbing from time to time- so I was at least getting that one time per week.

Our first pool day on vacation, I was going over some of the pictures taken and asked for a few of me to be deleted or seriously cropped- not flattering at all.  And there have been a few conversations with my bestie that she has initiated about my weight gain and although I know she means well, she seems to have all the answers and I returned back to our room tonight feeling like I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  I still feel like crying.   I thought I looked pretty good tonight in one of my sundresses and then she had suggestions of how to make it more flattering- which of course is basically saying it didn't look good the way I was wearing it.    I know that I responded on the defensive, be it right or wrong - but I just couldn't wait to get out of there.   I know what I need to do, I know what worked for me in the past, I just have to do it and try to find some exercise that I can do to help burn the calories.  I'm certainly not happy looking the way I do, I have got to get back on the weight loss track when I return from vacation.  It just wasn't something that I needed to be reminded of while on vacation.  This is my chance to escape from life and try to leave all issues behind.

Ay Carumba!!!

What a couple of crazy weeks it has been.  I'm feeling very overwhelmed- the typical overwhelming feeling that always precedes a vacation.  I'm so happy that I got a jump start and prepaid all the bills last weekend in anticipation- guess I am learning something!    Hoping that I can get a lot done tomorrow because this weekend is filled with fun, birthday celebrations!   Planning on dancing Friday night and then Saturday after my Body Pump class it's time to get ready for Brooklyn's 2nd Birthday Party- I have an appetizer to make, a cake to pick up and balloons.  We plan to get there about an hour early so that the appetizer can bake and we can put up some of the decorations.   Brooklyn's mommy has been overwhelmed with getting everything in order for vacation as well, so I jumped in to help on the party front!   Sunday is my brother's birthday and we will have a day at the yard and hopefully the Giants will deliver on a Dodger-kicking WIN, in fact it would be wonderful if Sunday was a "Sweep"!   One game at a time.  Let's go Giants.  I have got such a good feeling about this season!  Chills.

My elbow is MUCH better and I taught almost a normal load on Tuesday night and it did not flare up.  Still seeing the Chiropractor and getting my laser treatments, seems to be helping.  I am pretty stoked that I will have 12 days off of teaching.  I will miss it, but I think it's just what I need to fully recover - it's going to hurt like heck to get back into the groove.  I plan to swim everyday on vacation, I need to make sure I do something.  This won't be a dancing vacation and it will probably be too hot to go for walks- and of course my foot is not so agreeable to that.  Still need to set up the Physical Therapy and I will focus on that when I get back from vacation.

I am really looking forward to the down time in Cabo.  Fun times with the best of friends.  We have vacationed with Diane & Mike and we have vacationed with Janet & previous boyfriend, but never with both of my adopted sisters!   It's going to be a blast and I can't wait!   Scott is such a great fit with the family and all of the kids get along, it's really going to be a wonderful time.   It will do me some good to get away from my blood family.  The house situation is going pretty well, but it will just be nice for Bill & I to have our own space for a week with a beautiful ocean view.

While we are gone, my brother will have his surgery and it's time for his kids to take care of him.  I just hope and pray that they have taken notes of how I've taken care of my mom these past months so that they step up to the plate and help to take care of their dad so that he can fully recover.   After lots of investigation and some wonderful, compassionate medical professionals- my brother will be able to have this surgery for approximately $4K out the door.  Very crazy when you consider that the friggin' insurance companies wanted him to have tests that would have cost him $2k+ in order to get insurance and then he would have paid close to $4K in one year to be insured.  There is definitely a lot wrong with our health care system- or as I have called it the health "uncare" system.   In any case, I am very happy that he will finally be able to get this done and get back to feeling well and able to focus on his work afterwards.  Things are going to start looking up for him and this is the start.  

My mom is doing pretty well on the recovery front.  She has gotten out of her slipper and is now wearing a real shoe on the amputated toe foot.   Her leg is still swollen a bit, but it is getting better and this is normal for post-surgery.  She still has a bit of cellulitis on her leg and ankle and today Dr. Gillon was a bit concerned with the sore on the ankle..it is getting dangerously close to exposing the bone, which would not be good - I don't even want to say it, but that could lead to a full foot amputation.  For now, we are going to try to keep it clean and dry so that it can heal.   Mom is depressed and not super happy at her new home.  She is bored, she doesn't feel like she belongs there and this is very hard for me to deal with.  I am sort of out of understanding and out of compassion at this point.   Today I discovered that she has smoked recently- not sure how much, I'd have to guess somewhere between 1-5 cigarettes.  Seemed she bummed a smoke off of a worker in the parking lot at Woodside Terrace.  I will definitely be complaining about this because these people should not be smoking on the property at all, it's a smoke free environment.   I gave her HELL about this.  I just don't get it.   she did take a walk across the street to 7-11 twice this past week. She was oh so proud of herself and I am proud that she got out, that she walked across the street.   She has lost so much that I just hope & pray that she doesn't self destruct.  

I have suggested that she get some therapy, but of course she says she doesn't need it.  I really don't know what to do.  I did tell her that if her actions of abuse put her back in the hospital that I was done, someone else would have to take care of her and visit her and do everything for her.  I've done all that I'm going to do for someone who puts them self into that condition.  Of course, easier said than done, but I am hoping that I scared her enough that she realizes what is important.   I have to just toss up my hands and hope and pray for the best.  I just don't get it though, I realize smoking is an addiction and most people have to hit rock bottom before they decide to change their ways.   Seriously, has she not hit rock bottom this year?   With all she's been through, how is that not motivation enough to do the right thing to stay out of hospitals, to stay away from pain, to stay away from future circulation issues and medical problems.   I told her tonight that she should think really hard about her "friend" (cigarette) and to remember that this "friend" will introduce her to another friend that will never leave (the tank of oxygen) that she'll have to keep by her side forever if she continues to smoke.  I hope that I put the fear into her.    Hoping the Dr Gillon will also scare her about the potential loss of limb if she smokes.

Additional stress- trying to sell mom's car.  The first person interested decided the car was too small and I'm waiting on two others to let me know their thoughts.  If no bites from them, I will advertise on Craigs List when we return from Mexico.  No point in doing this now before we go.  Then need to figure out the house.  We might actually have two interested parties to rent, but need to figure out the timeline of getting the house cleaned out and sell what furniture that we can, get rid of the piano and then decide if we are going to rent or sell.   Yikes, too much going on, too too much!    I've had three people mumble the word "Christmas" in the last week and I'm about to reply "Bah Humbug" because I really can't think about it, but I did buy 3 gifts online today!

One Life I'm Going to Live it UP!

Don't sweat the small stuff...
Yep, that is my motto and something that I am going to strive towards in my day to day focus.   I seem to have so many random thoughts these days and I think that the experiences, trials and tribulations that 2012 has brought to my life this year has made me really gain perspective on what is really important.   Health, family, friends- those are the things that mean the most.   If someone doesn't make time for you, why should you make time for them?   If you don't have your health, you really are limited with the quality of life you can live- so take care of yourself, embrace it and live it!   You can't pick your family, but bottom line- they are your family and you must stick by them through thick & thin.   All very important lessons in life.

Several homeowners in my complex have been reporting "parking issues" and I am on the Board, but in name only.  I did not run the last election but we only had one person get elected with three spots to fill, so two of us stayed on the board even though we have served countless, thankless years!  We've been running things minimally- doing what must get done, but we don't have the time or bandwidth to do the job and we have admitted this over and over again.  Why can't we get people to step up- they all have the excuses, "I'm too busy", "I have too much going on right now", "I can't" - seriously?  So it's ok that by default two of us stay on the board against our will - but we have the same reasons why we can't and don't want to be and we've already served plenty of years.  It just drives me crazy and some of the complainers are the same ones who want nothing to do with being on the board.  I feel like saying, if you want change then run for the board and see if you can make it happen.   In any case, I did reply to an email tonight and my reply was three voices, one as a homeowner, one as a director on the board and one has a neighbor/human being.   As I re-read my email before sending it, I just felt very reflective and could really see how this year has impacted the way I deal with things.   I honestly don't give a rats ass that parking is being violated because there are so many more important things in the world, in life that deserve attention.  We will never have a perfect guest parking space solution for this complex- we have 27 units and 9 extra spaces and about 80% of the units have more than 2 cars.  Guests are temporary, homeowners are permanent and parking is scarce - it is what it is.   Two years ago, this issue would have brought me great stress, now I really don't give a damn!   People should learn to grow up and follow the rules - how hard is that?  But no, we live in the entitlement era where people think following the rules doesn't apply to them.  I knowingly and purposefully broke the parking rules for about 2 weeks!  Yes, I did- I am such the rebel!   When my brother, nephews, kitty and 3 of the 4 vehicles they own moved in they took up 3 guest parking spots and my attitude?  "Hell, I don't care park there until someone says something- everyone else is breaking the rules and have for years- I've lived here 10 years and have never broken the rule, it's about time I do!"   And as soon as someone complained two weeks ago, my brother moved one car out to the street and the other to Redeemer's parking lot.  We still made modifications that others have not made.

Health- I am getting smarter on this front.  My tennis elbow is getting better.  I've been getting some major painful beatings from the chiropractor, but he is seeing improvement (so am I, but I notice the bruises more)..but I have been religiously icing and heating the elbow twice a day and doing my stretches that he gave me.  I decided to get a sub for my class tomorrow night as this would enable me to have 5 days off of Body Pump teaching which breaks my heart, but I'd rather miss one class than be benched for the season!   The sucky thing is that this tennis elbow can recur at any time, so I'm just going to have to be careful and watch what I do so that I don't aggravate things!  

My mom is doing pretty well, she has her good days which seem to be many, but then she has those few days that are not so good and damn I think they take a worse toll on me than they do on her.  She gets so depressed about her apartment is not her house and she doesn't have her car and she should have died last year and blah blah blah blah.   I could see that attitude if she was bed-ridden and in constant pain, but damn she has a good shot at a pretty decent life right now.  She just has to embrace it and I get so mad when she talks like that.  I mean seriously- she has been almost to the dark side and has made it back.  Bill is starting to get a complex because the last two times that he visited her, she was in this "funk"- so he's starting to think it has something to do with him!  It doesn't, but the luck of timing...actually I think it's more related to the weekends.  They are quieter around Woodside Terrace, I think more families come and visit and take their parents/grandparents out or away for the day and the activities are fewer.   I need to think about doing something for her on weekends or find some activities for her to embrace.  I have been trying to keep the weekends as "Pam & Bill" time since I can go see her during the week often.   My brother spent most of Saturday with her, but sadly I think that just helps to depress her even more because as much as she has lost (her home, her car, etc.)- he has lost more.   When you compare- she has an apartment with all her stuff, her furniture, her gadgets.  She has money to buy a few fun things, she's doing pretty well. He on the other hand is living with us for now until he gets his settlement from the trustee..and even then who knows what will happen.  Surgery has to be a priority for him and getting insurance has been problematic, so he's probably going to have to just pay the cash to get healthy.  We have no idea what money will be left and which plan he can follow for rebuilding.

I count my blessings everyday because you just never know when things will change.  When the wind decides to blow the other direction.  I have been reminded of my Senior Yearbook quote several times tonight- some commercial on TV has been playing the Judas Priest song, "You've got another thing coming"- well it starts out "One life, I'm going to live it up" - THAT was the closing line of my yearbook quote.  The start of the quote was "Life is just a fantasy, can you live this fantasy life".  Interesting to reflect back upon that - gee am I starting to get nostalgic now that the 30th reunion will be happening next year???? Eeek!  I'm NOT that old!

But the bottom line- we only have one life and we need to live it up!

Body Repair in Progress....

Ok, so maybe teaching 14 Body Pump classes in 11 days wasn't the brightest idea I've had.  Seriously, I had not paid that close attention when I agreed to sub all of these classes, but it has taken it's toll on my body.   I am on the road to recovery though- had a much needed massage yesterday and that made me feel about 70% better and then today I saw the Chiropractor for a long overdue adjustment (it's been a month) and that felt wonderful!   I decided to be brave and ask Dr. Matteo about my elbow and get his opinion and he confirmed that it's Tennis Elbow and proceeded to give me some stretching exercises to do, along with icing and then he "treated" the elbow/forearm and whoa- what pain!!!  He put crazy pressure on my arm in various spots while I was told to flex and unflex my hand at the wrist.  But I have to say that it already feels better.  I have an arm band to wear while I teach and will go to see him again on Friday.  My teaching schedule is settling down a bit with just 1 class Friday and 2 on Saturday.  Thursday and Sunday are days of rest!

This is step one in the mission called "taking care of ME".  Time to get my body back to 100%.  Tomorrow's work will be calling the PT's and setting up the appointments to work on my foot.  It has not hurt much lately- a slight twinge during lunges, but other than that it's been ok.  I have not been doing any of the "triggers" if I can help it at all- so we have not been dancing since Vegas and I have not gone walking in well over a month.   Both of these activities need to return to my life, so PT is the answer for now and hopefully I can get the foot to cooperate without drastic measures.  

My Body is CRANKY!!

I'm not even sure what hurts more...my shoulder, elbow, knees...it all hurts--the result of 14 Classes, mostly Body Pump in 10 days...in fact I think it's 1 spin and 13 Body Pump classes.  Even though I've not been going full with my weights on some classes in an effort to "self-protect"- I think today I hit my limit.  But I am having so much FUN!    The funny part of this is that my cranky toe is not hurting...but I kinda think so much of my body hurts because I'm compensating in an effort not to aggravate the stupid toe.    So I did a very smart thing and made an appointment for a massage tomorrow at 11am- it's a luxury to do this in the middle of the work day- but I NEED it!   I am also going to try to swing by the chiropractor my my way between Spin and the Massage.   I am exhausted and I know that is part of the problem also- need the sleep to let the body heal and rejuvenate - I will be hitting the hay very early tonight (early for me)!   The week is still young as I have 2 classes tomorrow and then 3 more through Saturday!

I have been getting some really great feedback in my classes this past week.  The new release is getting great reviews overall and Saturday I had three new pumpers- they all came up to talk to me after class and said how much they enjoyed it.  Comments like "I never knew I could lift that much" and "I can't believe how fast the time went by, the class was so much fun"- those comments just make me beam ear to ear!    Today I subbed at the JCC for Lloyd. Now Lloyd is an industry veteran and very well respected by members and peers alike.  One of his participants came up to me afterwards and said that he's taken many instructors and that while Lloyd will always be his favorite, I had just moved into the #2 spot for him.   WOW- I was totally flattered by that compliment!   Then I had another participant tell me that she wasn't liking BP82 much until today and she complimented me on having the correct beat of the music and said that I hit every start and every stop to the music perfectly.   Just made for a wonderful day in the fitness world!

I am finally ready (I think) to jump start my own fitness and get things in order on the ME front.  I feel as though life is somewhat settling down.  Mom is settled at Woodside Terrace and starting to LIVE life.  She is very independent- even more than she was prior to 2/3 when this years ordeal all began.   Things with my brother are starting to shape up...just a few more things to fall into place for him, but really nothing for me to do about it.  It just has to be what will be.   I do have some things to tend to for mom like getting her car sold and then we (the family) need to gather all data to determine if it is better to rent or sell her house.  So I am going to start scheduling my own workouts in- I still need to get the physical therapy on my foot- I've sort of been avoiding that in the hopes that things would repair on their own and I really don't want to burn the cash to do it either.  Sigh.    But I do need to lose this damn weight.  It's so frustrating, I know that I've been dealing with circumstances beyond my control and have had to eat on the run a lot these past couple months- understandable.  But now I have to deal with challenges at home that I never had to deal with.  My brother buys crap food- stuff that I love and just don't buy because I know that I have no will power.  So I've been trying to dodge HoHo's and Ding Dong's and it's not easy and I have not been 100% successful at dodging either.  So I really need to regroup and get focused and on track with my eating- I know I'm getting the activity part of the equation- but it does take both to be successful at weight loss!  But I also want to add in more activity and different types of activity.  A few years ago all I was doing was teaching spin- now all I'm doing is teaching Body Pump...I need balance!

How did I get so lucky?

Seriously, how did I get so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life?  I try not to take this for granted and I appreciate him every single day, but every now and then something clicks and I am just in awe that I have such an amazing life partner!   Tonight the trigger was my friend Kelli commenting on a picture of the two of us and she was feeling sentimental and said she could just see and feel the love by looking at our picture.   That is just SO AWESOME.

Just yesterday when Bill & I were driving to Fairfield for my niece's baby shower, we were listening to 107.7 The Bone Rock N Roll station and we were cracking up at how we could remember words to songs we have not heard in 20+ years, we were talking about how we both enjoy so many different genres of music.  We may have met country dancing- but we are both very well-rounded musical people.  Our iTunes would surprise anyone!   But we just busted out laughing- seriously LOL'd!  And then we commented about just how cool it was that we made each other laugh and we do, daily.  We laugh so much and I honestly believe that laughter is the cure for ANYTHING!   Life is too short to be angry, pissy or just down right mean- you have to laugh at life, at yourself, at everything - it just makes life that much better!

I am just feeling really blessed these days to have such an amazing life partner.  He is my rock, my best friend and is always there for me.  It's the simple things like today I called him at break time and in our conversation I told him I was craving tacos and was going to make them for dinner- explained that I would go to the store after taking mom to the Doctor and he said "text me the shopping list and I'll go after my dentist appointment"- really?  he volunteered to go shopping?  Those are the little things that make you realize that you are in this together, it's a partnership, it's about doing things together but also for each other to make for the greater good.

L-U-C-K-Y..yep, that's me!  Going to bed tonight with a smile on my face.  :)

Crazy week...and it's only Wednesday!

4th of July week has historically been a pretty quiet week for me on the work front- so I've either been on vacation myself or if I'm home, I tend to help out and sub a ton of classes.  From Saturday through Tuesday, I taught a total of 7 Body Pump classes and all but one were the new release.  It was very demanding, but SO MUCH FUN!  I can honestly say that I do not get tired of teaching this class.   Tuesday evening after having been up since 5am to teach at 6am, I was fading fast around 5pm- literally about to drop my head on the keyboard.  Now I think that was partially fatigue, but also allergies kicking in.  I HAD to take a power nap before my 730pm class.  It was so hard to get up but once I hit the gym and hit play on the ipod- I was in character and ready to perform.   I was then up until 2am afterwards- go figure, but not having an early alarm set for today helped!

Anyway, I am still busy with travel this week- but mainly trying to catch up from the previous week and get working on some quotes.  I have not been super successful with getting that work done, because when the phones and emails aren't off the hook, I feel like I want to play hooky.  It's terrible, I should be making the most of this quiet time to get caught up!  I have two more days this week, which hopefully will be on the quiet side, but alas both days are "choppy"- between teaching 3 classes and taking mom to a Doctor appointment!

Mom's leg remained swollen at the start of the week, so after a call and email to Dr. Gillon, she said to bring mom into the ER to rule out a blood clot.  Here we go again!!!  I am HAPPY to report that this was by far my most favorite visit to the ER this year- quick, painless and good news!  No clot, but post-surgery edema (swelling), most likely brought on by mom's activity since moving "home" to her apartment.  From here on out when I refer to mom's home- it is the apartment at Woodside Terrace.  Her "house" is where she used to live in S.F.   Mom has been going gang busters to unpack boxes, display her nick knacks, hanging pictures- she's having FUN!  She is so darn cheerful on the phone when I talk to her and she is just so happy to be alive and doing things when I see her.   She is so proud of her accomplishments, she is enjoying her meals at Woodside Terrace, she is making friends.  Her apartment is looking really nice and very homey..her bedroom is slightly larger than the one at the house, so all of her furniture fits and we have been cleaning out drawers.  Today I took 8 bags to Pick of the Litter for donation.  The other day she said, "why do people hang onto things for so long?" - she finally "gets it" and is getting rid of so many things, it's refreshing.   Now I don't think Imelda Marcos would be proud of the number of shoes that were donated, but a good 14 pairs of pumps still remain in her closet!  Yes, 14 pairs of pumps!    This past Sunday, she went to Church at her new parish and very much enjoyed that, followed by Sunday Brunch at the Terrace.  She's been winning at bingo also!  Today, Bill & I went to the house and picked up some more items that she wanted, so there will be plenty of more pictures for hanging - oh and 4 more pairs of shoes!!!  Good grief, Charlie Brown!

Mom has repeatedly said to me, "I really think I'm going to be happy here" and she loves her view from her room- she has some beautiful trees outside her window and her balcony overlooks the courtyard.   I have a feeling that give it a year and she's going to wonder why she didn't make this move a lot sooner.  I've been feeling a bit reflective and these past 5 months have not been easy- seriously, it was 5 months ago when this ordeal all started.  She has been through so much pain and often times has questioned "why is God punishing me? I should have died last year"- I can't even tell you how many times I've heard those words.  I have also thought and wondered why she was put through so much pain and now I'm beginning to think that God was trying to show her how much worse things could be until she accepted what he really wanted for her- a life of happiness.  She wasn't happy at "the house"- she was lonely and cigarettes were her best friend.  That 83 year old woman who is all of about 90 pounds has fought through such incredible pain and suffering these past 5 months that now I am beginning to believe that my mother can be one of those amazing 90+ year olds, she is so feisty, such a spit fire and is sharp as a tack!  

Tonight when speaking to her on the phone she explains to me about how today she saw another resident at The Terrace trying to get out of her chair, but was unable.  My mom went over to help her- explained to the woman to scoot closer to the end of the chair and the woman still could not get up, so my mom braced herself and then gave the woman a hand to help pull her up!!!  Now part of this scenario scares me because mom could try to help and end up on the floor, so I congratulated her on a good deed, well done- but also cautioned her to make sure she doesn't put herself in a situation where she could hurt herself either.  She felt so good to have helped someone else though and you could just hear the joy in her voice.   I am really feeling good about mom's future right now.  Nothing but good things ahead for her.

Today was a fun day, up in Fairfield with my "ex-family"- a baby shower for my niece Christina.  I am so very thankful to still be a part of the lives of my nieces & nephews from my first marriage.  I've known most of them from birth and now they are all young adults- it's crazy, but so great to see them and spend time with them.  Hard to believe that most of them are parents already!  We have two more occasions this summer for the "ex-family"-  my niece Sami gets married next month in Redding and my Great Niece has a 1st birthday the following week!   I am really blessed that Bill is ok with all of this, he "gets it" and understands that family is family and a divorce doesn't mean you are no longer family - he is still in touch with some of his nieces and nephews also.  I think we are very much the exception to the rule when it comes to this- so many people when they divorce, the entire families divorce...but it is great to see everyone and to be considered still "part of the family" and Bill has been welcomed as part of the family as well. 


So onward to finish off this week, the goal is to get a lot of work done, try to enjoy a low-key weekend...we don't really have anything officially planned- except for teaching two classes and a facial for me.  Although, now I'm thinking this may be a great Sunday to take mom to "real bingo" at the Veterans center for "real money".   The last time we planned on doing this, she ended up in the hospital!  

Things are getting a little bit better....

One step at a time and life will return to some form or shape that resembles "normal" for me.   Mom was discharged from the Palo Alto Nursing facility on Tuesday.  She had a follow up appointment with Dr. Gillon and the toe healing process is looking very good, she may start to remove some stitches next week.   She then had a hair appointment, getting herself all ready to return "home" to Woodside Terrace.   I am happy to report that mom seems to really like her new apartment.  I think she is very happy to be reunited with her "things" and has been working furiously since arriving to unpack knick knacks and put them in place.  Yesterday, she asked me to bring a hammer so that she could hang a few little things.  She's so proud of herself and her progress in getting her apartment ready.   She is cleaning out clothes and shoes so that she doesn't keep anything that she will really never use, so that will free up some much needed space.   She is doing a lot of walking to/from the dining room area and the activity room, so she is definitely getting her exercise.  In her apartment, she walks around without any assistance.  It's really quite amazing.   Today her leg and foot were a bit swollen- not terribly, but enough to notice so I called her Doctor and she advised to try the water pills that we had on hand and give it the weekend to see how it goes- if it's still swollen on Monday, then they will want to see her I suppose.   I am hoping that it's just some water build up from being on her feet for so much all of a sudden.   Gosh, hate to tell her to slow down when she is having so much fun doing things.

We met her neighbor across the hall, a very nice woman by the name of Marianne.  She is probably a few years younger than my mom- but she goes to St Pius and goes to the Senior Center.  I think that she and mom could become good friends.  I think mom is now starting to feel more at home with the activities and seeing that there are some very independent people at Woodside Terrace and she is one of them.  All in all, it is going well for her at this point and I hope and pray that this continues.

My brother is hanging in there, he still has not definitive word on when he'll get his money from the house sale, so until he knows when and how much, he remains in limbo not really knowing what the next step will be.   He is looking at options and seeing what his best plan will be once that is determined, but damn the guy has just had so many hits- it's about time for things to really start turning around for him!   Winning the lottery about now would be a very good thing!   We are all living pretty well under one roof right now.  Dealing with some neighbors who are a bit upset that parking is hard to come by in the "guest spots" because many residents are not following the parking rules- well we are breaking the rules by taking up 3 spots at night- but I've really had the mind set of "I really don't give a shit" because I have followed the rules for 10 years and watched many abusers over the years - this is an exception, it's not forever, it's a temporary thing.   At some point, we'll have to do something different - but like I said, I'm not the first nor will I be the last to break parking laws around good old Kentfield Manor.  Bottom line, nobody is going to enforce the rules- and paying someone to do it is not a responsible choice.   We are definitely at a shortage for parking around here, so what you going to do when you can't get parking on the street, but there is a vacant guest slot?  Easy decision.   Just one more reason as to why we need to get the heck out of here and build our own house someplace.   Tired of all the HOA bullshit!

Life has been super busy the past couple of weeks.  We had an amazing time in Vegas this past weekend with Jamie, Jacqui, Michael & Patrick.  Lots of fun, great weather- quality pool time.  I was a happy girl.  I think Bill had a good birthday as well!    Work has been busy and I have been subbing a lot of classes at the gym.  Getting ready to launch Body Pump 82 tomorrow at Gold's and Sunday at the JCC...I think I'm ready and it's a great release.  I'm already sore thinking about it!   I will be crippled by next weekend- I can't even count, but other than the 4th of July, I am teaching Body Pump everyday through next Saturday!  I think it's some crazy 9 classes in 7 days!  Sucks that PAC has not launched the new releases, so when I sub there this week I'm going to have to pull out older choreography from the memory banks.  That should be fun!

Anyway, off to bed so I can dream of Body Pump music.  If I can get up early I plan to go to 24 Hour Fitness in Sunnyvale to take pictures of my friends launching Body Pump 82 on a huge stage to a room of 100 participants.  Kristy & Orna are team teaching with the one and only Steven Renata, I have to say that I am a bit jealous.  It really sucks that 24 hour is getting all of these Les Mills formats and that I am not employed there anymore.  It is where I started with Body Pump 12 years ago and I left because of inadequate pay, lack of raises after many requests and it didn't help matters that they had dropped Body Pump after having been with the club for about 3 years!   I was devastated and back then there simply were no clubs nearby with Body Pump.  Interesting how things work out.

Ok- time for zzzzzzzzzzz's

Missing my Daddy!

Today was Dad's birthday, he would have been 83 years old and it is sad that he was taken from us at the very young age of 60, to think that he will have been gone 23 years in September just blows my mind.   He certainly fought a good fight, but just had to fight it at such a young age, especially when you compare him to my mom who has pretty much been in excellent health until the last two years and she is quite the fighter.  It makes me proud to know that I come from such strong, feisty genes!

When picking my Giants game this season, like always I try to get weekend games first and then if I have to get weeknight games it has to be nights that I don't teach at the gym and then I'll usually get 1-2 day games because after all, it's fun to play hooky every now and then and spend a workday afternoon at the ballpark!   Well, knowing June 13th was my Dad's birthday, the Giants were in town and it was a Wednesday night, one that I don't teach, I had to get those tickets.   I took my brother with me tonight, which is also fitting because I know that Dad has been proud over the years to look down and see us at so many Giants games, following his footsteps so to speak.  I have always said that once Pac Bell Park was built (yes, it is always Pac Bell to me, although I can sort of grasp AT&T park, never grabbed SBC park), but I have always felt my Dad's presence at the ballpark.  I actually had tears the first time I was at the park because I just knew that my dad would have loved that place and he would have loved to see his team playing there.

I grew up going to Giants games with my Dad on weekends and holidays- we sat 3 rows behind home plate and I got to meet many players over the years.  I was a true fan from that young age, loved my Giants through thick and thin.  I have been riding the highs for the last decade at Pac Bell park with all of the Barry Bonds milestones, the World Series in 2002 and then the World Series in 2010 and tonight adding to the excitement- Franchise History in the making, Matt Cain pitches a no-hitter, a perfect game- no hits, no walks, no errors- NADA, NOTHING, PERFECTO!  He had 14 strike-outs, a new personal best for him surpassing his previous best of 13, it was pure excitement in the ballpark tonight.   Also, some great DEFENSE on the field as well, an amazing catch by Right-fielder, Gregor Blanco- diving catch in Triples Alley- a place where very few balls are caught- such excitement.  We won the game 10-0, every inning was packed with great, perfect playing baseball.  I am once again on a GIANTS high, but really must get to bed and sleep for an early day tomorrow.

I really do feel that my dad was watching down from Heaven tonight, he was there at Pac Bell, he was a part of this day in Baseball History!   Big week for our family...June 10th my Anniversary, June 13th Dad's Birthday,  June 14th Mom & Dad's Anniversary- this year would have been 60 years!  Of course, this week of the year always included Father's Day as well!

And then there were 9...

9 toes that is!   My mom is now officially a toe amputee.  They did the surgery yesterday and as promised I received a phone call from mom's Doctor as soon as it was over- during our Anniversary Brunch at the Westin Verasa in Napa.   She told me that all went well and that mom was in recovery and for me to go on and enjoy the rest of the day and celebrate.  We did just that.   I will say though that I felt very comfortable going away, knowing that my mom was having surgery and I can only believe that my comfort was a direct result of the fabulous care that she is under with Dr. Gillon.  This woman has taken mom under her wings.  In an email exchange, she says to me  "I have grown very fond of your mother and admire how feisty and determined she is to get through this.  You too deserve much credit.  I have taken care of elderly people with vascular problems for decades now and it is rare that a family is so involved and so caring. "    My mom tells me today that just before the surgery, Dr. Gillon gave her a hug and a sweet kiss on the cheek.   I have seen so many Doctors over the past few years and many have lacked a true bedside manner, many have lacked the "people" touch - it is so wonderful to have a Doctor like her involved in mom's case.  I believe it has made the world of difference for mom.

I knew that my mom would be resting most of yesterday, so I didn't call- I didn't want to disturb her if she was sleeping and did expect her to be "out of it" with the pain meds.   My sister texted me about 6pm to let me know that mom had called her and that she was very alert and talkative and was doing well.  She was a bit upset that she had two black eyes- but Dr. Gillon had told me that even though they removed the tape from her eyes (to keep them shut), she bruises easy and would look like a raccoon for a few days.  My mother was in shock when she saw herself in the mirror.  Once she got the explanation, she was ok.

Bill & I went to visit her on our way home this afternoon and she was doing pretty good.     She has started having "phantom pains"- which from what I've read can be pretty nasty and disturbing.  Once I explained to her what it was, she was a bit relieved to know what it was.  It had sort of freaked her out and sent her to tears the first time she felt the pains.  I hope that these phantom pains go away quickly, I'm sure it is a weird sensation to feel a pain where your toe used to be.

I believe the Doctor will change her dressings tomorrow and take a look at it.  Probably get her up to walking a tiny bit in the next 2-3 days.  Hopefully, we are at the end of the medical trials and tribulations and mom can move forward with her life and start to enjoy and LIVE!

Bill & I had a wonderful Anniversary Weekend.  Arrived at our hotel Saturday night close to 8pm, checked in and ordered room service dinner, enjoyed a bottle of wine with a movie on TV, cuddled up on the couch.  (we had a suite)  We slept in Sunday, got up for brunch and then lounged by the pool all afternoon.  I did a little "work"- although I don't consider Body Pump "work"- I listened to my new music for the next release and reviewed the current release so I can teach it this week in preparation for AIM 1 workshop!   We boarded the Napa Valley Wine Train Sunday evening and fortunately did get our upgrade to the Vista Dome car, which was wonderful.  It was a beautiful train ride, great meal- fun times!  Today we slept in a bit, headed into Yountville for lunch at Bouchon, and then stopped by Daniela's parents new place in Yountville and had a very nice visit with them.   All in all a pretty great weekend.  God is good.

Graduations, Anniversaries & Surgeries...oh MY!

This week has been absolutely OFF THE HOOK!    I am beyond exhausted- that seems to be a recurring theme that I write about, need to do something about that!    I have spent the last few days helping my brother move, it has been very emotional for all of us- so hard to pack up 25 years of your life!   I can only say that I have such a huge respect for my brother, he has been through so much yet still remains faithful and keeps on keepin' on.   So many people would just give up or turn to dark measures if they were in his shoes.   He has raised to wonderful young men...more on this later in the blog.   The other night while packing and wondering if it would ever get done, he had a sentimental moment and was so grateful for his two sons.   He is so proud of them and it just came shining through in our conversation.  I'm sure along with the move and all the emotions involved with that, the fact that his first born, eldest son graduated today from High School was also cause for sentiment.

Last night when we all made another trip to his house to pack up another load, close to the last load, the new owners were there to receive the keys.  The very ironic thing in all of this something that I just realized earlier this week is that the new owner is a gal I graduated with from Mercy High School.  In fact, I attended her first wedding in the 80's!  I had lost complete tough with her over the years and it was nice to see her and reunite, yet also bittersweet because although a "buyer" for my brother's house is not a bad thing- you do sort of feel like there is a victim and a villain in the situation.  Hard to really explain, but it was a bit awkward.  I mean it would be nice to get to know each other better again and perhaps do things socially- but it would be really weird to be invited to her house for dinner or a pool party!   Just strange the way the world turns!

Today was Michael's graduation and I teared up multiple times.  I am so proud of him and the man that he has become.  It has not been easy on him or his brother with all this moving and transition, but he keeps on, just like his dad.  In 19 years, I've only seen him lose his cool once and that was two weeks ago with all the pressure surrounding the family move.  He looked so grown up today and spiffy in his dress clothes.  As tired as we all were having dinner at 1am last night and ready for bed, "Uncle Bill" stayed up late enough to iron Michael's dress shirt and graduation gown.  Michael looked awesome and so nicely put together.   I got some great pictures of him- which thrilled me and afterwards when we caught up with him, I went to give him a congratulations hug and he really hugged back.  I've hugged him many times over the years for all sorts of holidays and events, but this hug back was different- it was the hug of a mature, grown up man.  Although the words were not spoken, I felt as though his hug said, "thank you for all you've done for me"- I just can't explain it any better than that- but really a very proud day for this Auntie.   And it didn't end there.  At lunch, my sister asked Michael if he wanted to go see his Grandmother at the hospital and he said he would- so she took him and he thought it would be a nice idea to give his Grammy his Graduation Flower Lei.  She was in tears at the "gift" and the fact that it was his idea just warms my heart.

Sunday is our Anniversary, 6 years married and 8 years together.  Time flies- although I feel as though I have been married to this wonderful man all my life!  He has been so supportive, so loving, so caring, so giving - I often times wonder what I did to deserve him and am so incredibly thankful to have him in my life, that he loves me and has chosen me for his life partner.  He's amazing.  We will be taking off to Napa Sunday morning, maybe Saturday afternoon if I can get the hotel to give us the Agent rate for Saturday night- a near impossible thing in a popular destination..but I will try, I'd love to get away for 2 nights and be able to really enjoy the resort.  We plan to get some pool time, work on the suntans, and then enjoy the Napa Valley Wine Train!   This will be a lot of fun; however, a bit overshadowed by the fact that we learned today that mom will have Surgery on Sunday!

Yes, surgery for mom.  They had tentatively scheduled her for the toe amputation on Wednesday and wanted to treat her with antibiotics until then and have surgery be the last resort.  However, the discharge people and medicare people won't allow her to stay until Wednesday with the treatment plan in place.  They feel it could be out-patient treatment, so given that it was a "miracle shot"- they decided to move the surgery up to Sunday and take care of the toe.  Her Doctor has been fabulous and wonderfully communicative.  In fact today's email from Dr. Gillon told me that "they" (she and my mom) do not want me anywhere near the hospital on Sunday, that I need to celebrate my Anniversary with my husband and that mom will be just fine.   I am trying to trust in this, with any surgery there is risk and with any surgery on an 83 year old there is even more risk - even on the healthiest of people!   But I will trust that it will all go fine and enjoy my time away- after all I have been ordered to do so by my mom and her Doctor!   I hope that this is it, that this surgery will go smoothly and that she adapts well and quickly to the 4 toed foot.  Today she was telling several jokes- all in an effort to keep herself laughing and she spoke of her mother when she had gall bladder surgery and how her mother had asked the Doctor if she could have a stone to keep and did keep one in a jar.  I just looked at my mom because I just knew where she was going with this...and then she laughed and said she wasn't going to ask the Doctor, but she thought her toe in a jar might be a good conversation piece!  Yes, she has officially "lost it"- but I get trying to make light of a very difficult situation.  She is still grieving not being able to ever wear sandals again, of course she has not worn sandals in 10+ years!  

June- WOW...can't believe we are 1/2 way through 2012!!  Where does the time go?