.....last week was a tough week. Work was stressful, the week started off pretty good the first two days- was able to get to my Cross Fit workouts, get lots of things done with work - but still had a few loose ends that were just determined to remain "loose". Wednesday the week started to go downhill (see previous blog) Then Thursday morning - Spaz had a throw up episode at 520 am as I was about to leave for my Cross Fit workout, but I ended up having to tend to him instead. A month ago, I probably would not have stopped what I was doing to tend to him-but now he's just so fragile.
Seemed that the puke on the carpet was just a sign of how the day was going to go. I figured I would make up the workout on my own, I never made it out of the house again. Had great intentions to get to Zumba at 1230pm (work was just way too crazy)--fortunately I was subbing spin at 530pm- so I did get out and move my ass! Friday, I had so many loose ends to finalize with work before leaving for Monterey- so I was up working until I had to go teach 915am spin.
Spaz had been improving from the previous week....he picked up his eating and was cleaning every bowl we put down, which was exciting and I was feeling better about him (for the time being). He had been constipated for several days- but thankfully a while after he threw up, he did go to the bathroom. Again, I was happy the constipation was gone.
Friday we had to go away for the night to Monterey to see two nephews graduate High School. Our faithful kitty caregiver, Lisa was going to check in on him. She fed him friday night and by morning he had not cleaned his bowl, she fed him again and he barely touched it- well later saturday afternoon he threw up again and then had a major 'bout of diarrhea- all over the house. That sounds worse than it really was, it was more like tiny drops of liquid poop around the house. Lisa cleaned up what she could (bless her heart) and then texted me about what had happened. We were already on our way home. She stayed with Spaz all day until about 730pm. We got home close to 930pm. He was very needy- had a very sad expression on his face and the most pathetic meow. Broke my heart. So I had another meltdown when I went to see Lisa and give her "gifts" for taking good care of the furry child.
Spaz has not eaten anything since this diarrhea episode...he has wanted water, which is good- he wants to hydrate himself. But I weighed him and according to my scale - looks like he is now weighing 5.8 (which is down .4 from last weekend's vet visit). I have emailed the vet to see what she thinks- I'm not sure that he is in pain (yet)...but it's now getting ugly. I don't want this to sound bad, but knowing that his time is limited- do we really want to constantly be spot cleaning the carpet (bless Bill for doing this, he's gotten to be a pro at it)?...do we want to be trying to clean dried poop out of his fur? do we want to continue to see him wither down to 5 pounds or less? I don't mean to make this sound about "me" or "us"- ultimately, if I knew Spaz was in pain, I would do the humane thing immediately ~ but not knowing that and knowing that his life expectancy is not very long...I'm trying to be realistic. I LOVE this boy to death and this is all tearing me up inside. I am just so afraid that I'm not going to do the right thing at the right time or that I'm doing to do something for the wrong reason.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I've had tears several times today...3 days ago I wasn't even thinking of tears- but a week prior to that I was. Whew- what a roller coaster ride this is certainly proving to be. I just can't imagine my life without Spaz, but I know that it will happen ~ I know that I will have to learn to live without the best damn kitty that I have ever met. I know that he will be in such a better place when he leaves us and with any luck he'll run into my dad (who he never knew) and together they can wait together to be reunited with me when it's my turn to meet my maker. I just pray that I know when it's his time and that I don't second guess it for my own benefit.
As for the rest of the week- as overwhelming as it was- things that had to "come together" on Friday did- there are still a few things that need to come together Monday/Tuesday due to deadlines. But once I "let go" on friday to leave, I was peaceful- I knew I had done everything I possibly could to get things done. I did enjoy a nice 1-1/2 days with my in-laws in Monterey and was amazingly relaxed all day saturday- no email, no real phone contact with anyone...just time to watch the water, the seals, enjoy a little wine tasting....it was as if the world stopped for a day for me to take a deep breath.
I did pray today in church for God to give me the strength to know when it was Spaz's time for me to let go. I can't pray for him to get better, he is terminally ill...but I have to trust that I will know when to let go.
Looking forward to a new week, hopefully one that isn't as emotionally draining...and hopefully one that will help me to stay focused on my health and get in my workouts.
