Spaz is the King of Cozy- I think he "lives" to find more cozy spots to call his own- his new spot this week is the pile of laundry going to the dry cleaners this week. I started the process of getting ready for our Alaska Cruise in less than two weeks and priority one was making sure Bill's tuxedo was sent to the cleaners...so every morning I find Spaz curled up in the pile of clothing!

The King is doing much better than a few weeks (almost month ago)- he is eating about 1.5 cans of wet food a day and he is also eating some of his kibble food - which he had not been touching for several weeks. He actually "yells" at you if you don't feed him right away- it's almost like he saw "the other side" and thought to himself, "I'm not ready to leave this world yet" - he now has the fighter attitude! Love it! He DEMANDS that I refill the bathroom sink with water and he visits that throughout the day- in fact this morning I forgot to refill it after I was done brushing my teeth/washing my face...so when I came back upstairs he gave me a piece of his mind! I weighed him this evening and he was just shy of 6 pounds- now after his throw up/diarrhea weekend 2 weeks ago, I had weighed him and he was 5.2...so he has gained weight and I'm now thinking that he must have had a different bug that weekend- maybe a kitty flu or something like that. The Diarrhea is not a common effect of the CRF disease...so who knows. I'm just glad he's feeling better now!!

Overwhelming Life....

.....last week was a tough week. Work was stressful, the week started off pretty good the first two days- was able to get to my Cross Fit workouts, get lots of things done with work - but still had a few loose ends that were just determined to remain "loose". Wednesday the week started to go downhill (see previous blog) Then Thursday morning - Spaz had a throw up episode at 520 am as I was about to leave for my Cross Fit workout, but I ended up having to tend to him instead. A month ago, I probably would not have stopped what I was doing to tend to him-but now he's just so fragile.

Seemed that the puke on the carpet was just a sign of how the day was going to go. I figured I would make up the workout on my own, I never made it out of the house again. Had great intentions to get to Zumba at 1230pm (work was just way too crazy)--fortunately I was subbing spin at 530pm- so I did get out and move my ass! Friday, I had so many loose ends to finalize with work before leaving for Monterey- so I was up working until I had to go teach 915am spin.

Spaz had been improving from the previous week....he picked up his eating and was cleaning every bowl we put down, which was exciting and I was feeling better about him (for the time being). He had been constipated for several days- but thankfully a while after he threw up, he did go to the bathroom. Again, I was happy the constipation was gone.

Friday we had to go away for the night to Monterey to see two nephews graduate High School. Our faithful kitty caregiver, Lisa was going to check in on him. She fed him friday night and by morning he had not cleaned his bowl, she fed him again and he barely touched it- well later saturday afternoon he threw up again and then had a major 'bout of diarrhea- all over the house. That sounds worse than it really was, it was more like tiny drops of liquid poop around the house. Lisa cleaned up what she could (bless her heart) and then texted me about what had happened. We were already on our way home. She stayed with Spaz all day until about 730pm. We got home close to 930pm. He was very needy- had a very sad expression on his face and the most pathetic meow. Broke my heart. So I had another meltdown when I went to see Lisa and give her "gifts" for taking good care of the furry child.

Spaz has not eaten anything since this diarrhea episode...he has wanted water, which is good- he wants to hydrate himself. But I weighed him and according to my scale - looks like he is now weighing 5.8 (which is down .4 from last weekend's vet visit). I have emailed the vet to see what she thinks- I'm not sure that he is in pain (yet)...but it's now getting ugly. I don't want this to sound bad, but knowing that his time is limited- do we really want to constantly be spot cleaning the carpet (bless Bill for doing this, he's gotten to be a pro at it)?...do we want to be trying to clean dried poop out of his fur? do we want to continue to see him wither down to 5 pounds or less? I don't mean to make this sound about "me" or "us"- ultimately, if I knew Spaz was in pain, I would do the humane thing immediately ~ but not knowing that and knowing that his life expectancy is not very long...I'm trying to be realistic. I LOVE this boy to death and this is all tearing me up inside. I am just so afraid that I'm not going to do the right thing at the right time or that I'm doing to do something for the wrong reason.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I've had tears several times today...3 days ago I wasn't even thinking of tears- but a week prior to that I was. Whew- what a roller coaster ride this is certainly proving to be. I just can't imagine my life without Spaz, but I know that it will happen ~ I know that I will have to learn to live without the best damn kitty that I have ever met. I know that he will be in such a better place when he leaves us and with any luck he'll run into my dad (who he never knew) and together they can wait together to be reunited with me when it's my turn to meet my maker. I just pray that I know when it's his time and that I don't second guess it for my own benefit.

As for the rest of the week- as overwhelming as it was- things that had to "come together" on Friday did- there are still a few things that need to come together Monday/Tuesday due to deadlines. But once I "let go" on friday to leave, I was peaceful- I knew I had done everything I possibly could to get things done. I did enjoy a nice 1-1/2 days with my in-laws in Monterey and was amazingly relaxed all day saturday- no email, no real phone contact with anyone...just time to watch the water, the seals, enjoy a little wine tasting....it was as if the world stopped for a day for me to take a deep breath.

I did pray today in church for God to give me the strength to know when it was Spaz's time for me to let go. I can't pray for him to get better, he is terminally ill...but I have to trust that I will know when to let go.

Looking forward to a new week, hopefully one that isn't as emotionally draining...and hopefully one that will help me to stay focused on my health and get in my workouts.

Spaz...update on his CRF

This past weekend we took Spaz to the vet. He had a pretty bad week, started a little bit over the Memorial Day weekend- we noticed a decrease in his appetite and he was just a little less like himself. After the holiday weekend, things seemed to be much the same, he was eating about 1/4 of what he normally does and not doing the same bathroom habits, etc. I weighed him and as best I could tell, he had lost a pound since his last visit to the vet, 2 months ago. That is actually close to 20% of his body weight. He's a small boy- so going from 7.5 to 6.5 weight is not good.

Bill and I took Spaz to the vet Saturday morning and first thing Dr. Depunzio said was that she'd be surprised if the test results said "today is his day"- he didn't appear to her as a kitty on death's door. So she examined him a bit and then took him for blood sample. We then waited for the results- of course Spaz would have been just fine to go home and get the results later. Bascially, when Maria came back she said the results were what she would consider "good news"- there are two numbers that they measure- the BUN which went from 58 to 56, considered close enough to be the same. Then there is the Creatine level, which went from 2.6 to 3.8 and that is not good.

From what I've read this puts Spaz in stage 3 of 4 possible stages on Kidney Failure. At this creatine level, his kidney functions are at a 75-90% loss. To reach stage 4, that creatine level would be 5.0 or higher and then you're looking at 90% loss of kidney functions and that is when your feline friend is most likely in pain and you're then faced with the decision that we don't want to make.

Spaz is eating a little more than we was a week ago- so I'm hoping that it is a good sign. After his diagnosis, he really didn't know any signs for almost 2 months- this past week was the first noticeable signs of a sick kitty. All we can do is love him and enjoy him until we are faced with making the decision....

The posted pictures are from the vet visit- he stayed under the chair the entire time! He really did not want to be there!

It's 1am, I should be sleeping ~ but find that I feel I need to write. This has been a tough week and I can't believe that is only the wee hours of thursday. Monday I received a call from our vet with the news that our beloved kitty Spaz has chronic renal failure and hyper-thyroidism. She says he has probably 6-9 months to live without treatment, but that even with treatment he won't likely live much longer.

Treatment consists of daily pills (which he just doesn't take at all!) and fluid injections ~ daily. I've spoken to several friends and family who have gone through the same decision that I'm faced with. Some did treatment, some didn't. I seem to hear that the ones who did treatment felt that it was too emotionally draining on them and my sister who chose not to do the treatment really felt that treatment would have been a selfish decision to keep her kitty around longer.

I really am torn- I've read up on both diseases/conditions and it seems as though there is no pain until the final stages, just the slow deterioration of the kitty's life and will to live...that is going to happen with or without treatment. I really don't think that I want my Spaz to have memories of mommy and daddy pricking him with a needle all the last days of his life.

I'm already going through the stages of loss, I think- in preparation for when the time comes. Thinking of how much this lovable kitty means to me, how he has been such an important part of my life. Spaz became a part of my life on November 12, 2000 from the Humane's Society. Their best guess at the time was that he was probably 3-5 years old...based on his condition, I'm guessing he was probably more like 5, making him 13.5 now. My ex-husband thought he was a pretty cool cat and urged me to go check him out (this was just 2 days after we had put our previous kitty down)...but 2 days after that we came home with Mr. Spaz and he very quickly showed us that "Spaz" was the perfect name for him--he's a crazy kitty! There has not been a single day in the past almost 9 years that he has not cracked me up and/or put a smile on my face.

This kitty saw me through my gall bladder surgery in 2002, was by my side throughout my recovery and would not get on my lap until i put the pillow in place (over my wound)...he saw me through my lonely marital separation times- he also gave me the big "paws up" when he met Bill for the first time - he was the only man I dated after my divorce that Spaz came running to. The three of us have become a very close family ~ Spaz has his mommy time and his daddy time- he greets each of us when we come home and always has a few words to say...he really is our furry child...and a damn smart one at that! As I work from home and have been working from home now for 5 years, Spaz and I have grown even closer and he visits me throughout the day and makes it very clear when it's time for me to take a break (sits on the keyboard so I cannot work). I cherish those times. I find it funny that as soon as he hears me on the phone, he appears and has to say "meow" to whoever I'm talking to (usually a client or my mom).

Everyone who has met Spaz and spent any amount of time with him has grown to love him and has said he's one cool cat! I'm afraid they broke the mold after Mr. Spaz was born because he truly is one of a kind. When his day comes- I will miss him deeply and forever.